To not want DD to go out to a club/nightclub on Christmas Day?

[StrawberryCreamField]

Would you be happy with this? DD (18, her birthday was last week) wants to go out to a nightclub on Christmas Day. I don’t think she should as Christmas Day is a day to spend with family and for her to spend with us and her siblings and she could go out on any other day/night. DD is still saying she wants to go out though. DH thinks I’m being unreasonable and he thinks it’s fine for her to go out on Christmas Day. AIBU?

OP, the only real problem - other than your absolute prick of a DH telling you want to do on your Christmas Day - is that she won’t tell you who she’s going with which probably means she’s meeting a partner she’s not ready to tell you about.

A partner that she wants to see on Xmas Day is someone should be someone you also know. So what’s going on here? Is she feeling she’s having to keep stuff quiet because you’re extending too little freedom in general?

Absolutely agree.

If your end game is that you DD doesnt want to spend any time with you, and you become the subject of threads on mn and therapist chats - crack on and keep acting like this.

SHE WANTS TO DO WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO ON CHRISTMAS DAY

This is so relatable @HaveYouFedTheFish

We are heading to my parents’ place for three nights today. In DC’s stockings are matching onesies they asked for. They are both primary age. My parents are obsessed with being dressed up for Xmas day. I’m determined to calmly but quietly hold my ground and let the children wear what they want - and I suspect they’ll pick the onesies.

I’m sorry, but if her mother (like most other people’s parents) has spent most of December planning a family meal, organising the food, buying and wrapping gifts, etc etc - the bare minimum expectation is that she stays at home and eat it.

Being an official adult is absolutely no reason to be ungrateful and rude.

My experience of being an adult is that you spend rather more time, not less, considering the views of other people and compromising accordingly.

The “what I want is what I get” attitude isn’t adult at all.

You can't prevent your DD going out and you can't dictate how she gets there or who she goes with. If you want more information from her you need to explain your concerns, other than "I'm not happy". You can probably phone the club later today to confirm opening times. I don't think your DH should offer you to pick her up. You can offer if you want to, then you can guarantee she gets home safely.

Nope, this wouldnt happen in our house. The DCs are that age and wld go out xmas eve but thats it. DS2 often pops to his friends for a couple of hours but thats worked around whatever we are doing.

I feel for you. Your DD is clearly not being honest about her plans for the day and is being selfish. Your DH is also being selfish, offering your driving services so he can enjoy a Christmas drink. There is probably nothing you can do about your DD (other than to tell her you’re upset about it), but you should definitely put your foot down with DH and make it plain from early morning onwards that you will not drive and plan to have a nice drink yourself.

now that bit absolutely is within your sphere of control. You just say no.

OP could try the @Iloveyoubut / daughter approach herself next year. She could announce a few days before the big day:

"Sorry, daughter, but we won't be spending Christmas with you this year. Your behaviour last year inspired us to YOLO and Mummy and Daddy have now booked ourselves a nice holiday in the sun somewhere. You obviously don't need to know where we're going or when we'll be back. Don't wait up. " .

I have my Christmas dinner early so that would not be an issue. Expecting to be picked up would. Her choice to go out therefore her responsibility to travel back safely.

Sounds like she's slinking off with a boyfriend.

Hope you get some clarity but don't spend your day waiting on her to contact you for a lift when she wants it.

@StrawberryCreamField

This! If he wants her to have a lift he can do it himself and not drink. He doesn’t get to dictate what you do OP, he can get to fuck

I think you have bigger issues than your daughter slinking off on Christmas Day.

Are you the household drudge?

Is she planning to go to university next year? Once they go away they don’t necessarily come home especially if they think they have to sit at home with you.

Wow. The young adults in my family wouldn’t see spending time with family as ‘having to sit at home’ with the older adults. We all like each other. I know not everyone is so fortunate, but I’m sure it’s a majority.
I’m also a little shocked at the lack of care for the safety of this young woman when nobody knows where she’s going or who with or how she’s getting there or back.
And I’m genuinely astounded at the ‘she’s an adult she can do what she wants’ comments that absolutely refuse to recognise that compromise is at the heart of adults sharing a house, whatever their relationship to one another.
It’s all very odd.

When I was young and even in my DDs time, she is now 32, going clubbing on Christmas Day, was a real thing! I guess it still is for many people.

Some of the best nights of my life were out clubbing with friends in the 90s.

Tell her to have fun, stay safe and look after each other!

Well, your only choice now is to be (unfortunately) forced to calm your nerves about your daughter’s absence by knocking back far too many glasses of wine to be getting up in the small hours of Stephen’s Day and driving out to get her.

Your husband needs a kick up the hole for even thinking of your picking her up, you who don’t want her going in the first place, while he (aka Cool Dad) is free to get pissed all evening.
This is huge family bust-up territory, him carrying on like this and both of them stomping all over your apprehensions and disappointments for Christmas Day. The least they could damn well do is ensure her disco night is without any other pressures on you.

Please stand your ground about being a taxi service. Whether you are right or wrong about your daughter’s plans, you are not certainly bound to sacrifice what you can salvage from the day and be ready to venture out at 3am.
If DH thinks she should go off doing her own thing on Christmas Day, it’s for him to see she gets home safely.
His attitude is ten times more concerning than anything your daughter is at.
I think you have to render yourself unable to drive legally, or you will be forced into this by some sly shite DH pulls.
Break out the sleeping pills, at the very least.

Can you not have a drink op. It sounds mad a nightclub is open but trying for taxis is madness unless there are loads about. I would let her decide say your not happy but she’s 18 and say ok but could she be spending with a partner?

Never known a nightclub to be open xmas day, that is odd....As you say your dd is 18, let her go, especially if all her friends are going....At the end of the day, you cannot really stop her, she's 18. Let her spread her wings....

Yabu - she is an adult and has a right to decide how she spends her Xmas, and her ideas are allowed to be different to yours!

My kids are all in their teens/early twenties but live at home and i leave it up to them. This year eldest is with his Dad but the othets want to be here, though 18yo wants to go to the pub with friends after lunch.

You have to let them carve their own path now surely?!

2pm?? It would be a no from me. Xmas Day is a family day - and we'd have been just sitting down to Xmas dinner at 2pm. Is she mad?? If she wanted to go out at 10pm to go clubbing, fine, although I'd still think it a bit odd on Xmas Day, but taking off halfway through Christmas to be with her mates? I've never heard of anyone doing this. Everyone knows that Christmas is a family day - unless you come from a non-existent, very small, or dysfunctional family, of course.

The evening time then yeah ok but not 2pm! I used to go out on Christmas night but after I'd spent the day with everyone and usually had a few cousins tagging on. I would tell your husband he's having a dry Christmas of he's offering lifts and I'd be having a glass of wine at 11am just to make the point. Tbh I would be disappointed and saying I'm not offering a lift as she can't even be bothered to spend the day with you, why should you facilitate her

For all the posters saying she is an adult at 18 and can do what she likes, this only works if she is independent of her parents - that is, working full-time and living under her own roof and paying all her own bills. But most 18-year-olds are independent in law only, and in fact very much still part of the family unit and having their lives and education funded by their parents, living at home except during uni terms if they are post-A-level. To all intents and purposes, they are not adults as they are still dependent. Therefore they cannot do what they want and dump their families on Xmas Day. They can do what they want when they are actual adults, living under their own roof and funding themselves entirely.

Of course she can stop her. The 18-year-old is almost certainly still dependent on her and has privileges that can be revoked. Spending Christmas Day with you is NOT too much to ask of your dependent children!