DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

But she already told you there was an issue, back in October. You wrote: "She replied with we will come up on the Monday before and leave on the Saturday, can book a hotel if you don’t have the space for us?"

You don't have space, but you decided they could just bed down in the dining room for the entire stay and announced it in the group chat only in the last two weeks. I'd be reluctant to come too knowing I was being shoved in a downstairs room on a blow up mattress.

15 children plus loads of adults!!
Sorry that sounds like mayhem
I wouldn't want to spend my Christmas like that and I have got children!!

Why should she 'think of her family'? Sounds like she's outgrown them, and good for her. OP and the others sound like crabs in a barrel and I doubt they'lll see much more of her. She wants a life that doesn't revolve around being a small town housewife. And gen Z has nothing to do with it, I am 42 so a geriatric Milleniall and I would be exactly the same. Fortunately, I don't have siblings and I also don't have close friends who have children because I don't like children. OP's daughter is probably the same.

Why didn't you offer the dining room to DS and let him say if there was a problem so you could then have consulted with DD and asked her if she'd swap?

She's there for five nights. How long is your DS there for? Surely the five nights guest trumps the one night guest?

Your DD sounds like my youngest Dsis (minus career in a big city). Your DD is being rude, but I have no advice or explanation why. In case of my Dsis, I think she feels too superior to the rest of her family so does not want to bother with us

It sounds like her childhood was overshadowed by her siblings, and she has very little in common with any of you. She’s found people that she wants to spend time with more than her family, and that’s ok. You can’t force her to have a relationship with her siblings, cousins, nephews etc- she’s an adult. Let her be happy otherwise you’ll push her away even more.

And this is the type of person who’ll wonder why their dc’s go completely NC 🙄

Do her siblings care about seeing her? OP’s daughter is not the one expecting someone else to put themselves out by traveling hours to spend a week on a fold out bed. She’s the one that’s expected to spend out on 8 kids ‘because she can afford it’ though.

She is the one that’s isn’t prepared to pander to and placate her family’s demands of her, and their feelings of entitlement to her money. Good for her.

DS is coming tomorrow morning and staying until Saturday, he often does this at Christmas, even though he only lives 20 minutes away.

Sounds to me like she’s had a lifetime of her family bringing her down at every opportunity (most likely through jealousy). I wouldn’t blame the DD if she never went back there again

My guess was Heysham..

That’s crazy! Why?

Is it so you run around after him and his family (and provide all food/drink etc) like a blue arsed fly whilst he puts his feet up?

It gets worse.

@Staringintothevoid616i get she doesn’t want to mix with loads of people and children ect, but to not buy her nieces and nephews presents is really not on in my book and sounds like she is also jealous of her siblings and children and their parents relationships, and that is my opinion.

Why on earth didn't you say to your son that he needed to stay at home so that your DD could have a room to sleep in?

Surely you can see why she might feel like you prioritise your other children, i.e. the ones with children, who have not pursued a life elsewhere?

If you wanted her/expected her to come for Christmas as much as you say, why not tell DS to not stay over at all – and give her and her DP the spare room? Why is he only 20 mins away getting preference over someone travelling five hours??

Okay. Now I think you must be on the wind up.
He lives 20 minutes away, makes a late decision and gets both bedrooms.
She lives a 5-6 hour train ride away and gets a fold up bed in the dining room.
Come on!

Because he wants to? His wife has a chronic illness so the holidays can be difficult and their eldest child is suspect ND. We are happy to give them a hand and take care of them over the holidays, it’s what our family does!

Why? It doesn't sound as if she wants a relationship with her nieces and nephews, and why should she? Just because people are related by blood doesn't meant that they have to be close.

She’s probably exhausted from working and doesn’t want to perform

She will be working very hard and long hours.

Christmas with her in-finance partner for 5 nights on a blow up bed amidst loads of kids sounds … not fun for her. In my independent London 20s I would have much preferred an adult Christmas with friends.

But would probably start refocusing on family in my 30s.

But it is sad she doesn’t come and see them at other less hectic times of the year.

Couldn’t you say that you had already told your daughter that there was room for her and let him travel for 20 mins.

WTF? He lives twenty mins away and takes up two rooms in your house?

That is so unfair on your daughter. Can you actually see this?

This.

You're basically punished for:
earning the most
working the hardest
moving away
not conforming to the family norm
not having children
wanting some peace and an actual bed
having holidays that you’ve trained for years and worked 14 hour days for

The child free and most financially secure will also eventually be expected to foot the bill for various things, do more elder care, and do all the travelling for all holidays.

I don’t go “home” for Christmas anymore. Being child free and having deviated from the norm of the family means I get the shittest bed and also get barren/think you’re too good for us/inverted snobbery nonsense.

I’ll enjoy my Christmases elsewhere thanks, far from people who mock me, think I’m the least important for not wanting kids, and for not wanting to live a small life in a small place. I don’t bother reiterating that I’m certainly not jealous anymore, me and DH will enjoy our lovely Christmas hike and fancy dinner out and cocktails with dear pals. No poo and puke, screaming, Bluey, tantrums or sleeping on a camp bed.

Im not the DD, but I’m in the same situation. I’m in my 40s now and the more I see of my family the more I’m overjoyed that I chose a different path.

Sounds like Golden Child syndrome.

Who’s betting OP runs round after them all and provides everything?

The dd has probably had it up to here with the whole palaver.

Your poor daughter. Good for her that she doesn't want to be a service human like her mother. No wonder you resent her, but luckily she sees through you. I don't even know her but I'm proud of her.