To not want DD to go out to a club/nightclub on Christmas Day?

[StrawberryCreamField]

Would you be happy with this? DD (18, her birthday was last week) wants to go out to a nightclub on Christmas Day. I don’t think she should as Christmas Day is a day to spend with family and for her to spend with us and her siblings and she could go out on any other day/night. DD is still saying she wants to go out though. DH thinks I’m being unreasonable and he thinks it’s fine for her to go out on Christmas Day. AIBU?

😂 I was thinking of my teenage self in the North of England shivering in the taxi queue, it’s all fun and games until it’s 2am cold and raining and you’ve got bare feet in heels and no coat 😂

And the look of distain I would treat my parents to if they made such a ridiculous suggestion 🙄. A coat? Don't be ridiculous, it'll ruin my outfit that I've spend months weeks planning 😂.

I’m a great believer in lettting people enjoy Christmas the way they want to- especially teenagers. I remember my friends at that age being trapped in their homes with forced fun and hating every minute lol. My parents were at the pub so I was free to do as I pleased and tbh my Xmas days as a late teen/young adult were some of my best memories.
my 18 year old intends to spend Xmas day with her partner and their parents. I’ll miss her but she’s an adult and entitled to spend the day as she wishes, as is your DD. Let her enjoy the day.

Leave her be. She has the option of being with you and “her family” or going out with her mates. And she has chosen her mates. She can see you all year long.

Why do you want to spoil HER Christmas?

She's meeting someone. Possibly a boyfriend or girlfriend. What nightclub is open Xmas day mid afternoon?
I smell shenanigans. But then again its tricky as she is 18

She still won’t compromise and is still refusing to pre book her taxis! DH is now telling her we will pick her up if she can’t get a taxi! To be honest I don’t think she should be going out all afternoon and evening on Christmas day but if she is then I don’t see why she can’t just at least pre book her taxis!

Because I guess pre-booking a taxi would mean her night has to end at a preset time and she and her mates might not be ready to go home? I don't think I'd have wanted to do that at 18 as a uni student. But then, I never lived at home post 18, once I went to uni that was that. Kids stay at home much longer now, they may be legal adults but they're also sort of in limbo between child and full adult. If she didn't live at home and was reneging on Christmas plans and not visiting/cutting her visit short, I'd be saying YANBU, because that feels a lot more disrespectful when you don't see your family so much. But if you live together, you're together every day and a family Christmas won't be appealing to an 18 y o who is doing the very developmentally expected thing of wanting to grow away from her family and establish her own separate existence. It's always a difficult process, and often painful. But it is not abnormal at this age and stage to be more interested in and motivated by relationships with peers than family.

If DH wants to pick her up, let him get on with it. Probably the safest option, and it's better that she knows she can call a parent if she is stranded or in a pickle. I wouldn't have ever been able to call my parents for help, my dad would just not have bothered and my mum would have created WW3. She's lucky to have a dad that is willing to be a safety net as she tries out her independence.

Because I might be going clubbing at 2pm? I’d never be so disrespectful.

If you’re running Christmas plans past (essentially) 17 year olds and asking them to confirm their attendance, more fool you.

DH expects me to pick her up!

She might end up not going OP. What a pain really. I was all for yabu, until I realized you don’t know who she’s going with or anything.

If he wants her to be picked up, he should do it! Or be on call if she can't get a taxi.

DH won’t because he drinks on Christmas Day.

Daytime with family. Night at nightclub
Would you really be doing much after 10pm anyway?

OP you don't have to be happy about it but she is an adult, and you literally can'tstop her.
It's ridiculous that you are asking her to prove a nightclub is open.
My ds was going clubbing till 6am once, they used to shut at 2am in my day but times change.
If you keep on like this she certainly won't come back for Xmas once she moves out

I fail to see how that's disrespectful.

I don't feel disrespected when people don't do exactly what I want, especially if I haven't even asked them about it.

And I assume OP knew her daughter was turning 18.

It's really irrelevant anyways as OP doesn't seem bothered that it could potentially be seen as a change in plans, she just doesn't want her daughter to go.

He can't then can he, if he's determined to facilitate DD's social life!

I think I see why you feel resentful to be honest, if you've got a DD who gets her own way because DH gives in and volunteers you to be the one who has to run around after her. I'd be saying fine, you think she should be picked up, you stay sober and do it. Or to DD, fine, if you're grown up enough to be out partying til the wee hours on Christmas Day and skip family Christmas because we're all too boring, you're also grown up enough to sort out your own transport and not need lifts from your ma.

Actually it sounds like DD not doing family Christmas is the least of your problems here, and that's actually not the hill to die on. The important hill is DH and DD thinking you should not have the Christmas you want to facilitate her partying. Don't be a martyr - you can't control her going out partying instead of being with family but you sure can opt not to assist her in doing so.

If he’s willing to not drink and pick her up
leave them to it.

DH has said he expects me to pick her up.

Say ‘no’ and that as he offered, it’s his responsibility. Why does he get to dictate to you?

He can expect all he wants just say no you won’t be. Have a drink if you fancy one.

Maybe she's going to a day rave that starts mid-afternoon. Totally plausible.

Which club is it? I cant find any in Manchester, my 20 year-old would love it. He would travel.

Your DH is correct.

She’s proposing to be out from 2pm!

I agree that it’s not about me’ism’ but I think we have to acknowledge that imposed hierarchy exists in family and friendship and relationship dynamics and it doesn’t serve the people who aren’t calling the shots. Too often there’s someone who’s ‘in charge’ , guilt tripping, demanding, imposing, coercing, and it’s really shit for everyone who isn’t them. They’re the only person who’s having their needs met at others expense. It has to be about everyone, everyone is supposed to matter or it’s just falling in line and doing what someone else wants and we’ve normalised that, we act like that’s ’just how it is’ and yet we wonder why we’re so unhappy or stressed half the time and often it’s because we’re just meeting someone’s needs at the expense of our own