DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

So she’s always been the youngest and no doubt spoilt. Activity and focus on her. She isn’t anymore and is jealous, she doesn’t like not being the centre of attention.
exceptionally rude and self centred of her to cancel last minute. I would ensure she knows this and how you feel. Yes, your relationship may deteriorate short term, but it can’t all be in her terms and with her treating you like this. She needs to respect you and if that means a break from each other, so be it.

Cancelling late is very rude.
I was never a kids person but sucked it up every year because it’s family.

Just let her get on with what she wants to do - and if I were her siblings I’d give as much energy back ie, very little .

Is there a big age between your DD and the other siblings? Just wondering if she didn't really grow up with them and doesn't feel close to them or have much a relationship with them.
Very difficult for you whatever the reasons.

Cancelling at the last minute is indeed rude/thoughtless. I can though sympathise with her. I would hate to have to spend a lot of time (or indeed any time) interacting with lots of young children. It's my idea of hell.

So they dont visit her, and thats completely ok in your book, but she should visit them?

Is she by any chance neurodivergent? Just lots of people, noise etc can be too overwhelming for many.

I think that it is a bit rude to cancel coming for Christmas at the eleventh hour. She sounds like she obviously doesn't enjoy family Christmases, but perhaps felt pressured (by family, presumably) into saying 'yes' in the first place.

However... does she actually get on with her siblings as people? I ask as I don't with mine, because we're two wildly different people, so we make attempts at careful, polite conversation once or twice a year. While I would like to get to know my niece and nephew more, the sheer distance, my working hours (and the energy that it saps out of me) and my relationship with my sibling makes that a bit tricky. Yes, my sibling thinks that it's rude of me, and our mother can't understand it (she goes, "I wish that you were closer!") but... as a grown-up, why would I want to spend time with somebody that I haven't liked since they were in primary school? In any case, if it was the reverse situation, I strongly imagine that they wouldn't see much of my child(ren) for the same reasons.

Christmas is also expensive when you have a lot of people to buy for (e.g. your daughter's nieces and nephews), and it's tricky when you don't know what the recipients want/need.

That kinda tells you she's not interested, sorry. She's not interested

I agree with that. I think the fact that she's the only one who went to university and moved away is significant.

This. My dd is a similar age - also child free by choice - and I see a lot of this behaviour in her friends (thankfully not her though; she is home for Christmas). I think a lot of young adults see family as optional now. From what you’re writing she doesn’t see herself as part of the family anymore. I am sure there’s a huge backstory from her point of view.

This is very rude behaviour. I wonder if she would treat anyone else like this or just her family? I'd be having a serious chat with her after Christmas.

I suspect there is more to it than she is saying (hurt feelings about something you didn't see as a problem, something more long term she's not telling you, even possibly a class issue with her boyfriend) but whether there is it isn't you are completely within your rights to tell her how hurtful she has been. She doesn't have to say she'll come. Not showing up the day of is incredibly rude.

“hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin”

Who’s putting this pressure on her? She clearly feels like she can’t show up as herself and instead of reassuring her you point out that she’s not making an effort with the children.

I agree that it’s rude to cancel at such short notice but Christmas sounds chaotic and very child focused. I can see why a 26 yo would find this overwhelming.

Did her siblings make any effort to maintain the relationship with her after they had kids or was your DD expected to be the one to always accommodate?

I found this moving away from where the rest of my family lived it was somehow expected that travelling was always down to me to “come home” because it was my choice to leave.

This. It was really rude of her, especially as there is now a cost to you (in terms of gifts, prep time)... However I would look to explore why she has done this. I'd calmly explain to her later on (in the new year) that you completely respect how she chooses to spend her time, however you felt hurt when she cancelled so last minute, because it felt very short notice and you'd already made a lot of plans for food and arrangements. If she feels the same in the future can she please let you know sooner (emergencies aside, obviously).

Then, there is the separate issue of her not wanting to spend time with her family. I'd ask her how you can better meet her needs e.g. have just her and her DP for a get together. Show her you love her and find something that works. It's fine for her to not be enamoured by a busy Christmas, lots of children etc if that just isn't her vibe, but it doesn't mean she doesn't love you all.

I think she’s selfish and immature to treat people - her own siblings and parents at that - like this. She’s under no obligation to be this or that type of aunt/sister/daughter. But she is obliged to accord people a minimum amount of respect, such as not cancelling Christmas last minute, or sending a congrats text earlier than two weeks after your sister has a baby. She may have a good job and lead a good life; she’s just not very clever or decent by the sound of things. Her loss. It’ll catch up with her when/if she grows up.

I’ve known so, so many young people who think that because they’re winning (or think they are) professionally or socially, they can discard whatever went before. Without exception, they’re sanctimonious, believe themselves to be “elevated” compared to the people in what they see as their past, and are utterly obnoxious. Without exception, they come to regret their actions eventually. Life has a habit of humbling people like this.

You still make a huge effort though. That’s a totally different scenario. This young woman makes no effort. She has seen one sibling rarely and the others not at all. She makes no effort to see her parents. The parents make effort.

unless their has been abuse, then this is a very strange and distressing situation for any family. All relationships take effort and realising one of your dc has no interest in maintaining relationships with any of the family is quite upsetting.

OP sadly some people don’t value family. There may be nothing you can do. Keep the doors open. Make the efforts you want to make but hold few expectations and don’t arrange your life to fit around hers.

sometimes with maturity and life experience they come back. If she chooses to have dc she may discover the joy of family. Or she may not

I don’t think she was ever spoiled. As the youngest she almost always got hand me downs, a lot of her big life events were overshadowed by an older siblings/cousins “bigger” life event. We tried to balance it but she certainly wasn’t spoiled.
She looks quite different from her siblings (although they share the same parents) she is taller, different hair and eye colour and was always told she was the pretty one by strangers. She was also the sportiest, and did the best at school so I think there is an element of her thinking she is better than the rest of the family.

On the surface yes, it is very rude. There wouldn’t be anything else going on that you aren’t aware of? I don’t want to worry you unnecessarily but I was previously in an abusive relationship and would have often cancelled on big events last minute if the shitbag had kicked off about something. He would have purposefully started rows which would have stopped me from seeing my family as planned.

I understand how the adult daughter feels. In my mid 20s I hated big family gatherings with yards of children. I used to dread it when my mother began in October asking me what am I doing for Christmas. I tried explaining how I felt but she had one of her wobblers (panic attacks) when I said surely you would not want me to come just out of obligation and hating every minute of it.

Once I got older and went to live in another city I just used work as an excuse. Ive always been very self sufficient and Im not into the mawkish family atmosphere.

Could it be a financial issue @calypsolypso? from your OP it sounds like there’s an expectation for her to buy gifts for quite a lot of children - that would be a big ask in your mid-20’s. Then the cost of the travel as it sounds like it’s a good distance away.

Or maybe she won’t. Not everyone is interested in their family and that is fine!

Did you miss the bit where she's not been home for years?!

She's being selfish and shit. But then she is in her 20s and your friends are everything to you at that stage.

Her friends will start having kids in 5 - 10 years and she'll probably come back to you.

You really don’t like her OP, it oozes from your posts, especially this one. I feel sorry for your daughter.

She’s very rude declining at the last minute and I would pull her up on that. Tell her very firmly that next time she shouldn’t accept rather than let people down at the last minute.

Other than that I don’t think she is being unreasonable. For one reason or another she doesn’t enjoy your version of a family Christmas. She’s entitled to have the celebration she wants, and in fairness it does sound like the rest of the family are at a different life stage and very far away. I think I’d drop the rope a bit here and let her decide for herself how much contact to have, without taking it personally. Like “of course we’ll miss you but totally understand etc.”. It won’t be forever. And I’d rather my kids do something they enjoy than feel obliged to stay with me, all the time wishing they were somewhere else.

Between her and the eldest yes, but they are evenly spaced out more or less so DD1 is 36, DD2 is 33, DD3 is 31, DS is 29 and DD 26.