To not want DD to go out to a club/nightclub on Christmas Day?

[StrawberryCreamField]

Would you be happy with this? DD (18, her birthday was last week) wants to go out to a nightclub on Christmas Day. I don’t think she should as Christmas Day is a day to spend with family and for her to spend with us and her siblings and she could go out on any other day/night. DD is still saying she wants to go out though. DH thinks I’m being unreasonable and he thinks it’s fine for her to go out on Christmas Day. AIBU?

Your exact words were "you sound like one of those people who doesn't care if someone wants to be with you at Christmas as long as you get your way."

@HopSpringsEternal it may be 100% not true where you’re from but I can assure you my 2 DC’s and their friends are all organised, tickets bought for going out on Xmas day night.

I would be very surprised if rooftop 525 is open on Xmas day night, it's inside the Pleasure beach which is closed for the season. It does open for private parties, but not likely on xmas day.

Unfortunately we live in a world where horrific things happen to women and girls everyday. She is 18, ( which is very young), still living at home, probably still in school. She is opting out of the family Christmas with pretty much no notice ( which is disrespectful regardless of age). Does she expect the other aspects of Christmas like the gifts? She is lying about where she is going( the venue is closed Xmas day on a quick google).She won’t say who else is going and she won’t discuss her travel arrangements. And she definitely won’t be clubbing from 2pm. My guess is some new guy s home or hotel room.
I think it’s fine if she wants to go out Christmas night with friends after the family meal . But regardless of age - it’s common sense to let people know roughly where you are and who with! It’s basic safety which unfortunately is crucial ( especially for a teenage girl)

She's 18, she can make her own decisions, and her own mistakes to learn from (as so often is the case on a Christmas night out!)

You keep saying you're not happy with this, you're not happy with that. Great. Well done you. But I sense that what you're really not happy with is the fact that she's an adult and you REALLY can't control her anymore.

If OP’s DH decided 2 days before Xmas when most people will have shopped and prepared for dinner that he’d rather sack of the turkey and go to the pub at 2pm and stay until closing, that’d be fine? Come on of course it wouldn’t!

It wouldn’t be cool either for OPs Aunt Mabel to decide she had a better offer and say she wasn’t coming for dinner after all.

Honestly it sounds like there’s a version of “cool wife” called “cool mum” where you have to accept without question whatever your (barely) adult DC want to do simply because they are “old enough to buy a house and get married”, when that behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable from anyone else.

No one has to do what suits me. Our Christmas isn't about what suits me. It's what has evolved because it suits everyone involved. If it doesn't suit one individual then we change things so it works for us all. But mentioning that it doesn't work for you a couple of days before hand, after food has been bought and without consideration for everyone else as well, well that is pretty fucking rude and no way for an adult to behave.

Fucksake - if youre that bothered give them a call or drive down there. Stop with the drippy comments about "oh I cant find out online" what kind of shit detective work is that! 🤣

Surely if she was clubbing she wouldnt be leaving any earlier than 10.30pm? So she can spend all day and night with you... let her spend the early hours having fun! Id be passed out in my bed by that time anyway!

Fucking hell.

She's 18. You can feel disappointed about her not being at dinner and sad about her preferring time with friends to family right now, but this isn't your decision. She doesn't need your permission or approval and she doesn't owe you proof of her plans. Trying to force your way or guilt trip her is most likely to backfire on you.

She also doesn't get to expect the whole family to cater to her. Tell her what time meals and activities will be on the 24th-26th and that she needs to tell you when she will or won't be there and stick to her word. She also needs to figure out her own transportation and funding. And when she is with the family she needs to contribute and behave as an adult.

You've just added in the changing plans with only "2 days notice". If plans are agreed that's obviously different, but if they're not what is the issue?
I don't get to (or want to) decide what we do every Christmas.

Thinking back to when this 54 year old was 18 and living with parents to figure out what I think about your dilemma OP. I don't think it's unreasonable to go out Xmas night at all BUT going out at 2pm I don't think is on. Also it was the most natural thing in the world that my parents (who I lived with) knew my friends and who I was going out with. I don't think you are unreasonable but not sure what you can do about it 💐

I think shes an adult and can make her own decisions

As she's an adult you get no say whatsoever.
She can do as she likes and doesn't need to give you any information.
Yes, you'll worry for her safety. But because you want her home for Christmas is not a good enough reason.

I mean it is two days before Christmas right now - that’s the comparable scenario with what OP is describing is it not?

But there is no indication that OPs daughter agreed to spend the day with them and is changing plans

I think she should be allowed to meet up with her friends in the evening, she should spend the day with her family. Why does she need to go out at 2pm? You won’t have had Christmas lunch by then surely?

At that age I would have been out with my friends on Christmas night. I'd have spent the day with my family though. I have an 18 year old dd and would be grand with her going out, but would expect her to have Christmas Dinner with family as it is once a year and not a big ask. It is odd that she doesn't want to give you any information.

What?

When I was just turned 18, my family assumed I was spending Christmas with them, because why on earth wouldn’t I be?

That changes when you move out, and have a family/set up of your own. People spend Christmas with their parents, usually without an RSVP.

This thread is about one reason you might not be.

Indeed - the OPs dd did not need to “agree to plans” because at that age and stage it is obviously assumed she will be spending it with the family.

Where I am (Scotland) nightclubs do open on christmas night, also pubs are open during the day/night. Nothing fishy about it

Hopefully she’ll take a coat!

If she does then she'll be like no eighteen year old I've ever met, including my teenage self!

All you had to do is google it OP

Well if she didn't agree to plans how can she be changing them?

But the comparison I was replying to was about if one's DH did the same thing, presumably DHs are allowed to be involved in Christmas day planning, or do they just have to do whatever their wife wants without prior discussion?