DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

Such a kind, generous and helpful mum. To your son, obviously. Not to your youngest daughter, clearly. You know exactly what the problem is. What a wind up.

DS is coming tomorrow morning and staying until Saturday, he often does this at Christmas, even though he only lives 20 minutes away.

Oh come on now!

You can still do that without them staying over for almost a week!

Every update smacks of your DS being the golden child and your DD being the black sheep for daring to pursue a lucrative career and moving far away. I wonder if she was asked if she'd say the same.

You sound a bit cagey, which makes me think there is probably at least one reform-y relative she’s happy to avoid

I’d say she’s far from jealous. More than likely, she wouldn’t have a clue what to buy them and has no inclination to be shopping for eight gifts after working very long hours all week. She probably didn’t even think to buy them anything anyway. It’s not mandatory. Do her siblings send her gifts I wonder ?

@UneAnneeSansLumiere I think it’s fair enough that she doesn’t want to spend Christmas with them, but why on earth did she cancel the day that she was supposed to arrive? That’s the rude part.

Imagine that you were expecting Christmas guests and they cancelled a few hours before their expected arrival? Not because they were ill, transport problems, etc., but they preferred to spend Christmas with friends. How would you feel?

All she needed to do was say that she wasn’t coming a couple of weeks ago.

It’s pretty low to treat family poorly because you ‘don’t have much in common’ with them. Everyone is trying to vilify the op, even to the point of suggesting her voting preference. It’s perfectly possible for two things to be true at the same time; DD is the smart, cosmopolitan, highflying, pretty one but also lacks maturity and self awareness, interpersonal skills etc It’s a skill to not treat others with distain and like they are beneath you for having different life aspirations and income levels.

The DD is entitled to live her life in this way but if she does ultimately decide to have her own children she shouldn’t expect the red carpet rolled out. Best case scenario, she gains a bit of perspective as she gets older and learns to balance family with aspersion.

In fairness, 26 is fairly young these days and most 26 year olds will still be very self focused.

This can’t be real? You seriously cannot be so lacking in awareness you have dedicated two rooms to someone living 20min away over someone who lives 6hours away after promising her that room. It’s a good job you have 4 other kids, I doubt you’ll be seeing much of your DD, I suspect she is already in therapy and the therapist has suggested she sets some boundaries to prevent further damage.

My idea of hell.

If I had been kicked onto a sofabed for 5 nights for someone who lives 20 minutes away I would feel pretty hard done by.

Surely you could see that if you went to stay with your daughter in London, she's upgraded to a 2 bedroom flat say, and then a friend from 5 tube stops away was put up in the spare room while you were downgraded to a sofabed, that that would feel like a pretty pointed snub? I think I would honestly think my family didn't want me there if they did that.

You don't take care of your daughter. She gets the leftovers from the rest of your family.

Your son is local. She was going to travel 6 hours. That's ridiculous.

🙄

She's 26 so she's very young. She might change in a few years but I would not want to spend Christmas with no private place to sleep and kids running around at that age, particularly siblings and their children. You've got a big family, you may not be aware of the sibling dynamics between here and her older brothers and sisters either - if they aren't close and she has broken away and made a life for herself elsewhere there would be reasons for that.

She probably feels happy and valued in her new life in London and comes home and remembers what it was like being the smallest and doesn't enjoy that. I would enjoy your grandkids and wish her a wonderful holiday and see her later. I have kids but the thought of a dining room and kids everywhere would not appeal to me either, particularly if the kids and their parents are very much the focus of attention and she's simply expected to show up with gifts and engage with them. Do her siblings show an interest in her life?

Hey op, I’ve several points to put forward here. Firstly, yes - pulling out last minute is rude but I’d suggest treating it gently ie “really dissappointed not to see you, if I’d known you’d find all the kids etc overwhelming we could have found you and your dp a nice hotel so you could have had some downtime”. Don’t blow bridges. Secondly, as much as we want our kids to get on / be present in each others lives, it just doesn’t always work out that way - not with any obv reason ….i am one of 4, i only have regular (ie at least monthly) contact with one, another prob 6 monthly max and the other only every year to 18 months. We don’t actively dislike each other (& get on fine as & when we’re thrown together) - but are very very different and have differing priorities. Finally, yes - I hate to say it but she may well be a bit snotty about her rise up from her roots, hopefully she’ll learn and grow out of it. In the meantime do your best to maintain contact when she allows and let it go, how lovely that you have 4 other kids and their offspring who are keen to be part of your life ❤️

Exactly.

That’s a very good point. When I have gone home it’s all 50 stories I’ve heard before, monologues about the other mums at school, which neighbours have gotten divorced/died, local small town gossip. Nobody has read a book, travelled, nothing remotely interesting anybody wants to discuss. I don’t even bother asking if anyone has read something or dare mention an event we’ve been to. It’s severely dull.

The last time I went for Christmas it was about 2 hours of a child insisting everyone watch them do the same thing they’d learned at a small persons dance class. Zero actual conversation. Zero adult time. Just noise and mess and dribble.

We assigned the rooms based on need. The pull out bed is perfectly comfortable, the dining room is shut off from other rooms and wouldn’t be in use apart from on Christmas Day. If that was the issue I’d have expected DD to speak up and say actually we want the guest room or we will get a hotel (I just checked hotels around here still have rooms) instead of cancelling last minute.

I think it’s the opposite. The inverted snobbery towards her daughter is apparent in each reply.

Invite her but stop trying any more than that . She is clearly very absorbed in her own life . Eventually she will hopefully want to be with her siblings and you but u til then just leave her be , as hard as it is for you and I completely understand it must be .
Mayve one day are us ready for kids and will understand why family is important

She’s rude. But you make up stockings for adults? Maybe she finds it a bit much.

Don’t invite her next year. Let her visit at some other time that suits both of you.

Waiting for OP to say she does more for her son because her son rings her every day, brings the grandkids over, changes the smoke alarm battery yada yada yada whilst daughter never calls, swanned off to London etc… but she doesn’t have favourites of course

You say she may be "snotty" about her rise up from her roots, but in my experience that can go both ways and those that don't "rise up" are sneery and dismissive to the one that is, a kind of reverse snobbery borne of envy.

She thinks she's above you!

We assigned the rooms based on need.

Which for your son is zero!

Is this a wind up? Ds lives 20 minutes away yet dd has to sleep in the dining room. And has to fork out for all the family?

I hope she has a wonderful Christmas in London.

Whilst I must say she’s rude to cancel last minute, I can’t help but agree that as someone in their mid twenties, I can’t think of anything worse than spending my time off work at Christmas with other people’s toddlers! It’s totally different when they’re your own kids, but having to be fun aunty is draining and sometimes at Christmas you just want to chill out. She probably doesn’t know how to word the fact that she doesn’t want to be surrounded by all these children without coming across badly (people can get insulted when you don’t love their children as much as them!) I’d say cut her some slack, organise a visit after Christmas where you can sit down and talk it over properly. I think it’s fair enough to mention the cancellation last minute, but if she’s not interested in the family’s young children then that’s up to her