DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

I wonder if she looks down on her siblings a bit. She's living a glam London life while her sisters can't afford a caravan holiday and stay up in the north west. Could she be a bit snobby?

I doubt she thinks she's better than the rest of you if she was always given hand-me-downs and her life events were overshadowed. She probab;y thinks she made a success of herself regardless of her place at bottom of the pecking order.

and now yet again with christmas it is about others and her siblings and their kids not her

Has she had a big row with her partner perhaps but doesn't want to say? I would be thinking along these lines tbh. As much as you've met him/like him, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. He could be charming/lovely to you but controlling to her.

I would be disappointed but tread carefully.

Definitely not, she’s a lawyer at an American law firm, not long finished her training contract and earning very well.

What an odd comment. She doesn't sound remotely lonely - she has a fantastic job, a busy social life and according to OP, a wonderful boyfriend. Why would she be lonely?

I don’t like big family dos. I like children (have one of my own) but I get overwhelmed with lots of them about - I’m fine for a few hours etc but I wouldn’t want to spend a number of days. I’m ND and masking is exhausting quite frankly.

I wouldn’t be upset at her not wanting to come - I think people can be fairly selfish still in their 20’s to be honest and not really get the obligation to see family etc. I’d be happy that she’s got ‘people’ wherever she is.

It’s also a massive thing for her boyfriend to do if he’s not particularly outgoing maybe. So I wouldn’t expect it.

Saying that - dropping you on the same day they should have arrived is naughty and she should have given you far more notice. I’d make my feelings on that known but other than that I’d wish her a lovely time. Maybe a video call at a quiet moment?

Or, on the other hand they get fed up of their family not really being interested in what they’re doing, making no effort to understand their life, constant snide comments, expectations they should bear all costs “because you have a great job” - having a small town attitude, resentment and jealousy becomes boring.

Well, I think it's very clear why she doesn't want to come home for Christmas!

Jesus, do you not see how you come across?

I am similar to your daughter, I’m the only one in my family to go to uni and move away from home, although I did move back after a few years. So I understand sometimes feeling a bit different to the rest of your family, it was something I struggled with when I first came home after uni but all that has gone now!. However she’s being unbelievably rude. Does she know that you have spent money on her which is now wasted? How does she feel about that?.

I don’t think she should be expected to visit her siblings if they can’t visit her, but it is really rude not to congratulate her sister on the birth of a baby. She doesn’t have to want or even enjoy being around children, but I don’t think that should be a reason to cancel Christmas. Surely there will still be a lot of ‘adult’ time over Christmas.

Indeed. She sounds as though she has a nice life.

Yabu. She is doing what’s best for her.

Not everyone wants a big family Christmas with people they never see. The snacks will still be ate and there’s plenty others going.

So just have an open door policy for another time and she'll come to you when she's ready. Coming across as controlling is just having the opposite effect.

She doesn’t sound like a family person.. she may change her ways once she has her own child/ren and realise how important family is ..

She sounds like a friend of mine e who is very militant on children and thinks anyone who has them and embraces family life has become consigned to the realms of boring. Perhaps it is something she finds tedious in everyone talking about the kids, focusing on the kids, my brother for example couldn't care less about kids in the family, and isn't a natural with them, so doesn't seek them out.

However, it's rude to cancel on you all last minute and write off a sibling relationship, even a distance and infrequent one, because they're at different stages of life. I went to uni in London and still visited my North East family at Christmas for the best part of 15 yrs, enjoying family life then enjoying going back to my indecent one. You can have both! And I have a toddler myself so can see both sides.

I'd be worried about her, rather than mad. It just sounds like she doesn't feel like she fits in or something, with the family. I don't know but it's just unusual.

never having even met two of her own sibling's children (so her niece/nephew) despite living fairly close (i.e. in the same country, and given you've travelled to see her multiple times) is pretty crap, tbh.

People on this thread are confusing not being a 'child' person = fine, and making absolutely no effort with your entire family = not fine.

There are very few people for whom every single aspect of Christmas sparks immense joy but you compromise for the sake of spending time with your loved ones.

She doesn't have to spend the whole day giving piggybacks to small children, but just needs to engage politely with them, as you would any other human. It's highly unlikely they even would want to play with a complete stranger when there are loads of other kids/adults who they actually like and know there, plus presents and toys to be distracted by, anyway!

Even apart from everything else, refusing an invite and spending Christmas with her partner is one thing. Accepting an invite knowing someone will be spending money on you, and looking forward to you coming, and then cancelling last minute, not once but twice, is rude and selfish, and would be even if it wasn't Christmas and was for any other occasion.

Yes yes to this. I hate big family gatherings. It would be my worst nightmare with all the noise. I have a big family of children but only want to be with my own children on Christmas Day. I can relax in my own home at least...
OP she'll come to you when she is ready and on her own terms.

I don't blame her tbh. She probably feels like she is the black sheep of the family and has nothing in common with her other siblings. I would hate to have a Xmas with tons of kids running around while I am expected to sit there and interact with them all. And I say this as someone who is currently pregnant with my own child. Other people's children are not nearly as entertaining as their parents think they are. The whole thing sounds really stressful.

However she shouldn't have cancelled on you last minute again as that is rude when you have gone to the trouble of preparing things for her to stay e.g. stockings.

That's such an incredibly offensive comment.

Surely it's the "cancelling at the last minute" that's irked the OP. 🤔As she explains the DD should literally have been getting on the train to come when she texted to say she'd changed her mind.

"Having a different view" would be saying "no thank you" 6 weeks ago when she was invited and accepted. Very different scenarios.

She probably feels she’s jumped straight from being overshadowed by her siblings’ events and achievements to being overshadowed by their kids’ events and achievements. Was her going to university (the only one of 6?) as big a deal for the whole family as the first grandchild?

I’d be annoyed at her last minute change of mind, as that’s unfair to do that so late.
However, some people just aren’t into children. I am one of those and I find children at Christmas utterly tedious. Frankly they ruin things for me.
I far prefer adult only gatherings.

However, she shouldn’t be pulling out so last minute as that’s very rude.

I agree with the pp who says it just comes across she’s not liked very much. The youngest sibling who always got the left overs and hand me downs while everyone else is celebrated.

and here she is again expected to come home to celebrate everyone else and their children. She’s the outlier again.

Then her own mother thinks she thinks she’s better than them.

Glad she has her brother who seems to actually get his sister.

She’s just fed up of being the bottom rung.

It sounds like she never wanted to go in the first place and just agreed it in the moment to stop the pressure. It all sounds kind of tedious to be honest why would she want to hang around with her cousins' kids they are not not even close relatives and not all siblings are close even if we wish them to be. It sounds like it was entirely predictable she would not turn up,

It sounds like you are trying to herd the family for a 'proper' Christmas and not really hearing she does not want this, with this level of pressure I would rather have a laugh with my friends to be honest and not all siblings are close. Leave her be.

Do you realise how offensive you're being, or do you simply not care?