DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

No, I don't think she's being rude at all. She's made her point which is valid.

Why would you ask if she's bought for nieces and nephews?

Do you think she's being forced by you to make this xmas?

Is everything about children the whole time? Does she have to hear them, admire them, smell them, be shown videos of them when they’re right there, have the only conversation topics be about what little Johnny ate today or little Florence’s nappies? Is it a case that she could turn up with a missing limb and no one would notice because the children? Is she expected to buy presents for a dozen or so kids, plus parents, and she’ll get some tat back from ‘them all’? Does she have to listen to hours of trivia about nursery schools whilst no-one asks a question about her life?
I have a sister like the above, and if it’s so, I can understand her backing out. Not everyone likes child-centric environments. Last minute is rude though.

So this wasn’t going to be a fun Christmas for her. Don’t be so hard on her. You just wanted her to fawn over your grandchildren. She probably doesn’t want a big family Christmas
We have never once complained about the money we have spent visiting our children.

I have children and I still don’t want to go to my parents or dh’s parents for Christmas. I also don’t want to regularly get all the cousins together and have some fake forced fun.

Not everyone needs to have children to be happy either. Rather insulting to those who can’t or don’t want them.

<hollow laugh>

Just finished her training contract at an American law firm, you say? These are PRECISELY the people I was describing in my previous post. I was one, I knew so many. So depressing that nothing has changed in the 20+ years since that was my world. The environment where she spends almost all her waking hours is one in which she can easily believe she’s worth the money she’s being paid, and worth more than others. Like I say, not very clever.

She could have decided not to come on October. Not wanting to come is not being unreasonable. Dropping out last minute? Very.

I think you have to accept that she isn’t very nice - at least at the moment. If you have 5 kids odds are that they won’t all be nice people. You can love them and still think they are a bit of a twit.

It’s the selfish, bratty behaviour of someone with a superiority complex- moving to London for a career doesn’t have to make you a complete bitch.

I’d treat her just like you would an attention seeking toddler, ignore completely. But knock the London visits on the head and show zero interest in her life until she engages with yours. She might grow up, she might not.

It’s perfectly understandable to not want the whole big family Christmas but quite another to ignore all your siblings all year round, and to accept an invitation and then cancel last minute.

Basically she thinks it will be boring and she's had a better offer.

She's rude and arrogant.

Would you accept this rudeness from her siblings? Do not treat her any differently unless you want seething resentment over time from the others.

I'd say "hi dd. I am quite hurt by this as I was looking forward to having everyone together. However I am also taken back and disappointed by your rudeness. You aren't cancelling because of an emergency and you haven't given any notice. You simply got a better offer and you don't seem to have given any thought to us in your decision. "

OP this might be hard but - she’s building a life in the south east. The only way she’ll be part of your other DDs lives is if she moves back or spends money and time coming to visit them. Her brother shares an interest and I assume as well as meeting up for sports, chat about those to keep the relationship going.

she’s probably not going to ever be close to them. I think you should highlight the rudeness of last minute cancellation, but accept she probably won’t want to come back up. It’s not her hometown anymore.

Then she shouldn't have said Yes to the invite should she? As MN always reminds us No is a complete sentence.

No problem doing her own thing but Xmas hosting is a lot more than just putting the kettle on - so much more food bought, presents, rooms prepped for the stay. Say No by all means but say it sooner than the day you're supposed to be there!

I am the youngest by some way, and Christmas when everyone else was in a family was very lonely, and I love small kids. If I didn't like the kids, I think I would have hated every moment. She's rude to cancel, but I get not wanting to be there. You visiting her may be the most appropriate option for this stage of her life.
Against that lawyers at American city firms work all the hours god gives, in the limited time she has off I can imagine she really wants to enjoy it to the max. Being the spare part whilst her siblings play happy families may not be.

Or maybe just a rude person?? People can do what they like but it is incredibly rude to cancel the last minute.

I wish people would stop saying this. Many people are happily childfree forever. I’m a decade older than OP’s daughter and not a single person in my social group has children nor have we moved back to our hometowns.

Whilst cancelling this late is rude, I don't blame her for not wanting to be there. It sounds like she's been an afterthought her whole life, despite some exceptional achievements.

I'd be done too. I would have just politely declined the invitation rather than dropping you at the last second though. You can reasonably be v. pissed off with that behaviour, whilst perhaps reflecting on the way the family has treated her, historically.

So does DH never see his family on Xmas day?

Maybe there too much pressure on you wanting her to be the perfect Aunt. Come and see your siblings, you have to meet your new niece/nephew/you must buy them gifts kind of thing. Perhaps she feels you don’t actually want to see her as a person but as an Aunt who should want to adore her nieces/nephews.

She probably doesn’t have much in common with her siblings - she went to Uni, moved away, has a great career and probably a good salary to reflect this while her siblings didn’t go to Uni, have very different careers, less money and young children. Totally different lifestyles.

For her own reasons, she seems to dread coming back home. Going forward, I wouldn’t mention nieces/nephews to her unless she asks. Visit her as much/little as you want. Talk to her about her life/career/what you’re up.

Have you read the OP's updates? It's hardly surprising her daughter has dropped out.

How many children will be around? If it's more then 3 I'm on her side!

Last minute cancelling is poor form.

When I was younger I thought I would never have children. I certainly didnt want to be around other peoples. I found Christmas with family incredibly tedious. Everything had to revolve around other people, there was never any compromise or adult activities. DH and I eventually started going abroad for Christmas. It was perfect. I do't blame her for wanting a Christmas with friends where they can go to the pub, have adult meals and decent conversation.

It's also incredibly rude for the OP to talk about her daughter in the way she does.

She admits she gave her tons of hand-me-downs and that her life events were always overshadowed by her siblings "bigger events". Even now her DD has moved out, OP still badgers her about not being good enough at keeping in touch or visiting her cousins' kids.

I wouldn't want to come home to that either.

Because surely most people would buy a Christmas present for their siblings young children.
I don't think OP has put any pressure on her daughter at all. She asked her in October what her Christmas plans were which is perfectly reasonable. The daughter said she was going to spend it with tej family even talking about arrangements and accommodation. Then at the last minute she cancelled. Unless there is illness that is selfish and very rude. She knew the children would be there when she said she would go and she must have known her mother would have been making preparations. She sounds very self centred

Has she always been a brat or is it since she met boyfriend/moved to London?
I don’t like lots of kids running around etc, visiting certain relatives etc etc but you’d never know as I put a really good act on because it’s Christmas.

No one deserves to be treated so badly, you must be so hurt - I wouldn’t be sending presents back to her this year (you’ve missed the last post anyway) or making any effort with her in future.
Make the most of the family who really care for you.

It is rude to cancel at the last minute but she probably doesn't understand what is involved in hosting Christmas and might think it's no particular inconvenience to you for her to cancel now when there are still a few days to go. Christmas and family get-togethers probably aren't very important to her at this point in her life. She'll probably be much more involved and mature in 5-10 years. I know when I was in my mid-20s I didn't like children and didn't really appreciate what a big deal they were. Family Christmases weren't important to me. I'm very different now.

Well yeah, but that was your choice. You can't force her to be bothered!

And just re-read your first post again - so what if she’s never met her cousins children ? Does she need to. She’s probably overwhelmed with the thought of all these children and having to chat to them, etc, etc.