To have abruptly limited DD screen time

[shaniahoo]

DD7 has had her own tablet since she was 3. Covid seemed like a good excuse for a lot of screen time because we were hanging around the house so much. Before tablet she was never capable of playing alone for any stretch of time, so it gave us some respite. This turned into dependency over time, because if nobody was available to play, she'd ask for tablet or TV and we would say yes.

Her brother was born last year and we relied on it even more heavily because someone always needed to be with him and if the other parent was at work or cooking or cleaning or whatever then there was nobody available to play, so screen time it was. Now she's getting older we could see her as a phone addicted teen, and we didn't like it, so we put a 45min a day limit on the tablet and only occasionally offering TV as an alternative.

We're all struggling with this change. DD just doesn't know what to do with herself. She wants to play with someone really but in the 3-6 period between school finish and dinner when she would normally have a straight run of screen time, I'm watching DS while waiting for DH to come home from work and then one of us cooks dinner and the other is still with DS. I think screen time was masking how upsetting it is for her that nobody can play with her after school. They are very different ages and can't play together properly and he can't be left. He grabs whatever she's playing with so we can't play together near him, and she's so rough with him when she tries to play with him. Most of her play with him is moving his body parts around roughly and trapping him or slapping him on the head and calling it "patting". I can't say how much of each afternoon is me saying "he doesn't like that" or "let him go". I try to teach her how to play with him in a nice way but she finds it boring.

She's an excellent reader and I suggest things like, well, reading, or puzzle books or art etc and she always says naaah, naaah, to every idea. She ends up either bothering her brother, rolling around on the sofa making noises or deciding she's going to do something elaborate that it's impossible for me to help her with, like junk modelling. The after school period is now a nightmare. Weekends and after dinner are good because there's usually one parent to play. We fit in playdates where we can and making the best of the quality time together we do have. But I'm wondering if we've made the wrong decision. She's struggling so much with having to entertain herself it's making all our lives so difficult. Should we just give the screen time back? Or is there a chance she could learn and adapt and become good at finding her own fun?

Well done, please don’t give her the device back- she is learning a crucial lesson - how to entertain herself. it would be very bad for her to unlearn it and revert to screen addiction.

This sort of thing was why we used screen time.

the short answer is yes she will but it’ll take a long time.

winter is always the worst for this as well because in summer you can stop off at the park in the way home, play in the garden etc.

does she have any after school clubs? Can you arrange regular play dates/swooping of childcare with another mum?

two 7 year olds often entertain themselves better than 1.

Do not give the screens back. No way. This is going to be a tough patch while you all learn to adapt. It is your job to stick with it and figure it out. Learn how to play with them both at once. One each side of you. You go back and forwards between them. Her by herself for five minutes knowing that you WILL return because you make damn sure you do each time. The baby being put down for brief periods while you go to her. Gradually lengthening their times. The more you do it the better it will get.
You took the easy way out for too long. You are damaging her allowing this much screen time. You need to work this one though. Sorry.

She will eventually find things to do. She should also pick up a couple of after school activities like sport or music. Don’t give up. It’s not fair on her to have a tablet for 3 hours every school day.

She’ll learn. She needs to build up her stamina — playing independently is a skill, and it needs to be taught and practised like any other skill.

She has swimming and gymnastics in the week but both are a late slot so the immediate after school time is still an issue on those days. Usually a play date once a week too which helps.
To clarify, DS is 14m so fully mobile and we have a really, really titchy living space to work with.

You are doing the right thing now even though this is hard at the moment. Have you read "The Anxious Generation"? If not I recommend it as it may strengthen your resolve. This is a good site too https://www.smartphonefreechildhood.org/the-issue/evidence

Buy her some Lego Friends for Xmas, DD occupied herself for hours with these at that age. Sit with her to start then tell her you're making tea and look forward to seeing what she's made. Ask her about the characters she's created, what they like doing, their friends and pets.

Involve her in peeling and chopping veg for tea.

You said she's good at art, encourage this. Put a vase of flowers on the table and ask her to paint them for granny. Take her to a bookshop, let her choose a book then ask for regular updates on the characters and plots.

Lovely ideas and good advice.

I’m afraid I agree with another PP - you’ve taken the easy way out for too long. Well done for facing up to the problem - now you need to stick it out!

While you are watching the 14 month old until your husband is home can’t you be on the floor with them both playing?

Does she like crafting? Maybe buy her some origami paper or get someone to show her how to knit?

I spent a lot of time on the floor when ours were young.
Games, reading, jigsaws, construction toys.
Baking, food prep. Fun times.
You learn to manage the two but easier when at their level I think.
Avoid screen if you can. It's so important to develop their social skills at a young age

You'd be unreasonable to go back to letting her sit on a tablet for 3 hours straight, but it's also unreasonable to say that you are unable to do anything with her because you are busy with her brother, that must feel awful for her. I completely understand the different age needs as I had 4 children in 10 years but you have to find ways to interact with them both at once not just leave her to entertain herself.

You can turn dinner making into a fun shared experience- she’s old enough to start learning how to cook. A lot of the stuff that needs to be done between school end and bedtime can be turned into quality one on one time with a parent.

Lego, Sylvanian Families, Polly Pockets. These are the options our 2 get. They still want the screens but we’ve been clear that’s not happening. Our eldest now spends a lot of time writing her own stories.

There will be tantrums ahead - stay strong.

She’s struggling because she’s never learned to think of ways to entertain herself.
She’s rough with her brother because she’s never learned how to be gentle with him or how to play with him.
Both are important life skills so I would say it’s important she learns them. It’s your job as a parent to help her learn them. Giving back more screen time is not parenting and it’s not helping her develop skills which she needs to learn.

Power through.

Id be sterner with rough treatment.
my ds is same age and my 3 yr old did.t always nice(!) But knows not to be rough / she ger told off / there will be a consequence.

Its hard but you are doing well. Winter is so hard - it will get easier.

Stay strong.
Arts and crafts (foil or gem art, painting pottery) or sylvanian families (my dd is just getting into these) might be good

Youvshpuls also have some unadulterated 1:1 time. I do this with both kids in little ways in the day and also do mornings 1:1 at weekends

I’m guessing you’ve not taught her independent play? Or if you did then it was long enough ago then that muscle is a bit weak.
it’s a tough time of the year because they’re all exhausted, but perhaps the Christmas holiday will offer some reset time.
Set up an activity for her to come in to. Make sure her toys are as open-ended as possible (do the same for DS so he learns to play independently). Have DS in a highchair playing with something and sit with her to get her started, then pop on dinner, check on DS and come back to her. Have them both at opposite ends of the kitchen table so can both do something in the same space.

I would swap the 45 mins per day on the iPad for 45 mins of tv. Tv is far less addictive than an iPad.

You really need to stay strong. She currently has no attention span because you’ve never given her time to play and learn to occupy herself. A normal 7 year old can occupy themselves for hours with crafting, reading and playing.

I would also expect a 7 year old to know how to behave around a baby without hurting them. She’s being deliberately rough. Does she blame the baby for losing her iPad? She also sees you spending all evening with the baby and not her. Surely you can play with her at the same time?

Is there a park you can go to after school?

Don’t go back to unlimited screen time. None of your “reasons” are particularly valid your just listing reasons why it would make your life easier. Sorry to be harsh but you really need to step up and push through this. Even if you or your husband are minding the little one you can still play alongside with your dd.

I'd suggest removing screens entirely for a month... That always helps us if we need to reset as they forget a lot quicker if they're not getting little bits here and there.

At 7 she should be able to independently play... But also there are some games/activities that would work with both, some more hands on for you some not, painting and baking can involve both of them but would be pretty hectic. But you could do some mini skittles out of old bottles and throw a ball at them, put cushions around as an adventure course to climb over, setup some tracks to run toy cars around...