To not want DD to go out to a club/nightclub on Christmas Day?

[StrawberryCreamField]

Would you be happy with this? DD (18, her birthday was last week) wants to go out to a nightclub on Christmas Day. I don’t think she should as Christmas Day is a day to spend with family and for her to spend with us and her siblings and she could go out on any other day/night. DD is still saying she wants to go out though. DH thinks I’m being unreasonable and he thinks it’s fine for her to go out on Christmas Day. AIBU?

Because I didn’t want to assume she was straight or gay and ‘partner’ covers all possibilities. And so what if she’s lying? She’s 18 and doesn’t have to give in to the 3rd degree.

Exactly !! I had to smile when our youngish adult child came in at 2 in the morning and phoned us to see if we were ok ( we were just having a fun dinner at friends that went on longer than usual)

I think it's worth being clear about your ability/willingness to collect her if she can't get a taxi and then letting the rest of it go. Perfectly fine to say you're planning on drinking wine and won't be safe to collect her if she goes out.

Christmas traditions/ arrangements need to meet the current wishes of those participating - I suspect there's something in what you usually do that isn't working for her but I doubt you're going to be able to have a productive conversation in the next day.

I'd stop asking so many questions while passing on information around eg. what to do if she gets stuck at a friend's house and wants to leave. Could she have volunteered to join a friend with a 'difficult' family to be a buffer? That's a good basis for advice.

Prioritising your own self-interest without any consideration of others is not how society functions. OP would be doing her DD no favours by simply saying “oh never mind Xmas dinner, go do your own thing”. What kind of life lesson is that?

i’m not saying DD should be expected to spend the entire evening playing charades and watching repeats on TV. Nor can OP compel her DD to stay in. But they should be able to have a reasonable conversation and compromise.

I was a big party girl back in the 00s, was out every Xmas eve and boxing day. Never heard of people going out on Xmas day! Although I probably would have done given the chance. Not all day but in the evening. Maybe compromise and say presents in the morning and an early lunch then she can do what she wants after that.

Yuuuuuuuup. My parents were ridiculously strict, beyond any normal reasoning.

I lied through my teeth as a teen, otherwise I'd never have been able to leave the house!

This girl will be at school in yr13. If she doesn’t turn up on 5th they’ll ring mum. They expect more of an answer than how should I know she’s 18 and an adult don’t you know.
I think if you are living with family it’s courtesy to let them know.
I don’t think it’s controlling not to want your just turned 18 year daughter wandering streets of Blackpool in early hours of Boxing Day morning.
If she was a year older and away in Thailand backpacking or away at Uni then it’s up to her and mum none the wiser but if you are living with family you should be considerate. There’s lots of break ins at Christmas - op may want to put chain on door etc. No idea when or if teen coming back isn’t helpful.
Op probably worried she’ll get a call at 3am as shock horror there’s no taxis and have to go and retrieve her. Op may have wanted a drink Christmas Day or have plans Boxing Day eg driving 4 hours to your in-laws on 2 hours sleep isn’t safe.

I hate to burst your bubble, but you do realise society doesn’t actually work for many of us. It just works for the bossy, selfish, domineering fuckers

Why do you need proof??

Sounds like she’s lying to you. Maybe if you stop treating her like a baby she would tell you the truth. Why you would want to force someone to spend the day with you that clearly doesn’t want to is beyond me.

You sound like one of those insufferable people who have protected their boundaries and peace into isolation

i bet she won’t go. Her mates probably won’t want to go out at 2pm. If she does go, it will be crap.

there isnt a lot to do on Christmas Day in the afternoon.

It was pretty normal to go out to a club on Christmas night when I was your DDs age and that was back in the 90s.

Didnt go out until about 10pm so the family celebrating was finished or close to ending

My mum always said she preferred me doing that and sleeping it off on Boxing Day rather than going out Christmas Eve and be hungover on Christmas Day

No .. you sound like one of those people who doesn’t care if someone wants to be with you at Christmas as long as you get your way. I’m nothing like that. And I feel good about that.

This is a really good point - I highly doubt the families of her friends are happy about this either. It may all fall apart.

OR it is a cover story for something untoward and the OP is right to be wary.

Nightclubs definitely do open on Christmas Day

As opposed to the OP who doesn't care if someone doesn't want to be with them on Christmas day? You don't get to commandeer someone else's time. Just because you want someone there on Christmas doesn't mean they have to be.

Perhaps you need to start preparing for the day when she won’t spend it with you at all! She will still be with you all morning, what if she had a boyfriend to spend the day with? Sounds like it’s not about the plans it’s just the fact she won’t be there.

I thought you weren't BU but it turns out I and family and friends are very much not in the modern zeitgeist 🤣. My just 18 year old and all her friends need to get their A'levels (and a decent set of mocks in January) and Uni places before they would be considered anywhere near 'adult'!
And they're also all expected to be mature enough to take the very sensible precaution of telling a parent where they will be when they're out.
So I think you're getting a rather rough time OP but maybe I'm in an ivory tower!

I think you’re replying to me by mistake x

I’m not convinced that replacing this with a generation of “me, me me”s is going to be any better.

I don’t know of a family with teens / young adults with healthy relationships where the answer this would either be the parent imposing on the child that they have to stay home or the child just going out on Xmas day before lunch without agreeing it with their parents.

No, I meant to reply to you.

You accused someone else of not caring if someone wants to be with them on Christmas day. The other side of that coin is that the OP, or people that feel as you do, are also being selfish. You're seeing it as you are owed someone's time on Christmas day because you want to see them, regardless of what they actually want.

She could be going to the pubs in the afternoon then to a nightclub

No I didn’t do that

I’d say she’s lying - there’s no way she leaving at 2pm to meet her friends for clubbing.

And the fact she’s being cagey about who she’s going with.

But at 18 there’s obviously a reason she feels she can’t tell you her real plans. Maybe your DH knows and that’s why he’s so fine with her going.