DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

I think if you take this Christmas in isolation then yes I’d be disappointed but would appreciate she’s 26 and living her best life in London. But when it is paired with her not meeting her new nieces/nephews in 2 years or not talking to her siblings, I would definitely be miffed. Does she feel like she’s a bit superior than her siblings because she’s living a different life?

Either she’s in her young carefree phase of her life and the thought of being away from clubs and bars is hell. She feels she is better having been to uni and got a career rather than her siblings who have settled in full family life. Or

She is having fertility issues and being surrounded by happy families is again hell.

Whichever YNBU to feel pissed she keeps standing you up at tbe last minute. In future don’t make arrangements just casually say let me know if you are coming and leave it at that. Don’t get anything special for her and don’t run yourself ragged with beds etc.

It’s incredibly rude of her to cancel at the last minute. I quite understand why a 26 year old doesn’t want to be around loads of kids etc, at her age I would have hated it - still would, in fact. But even though I would have hated it, I would have done it out of a sense of family duty and I would certainly never have cancelled at the last minute. Once in a while we have to do things we don’t enjoy out of family duty. That’s just life. YANBU.

She's 26. I don't think you should be 'expecting' her to do anything. You're talking about her as if she's 15 and has to do as she's told and has to dutifully show up for things to keep up appearances. But she doesn't, because she's 26.

I don't think you should be nagging a 26-year-old about how often she sees her siblings and cousins and their kids. It's her choice.

From what you've said, I think she simply doesn't enjoy the same kind of family life that you do. My guess is that she has a very different kind of personality and a very different idea of what's fun to you and possibly her siblings, and that she just doesn't feel like she fits in. Sometimes, being surrounded by your family can feel very lonely and maybe she's just finding her niche in life at the moment, and that niche isn't big noisy wholesome family gatherings. I personally would find the sort of Christmas you're describing to be quite stressful and suffocating.

Maybe she doesn't, as you say, care about her siblings. Maybe she feels they don't care about her, either. It sounds to me as if all the gathering together is for you, rather than the siblings and so on - you want them to be together for you rather than them wanting to be together because they're naturally close. It's perfectly OK to enjoy the company of friends more than your siblings.

She shouldn't have waited until the last minute to cancel, but I suspect she was probably aware that she'd have a longer period of guilt-tripping/cajoling/telling off if she cancelled earlier and maybe the full realisation of what it's going to be like has only just kicked in. I understand why you're disappointed/annoyed but I don't think you can engineer family relationships like this and you need to appreciate that your daughter isn't someone you can just mould into your idea of what you want her to be.

It sounds like she’s incredibly immature and selfish. Hopefully it’s a phase she grows out of.

Either that or she has an incredibly controlling boyfriend who won’t allow her to visit home.

Either way, keep her close. Let her have her flounce. Keep visiting and try not to take it too personally.

Maybe the "child free phase" as you put it is permanent and she's fed up of having her family not-so-subtly pushing for her to have one. Are there any times when you say " come on up for a few days and we'll do something together , just us", or are there always children involved? My DD hasn't visited her dad for the last 10 Christmases (and rarely visits at other times), because there's not a day goes by when 1 or other of his grandkids are there. It is a little off to cancel so close to the day but honestly I don't blame her for not wanting to be around other people's children for most of her visit.

Is she cancelling at last minute because she knows you will spend weeks/months needling at her and being resentful and pissy, trying to coerce and guilt trip her into coming against her will, if she voices her feelings well in advance? I'm just offering this as an angle btw, not presuming you'd do that, I don't know you!

So, yes it's generally rude to cancel so close to the event. But if you are like some members of my family, it has to be that way, because otherwise you have endless emotional manipulation and drama to contend with for months. And if you do go, you feel a spare part amongst all the noise and demands of others. And it feels awful either way.

As a self preservation technique, sometimes the late cancellation is the lesser of two evils for the person cancelling.

It sounds like she feels overshadowed by the grandkids. Perhaps this is particularly likely as the youngest child who was the family baby before they came along and is also not at that life stage. This isn't a particularly mature response but she hasn't got the bigger picture perspective that motherhood may bring. I would explain that the last minute cancellation is inconvenient because of what you had bought them, and say you would love to meet up in the new year and would she consider coming to yours if it was just the four of you that weekend. And try to have a heart to heart with her.

That’s rude and that’s not kind. I would act like it didn’t bother me and stay distant over the Christmas period. Why would you want her there, if she has that attitude. She could have told you a while back. Don’t invite her again, if she wants to visit, she will let you know. It’s very sad, but she is not bothered is she? She is an adult with her own life, but she needs to learn some manners. At least you won’t have to walk on egg shells over Christmas.

Yeah, YANBU @calypsolypso but sadly, young women of that age (some of them - particularly young professionals) tend to be a bit selfish and self centred. That's not a critisism, they have a right to be, as they're young, and should be having fun/living their best life. Unfortunately, family can often get lost in the mix, and pushed back to the bottom of their priorities in life.

Once our DC went to uni - both quite close together - they couldn't be arsed with us much for about a decade. Even for 5-6 years after they left uni! Any excuse would do to not spend Christmas day with us, they often favoured their partner's family as they lived closer, they rarely answered the phone when I phoned, (but always answered their mates phone calls!) and when I messaged them, they would sometimes not answer me for 2 days. Quite honestly it was quite hurtful, but I knew if I nagged/mithered, I would drive them further away, and I didn't want to feel like a nuisance. I mean they would have turned up like a shot if it had been an emergency, but otherwise they were a bit 'meh.'

They're both 30-ish now, and live less than half hour drive away, and always answer messages as quickly as they can, (and seem happy to, and happy to talk to me - and their dad, my DH.) They visit once every 3 weeks or so (and we visit them the same amount, so see them every 10 days or so.) We go for meals and lunches out, to the cinema, to the theatre, and on daytrips, and they are both coming here for Christmas day with their partners this year!

But yeah, don't feel too blue @calypsolypso Just have to take the rough with the smooth with independent and feisty adult children, as they seem to have lots of priorities that are ahead of you for a while.

Cancelling lat minute is wrong, not wanting to come is understandable.

How much effort do her siblings make with her? Have they ever bothered to go see her? Do they talk to her about her life? Or are they focused on their own lives/families/kids?

I've been there, where your DD is. I was the last of my family to have kids, for various reasons. And tbh I got endless reminders from my parents to engage with the kids, and my siblings, come to family events, buy so and so a gift, etc etc. But it was clear they were not saying the same to my siblings about me and my important milestones. I moved less than 30 minutes drive away, lived there for 4 years, and not one of my siblings visited me, neither did my parents to be fair. I now live 30 minutes away in a different town, and the three times my siblings have come and visited me it has been to do with one of the children I wound up having eventually.

I don't resent my siblings for this, they have their own lives and families and clearly that's a focus for them. But it definitely has coloured how I interact with them and the level of effort I put in.

Also where would they have been sleeping?

Is boxing day at your dh's family less child focused? Perhaps invite her to that?

My young bil has no kids and 7 nephews to buy for, i cant believe he does it (generally cash tbh) but it is a lot, so I wouldn't be bothered about the no gifts for nieces and nephews. Sounds like she is at a different stage of life. Shame she doesnt make the effort, I am sure she will come round at some point.

Very rude to cancel at the last minute.
You need to readjust your expectations for the future. She has made it absolutely clear she isn't interested in being part of the family and you shouldn't try to change that. I'd take a step back from invites, obviously still keep in contact, but don't try and force interactions with her siblings. It's a big shame, but she doesn't want it and that's her choice. Focus on your other children and grandchildren and let her live the life she wants. Sorry OP, it must hurt.

Maybe she feels she “got out” and much prefers the person she is now (uni experience / moved away / living in London / professional job / busy social life / lots of friends?) than the person she is/was “back home” (littlest one / hadn’t properly grown up yet / always thought she was too good for us / the clever one / the careerist one / the one who hasn’t quite got it together yet?). It can take a while for young adults to navigate these different parts/ versions of themselves, and even longer for family (and old friends) to realise they aren’t quite the same person they were when they were 15. It can take forever for siblings to learn to relate to each other as “Sam the lawyer” and “Jess the mum of 3 who works in the marketing” rather than Jess who is the eldest and Sam who’s about 10.

OP - how far away is your house from London? Is this a 2-3 hour or a whole day journey?

I think you should say something about being disappointed at the last minute cancellation as you were looking forward to seeing her. Could you suggest she comes up for a weekend in January when it’s less full on with everyone at once.

She sees DS as they share sports interests so will go to a football game together or have a long standing tradition of going to Silverstone for the F1 together.
Her sisters simply don’t have the money ti travel from the north west to London. I’m sure they would if they could but they can just about afford a caravan holiday a year.

Such an ungrateful child you have op. Her loss, some people are destined to lead a lonely existence.

It sounds like her life is very different to the rest of the family’s. Do you live in a place where there’s not much going on. Does she feel as if all the rest of the family value having kids over a career.,does she feel that you were more enthusiastic about the arrival of grandkids than her career? What does she do?

I can sympathise with her. I used to hate going home at Christmas, i was used to interacting with people who were all well educated, i was used to being in a big city with lots happening. I went home and the view was the only achievement s for a woman were marriage and a family. In your 20s you’re trying to find out who you are. If you have a totally different life than the one your family does it’s difficult to move between the two realities at that age. Maybe she feels everything is about the kids and by extension her siblings and cousins..she might feel you like them better because you have more in common, moving away from home you find a new family with your friends. She possibly feels an outcast in her own family.

Really bad form to say she’s coming home then cancel at short notice

Very rude of her (and her boyfriend) to cancel at the last minute. Not U to tell her that you are sad, annoyed and disappointed, for yourself.

Similarly it’s not great if you are doing all the travel to visit her and she never visits you.

You were unreasonable to bring up her relationships (or lack of) with her siblings, cousins and those family members’ DCs. That’s entirely her and the adult family members’ business now.

My DC wouldn’t enjoy a Christmas like that, particularly the small DC and cousins, and nor would I have in my 20s. But wouldn’t have handled it as your DD has.

Looking back to what I was like in my mid 20s I cringe with embarrassment about how immature, unempathetic and ignorant I was. Don't give up on her, she may yet become a decent person.

Being surrounded by loads of family members is heaven for some people and hellish for others. It's certainly not a good way to meet young children for the first time as kids are far too overwhelmed by alll the novelty to recognise one particular grownup they don't know well from another. Perhaps a big family gathering isn't the way to do it for her. Perhaps suggest she visits each family separately over the next few months? Tell her not to post the gifts but to bring them to you when she visits, tell her she'll be welcome to come any weekend she likes and she and her boyfriend can enjoy whichever of the treats you got for them are still in-date.

6 hour drive roughly or 5 hours on the train with a change, but often DH will go and pick them up from the mainline station instead of having to wait for the slow train to our town.

My eldest was in NYC last Christmas. I just accepted it with good grace and got on with Christmas. He's here this year though. Don't dwell on it. Leave her alone. You can see her another time.

My guess is that as the only one to go to uni, and now living the high life in London, she thinks she's outgrown you all.

This isn't just about Christmas. She's not bothered coming to visit in three years. I think she's just not a 'family' person, as well as not being a children person.
There's absolutely no excuse for cancelling on the day they were supposed to be coming, though. I can only assume that she had a 'better' offer.

I'd be really hurt in your position (and presumably her sisters must be hurt, too). But I think you have to dial down your expectations of her.
I hope the rest of you have a lovely Christmas.