Timely question. I don't like my brother about 80% of the time. I don't know if I love him or not. I do occasionally hate him. I think I've become numb around him.
He can sometimes be sweet and funny but he's a selfish, misogynist alcoholic whose stunted at the age of about 14. He can't go a day without referencing arseholes and bodily functions or other prurient subjects. He's 41.
He's someone who holds a grudge and relays the same anecdotes about how he has been wronged over and over but won't take responsibility for himself. Instead, will make endless excuses as to why whatever misogynistic, racist thing he said is OK (usually boils down to 'I heard it from a woman/black person so you can't complain'🙄). Or wallows in self pity. He takes no interest in me and most of his conversation revolves around him.
If I ever react to some disgusting thing he says he'll turn it round on me and make out I am unreasonable. Basically, he wants free rein to 'be himself' in his words without anyone ever pissing on his chips by having their own feelings about his behaviour.
He is quick to anger. Has regularly punched lampposts/walls then shown me the injury in an attempt to offload his rage, as if it is somehow my responsibilty. He often talks about feeling as if he could kill someone.
He lives with my mother who alternates between rejecting him and enabling him in a babying way. Both my parents had explosive arguments when I was young and there was abuse within the house.
I have some sympathy at times as we were both fucked over by our parents but I've come to the conclusion that he is practically emotionally illiterate and there is no point attempting connection with him as the part of his brain that processes nuance and understanding in relationships must be missing.
Thanks, that helped.