To not want DD to go out to a club/nightclub on Christmas Day?

[StrawberryCreamField]

Would you be happy with this? DD (18, her birthday was last week) wants to go out to a nightclub on Christmas Day. I don’t think she should as Christmas Day is a day to spend with family and for her to spend with us and her siblings and she could go out on any other day/night. DD is still saying she wants to go out though. DH thinks I’m being unreasonable and he thinks it’s fine for her to go out on Christmas Day. AIBU?

Call them?

but I don’t see why she cant just go after dinner. But there’s no point banning her, she’ll go anyway.

will her mates actually be free from the afternoon or is she being optimistic

The link takes you to a social media post for a completely different business.

Yes I do one of which is 16. There is caring and then there is being overbearing.

Caring is asking once, letting them know to call you if they need you, offering possible taxi service. If you’re going for the safety aspect.

It’s not demanding the names over and over again and trying to control what they do with their day. Yes it’s Christmas Day but for so many people it’s just another normal day.

She’s also old enough to understand her mum will worry and give her reassurances about how she’s getting home.

My 19 yr old will tell me roughly where going and who with if she’s at home.
So eg yesterday I dropped her off at hairdressers and went to work. She said I’m meeting up with friend and a few from sixth form in town later for a coffee or might get a drink. I said have fun. No great inquisition but I knew town she was in and idea of who with.
I’d find it odd not to share info with people I live with.

It’s not like having Christmas dinner with family is some preposterous imposition, it’s literally what the vast majority of the country will be doing.

If OP’s DH had decided to spend the afternoon in the pub rather than with his family no one would be saying “you’re being controlling, he’s an adult he can do what he wants”.

If OP’s DD wants treating like an adult she needs to accept adult responsibilities too, which includes that you can’t simply fuck off at lunchtime on Christmas Day because you think it’s be more fun to hang out with your mates.

Compromise is the key here I think, on both sides.

Well that’s a breakdown in the relationship between them likely way prior to Christmas Day.

So do you not worry about who they are with ? Or when they are out late and how they’re getting home ?

Worrying is part of what you sign up for when you become a parent - but that doesn't mean you can restrict and control your children to make you feel calmer about their choices.

It’s not that she wants to go out on Christmas Day that would upset me, but the secrecy around who she’s going with, where she’ll be from 2pm and the fact the venue seems to be closed which would upset me - she’s lying. And for everyone saying she’s an adult she doesn’t owe you anything, she’s just turned 18? Are we all really pretending that it’s safe for a young woman to be out with persons unknown at an unknown location? I always told my mum where I was when I lived with her, it’s common courtesy and also protective for someone to know where you are and what you’re doing. I think I’d approach it with her as not minding her going out, but you’d really prefer to know where she actually is and who she’s with so you can relax and enjoy your day.

Actually no. You don’t get to normalise your shit by claiming that ‘everyone else thinks so too’. Compromise isn’t ‘key’. Everyone, sit down for this becuse it’ll blow your mind, is actually here on this earth having their own experience and their own life thats not about you and no one owes you their company because ‘it’s what you do’. Compromise isn’t key. Be with who you want to be with, life’s too short to be obligated to guilt trippers.

If they are still living at home I think it’s fair not to worry parents unnecessarily though.

Couldnt you suggest that new years eve would be much more fun

I thought you were going to be in London OP there are lots of places open Christmas day there. I don't think its much different to going to the pub in the evening, which we used to do in our younger days, but we waited till the oldies were asleep in front of the telly before we left!

I really disagree with this. 18 is not really an adult. She is presumably in 6th Form. She lives at home. It is reasonable for her mother to have some questions about where she is going and who she is going with if she is wanting to ditch the family on Xmas day. 18 is very young to start doing things differently - most families keep “family Christmas” until at least the young person has graduated and started full time work - with some compromise e.g., going out xmas eve and waking up later.

If the OP has looked it up and it is not advertised that it is open then I smell a rat - something is not adding up and it is reasonable to be concerned about the whereabouts of your 18 year old daughter. If it wasn’t a big deal or she was going with nice normal friends she would just say “oh I’m going with Alice and Jasmine” or whatever.

As an aside, the thought of pulling myself from a Christmas Day coma to go clubbing or all things fills me with absolute dread and would have just as much at 18 (and I used to like going out!)

That sounds a bit fishy.

Not that it's worth much, but ChatGPT says no evidence the venue is open at any point on Christmas Day. I'd probably tell her you fancy a night out yourself and will see her there. Or even offer to pre-book the taxi so you can all go along together.

If she had a partner and wanted to go round to theirs in the evening, would that be ok? If so, what’s the difference (apart from the taxi issue, which I think is a bonkers thing for you to fixate on).

Right but there’s a difference between being overbearing and wanting to be reassured about an 18 year old out on her own in Blackpool on xmas day. I always let my mum know who I was with and how I was getting home. No mobile phones then either. it was out of love for my easy going mum. Why would I worry her for nothing ?

I wouldn't be happy about the secrecy and vagueness of it all either. It just sounds off and like she is lying , I would be more mad about that. Could it be she has met someone and doesn't want you to know about them?

OPs DD does not have the same responsibility to her as her DH does, that is such a weird thought process IMO.

But if her DH did want to go to the pub then I wouldn't see the issue unless he was expecting OP to look after kids (under 18) or cook dinner etc while he was out.

The difference is she is clearly lying which makes it sound dodgy…and I really don’t think 6th formers have “partners”, what’s wrong with good old fashioned “boyfriend and girlfriend”

Have all of you who are fretting over the Google AI (which could well be wrong anyway) saying the venue is closed and jumping to mad conclusions about the DD lying, completely forgotten what it's like to arrange a night out when you're 18?!

The plans so far have probably involved vague conversations about times and venues. I doubt very much there is an exact agenda mapped out. If it's shut they'll go somewhere else. Or maybe a friend has hired it out. Who knows.

All this "2pm is too early", "has she booked a taxi" and "oh but it's going to be shut" stuff is almost certainly giving more structure to the DDs night out than she's given it herself.. I mean at that age I literally flew to the opposite side of the world with fewer plans in my head than most of you are giving to a local night out.

YABU she’s an adult she can do what she wants on Christmas Day.

I think it's reasonable to want to have an idea of where ANY member of the household is going late night Christmas Day, who with and how to contact them.

When I was 18, my mother was 54 and if SHE had decided to go clubbing on Christmas Day with people whose identities she would not tell me, was being reticent about arranging or disclosing travel arrangements and whether the venue was even open, we'd be having words. It's not necessarily an age thing, just a safety and consideration thing.

At 18 you can tell her you’re not happy with it and you can ask her to compromise by going out later but if she’s determined to go you can’t actually stop her.

Don’t make it a battle you can’t win.