To not want DD to go out to a club/nightclub on Christmas Day?

[StrawberryCreamField]

Would you be happy with this? DD (18, her birthday was last week) wants to go out to a nightclub on Christmas Day. I don’t think she should as Christmas Day is a day to spend with family and for her to spend with us and her siblings and she could go out on any other day/night. DD is still saying she wants to go out though. DH thinks I’m being unreasonable and he thinks it’s fine for her to go out on Christmas Day. AIBU?

If she wants to leave at 2, I presume she just wants to spend the day with her mates.

It's odd she's not just saying that.

Does she have mates you don't like?

I wouldn't stop her doing her thing, but I would have a nose around why the cover story.

Christmas may be about spending time with family to you but you don’t get to decide what’s important to others.

Yea OP. Your child is growing up and you cannot make her comply with your demands any more. Be thankful that she is spreading her wings.

Out in the evening, great. But if she's just told you now that she won't be there for Christmas dinner after you've planned, shopped, prepped, etc., that's a little rude. If she lived away and had come "home" for Christmas I might be secretly slightly resentful of being treated like a hotel, but if she lives at home and you're hosting and she wants to opt out of family Christmas (or Christmas altogether), the logical choice is for her to go out. Leave the transport up to her; she seems confident that she knows what she's doing. If she ends up needing picked up or something, I'd leave it to Cheerleader Husband to go.

The proper reason is they would like to spend Christmas day with their DD. Not very much to ask is it? Just because at 18 you are 'grown up' it doesn't mean you can't be nice and can't spend an important day with your parents. Or even a part of the day to have a long planned meal with them. There have been lots of threads on people cancelling plans for Christmas day and how upsetting it can be for the hosts, just because she's 'grown up' and 18 it doesn't make it any less rude to suddenly say your not going to be there. If you want to talk about her as an adult person not a child then she's an invited guest who has cancelled at the last minute.

And worry about a taxi is not trivial if her DD is stranded somewhere in the early hours with no public transport and no taxis or ubers to be found, it is a worry even if she is 'grown up' now she's 18, and will 'sort it out'. Sometimes the worst does happen (even to young men) friends all go off, left alone looking for a taxi, possibly drunk, very vulnerable, things can go downhill fast.

I’d want her to stay for dinner but ultimately it’s her choice. I wouldn’t pick her up though.

Sounds amazing. She should go. Dont hold people hostage at xmas.

Would people be as understanding if the DD had decided she’d rather go clubbing than for a family birthday meal?

Your husband agrees with your daughter, doesn't see the issue. Your daughter refuses to pre-book a taxi, and your husband expects you to remain sober on Christmas Day, so you can pick her up at some unGodly hour. Nope, that wouldn't be happening in my house! I'd be making it very clear, that if she's not pre-booking a taxi, then HE will be picking up your daughter, not you. Why does your husband get to dictate that it's you who has to collect your daughter??? Your daughter shouldn't be expecting to be collected and your husband shouldn't expect you to do it either! Do you not drink, and that's why your husband has assumed you'll pick up your daughter?

As has been pointed out at least twice in this thread, its shut tomorrow. So why are you still talking about taxi's?

Because the daughter is still saying she is going out. If she isn't going to the club then that is also incredibly concerning as a parent as to where she is actually going and who is she going with. To me there are so many issues with the secrecy going on here - wanting to go out all afternoon and night, refusing to say who with, naming a venue that may or may not be open, refusing to book a taxi...could be innocent but might not be.

Just because she has had her 18th birthday doesn’t mean she can please herself and not consider others! Of course it’s out of order when you have planned to spend Christmas with family to then skip Christmas dinner for a better offer, that goes for any age!

Right, but she's not going to be picking her up from this club probably?!

The op is being really weird in this thread, just repeating stuff and ignoring what's being suggested. That added to her daughter being so secretive doesn't add up to the daughter being getting into some kind of dodgy situation so much as more likely just doesnt want her mum to know

She's probably just wanting to spend Christmas with a partner or something

It literally does mean that

It doesnt mean that wont be upsetting for others, but an adult can literally do what they please on Christmas day

Thinking about everyone includes recognising that your actions have an impact on others - so the DD needs to recognise that choosing to skip Christmas dinner effects her parents and siblings who would perhaps for the first time not have the whole family together for Christmas Day. And that the fact she’d be choosing to miss it in favour of some vague last-minute “clubbing” plan sends a message.

I appreciate that navigating the change from an adult-child relationship to an adult-adult one is tricky. But I don’t think a healthy adult-adult relationship involves one person unilaterally declaring they are skipping a family occasion for a vague unspecified plan, any more than it involves one person being able to dictate what the other must do.

I think a healthy adult conversation about this would have involved the person who wanted to go out discussing this with a reasonable amount of notice with the person making the Christmas dinner plans, with both parties being able to discuss what was important to them and why and jointly work out the best way to meet everyone’s needs.

I realise 18 is a tricky age and there’s likely an element of wanting to symbolically distance yourself from family and to a certain extent you need to give them the space to do that, but I think just meeting this with just “fine, you have a nice time then” isn’t preparing them to mature into having a proper adult to adult relationship.

I don’t think anyone relying on AI-generated answers can conclude one way or the other whether it’s open or closed, this is not the kind of answer AI is very good at (someone else has produced an AI answer that it is open).

Either way, the DD is planning go somewhere and isnt denying the possibility of needing a taxi/lift.

You are going to have to trust the fact you’ve taught her enough growing up to keep herself safe. She won’t know what time she wants to come home so I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to pre book a taxi. She won’t tell you anything because you are interrogating her.

You are going to have to let go or you’ll continue alienating her and push her away even further. It’s hard to let go of your child but you’ve got to.

This. Forced togetherness creates resentment - I wasn't disappointed when school term dates in the country I moved to when my children were young, combined with my work patterns, meant it was all but impossible to travel to spend Christmas with my family of origin, where everything was about duty and performing Christmas the way it "should" look according to a vague, apparently ever watching "they" (and this was long before social media)...

My mum used to walk into lockins at the village pub to insist we get in the car and go to midnight mass, expect us at breakfast at 8am and at 9am church (again) and had an hour by hour plan for what everyone should be doing throughout the day - all together at all times.

When the film 'The Truman Show' came out, I thought that my mum must subconsciously have believed she's the main character of that film, all her adult life...

YABU.

I'd suggest that there is a boyfriend that she doesn't want you to know about for some reason & she'd off to spend time with him.

I'd be well pissed off at my partner offering me to act as taxi on Christmas day (or any other day) without consulting me & id make it 100% clear that I'd be having whatever I want to drink & it's on him to be taxi driver.

Can't you have Christmas dinner at lunchtime so you can be together for that?

I serve at 1pm anyway - I always hated the mid afternoon big meal (though partly because we weren't allowed to eat anything at all after a croissant for breakfast). The hanging around vaguely "helping" with something I'd rather have taken over and done efficiently, but wasn't allowed to, and getting snapped at was oppressive.

Its absolutely fine for you to not want her to do it as long as you understand that doesn't actually mean she can't. She's an adult and should be entitled to enjoy christmas in whatever way she wants to.

Your daughter is showing how immature she is by behaving as she is.

A proper ‘adult’ would be willing to explain plans, book taxis and have some consideration for her family. 2pm is ludicrous.

She’s selfish.

It’s clear where she got it from though as your husband’s expectation that you drive is indefensible. If he’s happy for her to go he picks her up. If that means he can’t drink, tough.

Their choices have consequences for them.

There are also some extraordinarily selfish on this thread. As long as they get to do what they want, the rest of the world should suck it up.

@HopSpringsEternalThe Brasshouse in Dunfermline.
I understand that you were trying to be a smart arse and to prove yourself correct that clubs don’t open on Christmas Day but why on earth would I post something that wasn’t true??
Hope your DS enjoys his Christmas Day travelling to a club miles away from him home just to prove some random on the internet wasn’t making shit up

I agree with you, OP. Just because she’s just turned 18, there’s not a complete switch to “you’re an adult, do whatever you like” overnight, as people seem to suggest on here. Some days are special and I expect my children to plan around that. It’s not hard. There are 364 other days to go clubbing.