DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

And this!
And she may simply find it more enjoyable being with friends - more fun than being expected to play the doting aunt. She has to be able to make her own choices - though agree it would have been better if she could have let you know earlier.
It’s not worth you getting too resentful - hopefully you can still enjoy seeing the others in your family.

When your DD said she was coming home initially and asked if there was room or should she book a hotel, presumably you said there was room as you didn’t at that stage know your DS and his family were taking over the two guest-rooms. When you decided to relegate your DD and her partner to a fold out bed in a dining room room which would be used by others on Christmas Day, you should have phoned or sent a separate message (not on a chat group) to your DD explaining the change of plan and asked her if she was happy with that or would she prefer to book a hotel.

I think she just couldn’t face it. So many kids running around, the expectation to hit presents for at least 8 of them with whom she has no relationship. It sounds overwhelming.

it was rude to leave it so late but honestly I don’t think you’ve thought about what she’d like at all. (Yes fine stockings and some booze you got in) but the overall ambiance of the event is really child centred isn’t it?

Maybe she’d come on another occasion if you promised a proper bedroom and no visiting kids.

Also to add to this @calypsolypso , some of these responses are vile and you are not to blame, nor have you said anything wrong.

Somebody being this distant from their own family, for whatever reason, is pretty heartbreaking and imo wrong.

There’s nothing for her to get out of these relationships. She moved away from their northern town, went to university in London, secured an incredibly competitive training contract, qualified as a solicitor and is now working all hours in a high flying legal job earning probably in the region of £180,000.

What on earth could she have in common with sisters 5-10 years older than her who didn’t go to university, stayed local, have part time nursery/TA jobs rather than careers, don’t travel, started pumping out kids in their twenties, and whose lives revolve around their children?

She clearly has some shared interests with her brother - who is closer in age - and keeps up a relationship with him. But what would she and her sisters even talk about? They are living in different universes.

I dont think its the beds or the kids....shes basically decided shes a hot london lawyer and she can't possibly spend it with her poor siblings and their ridiculous amount of children - she's a snob

Did you bother reading?

She asked if there was room, or if she should book a hotel. OP told her in October there would be room, then 2 weeks ago, when it'll be impossible to book anywhere, she dropped in the family group chat (that she knows her daughter doesn't really participate in) that DS would now be in the spare room, and she and her BF would be getting the pull out in the dining room instead.

It has been weird to read this thread and see these scenarios from the outside. I feel very similar to OP's daughter but further down the line. I am having to learn to let go of any hope of a real relationship and accept we will never be close. My advice would be to try to get to know and accept the daughter you have, not who you expect her to be or what roles you want her to fulfil for your needs. Or she will make closer relationships with people she feels comfortable and like she can be herself with, and you will see less and less of her.

Yes, she will need that time to relax, I honestly don’t think you have a clue how stressful her job is. I can understand when she doesn’t want to spend precious time off on a camp bed surrounded by 15 screaming kids. I can really resonate with your DD, you’ve done nothing but belittle her on this thread, now she’s in the dining room on a camp bed. Your posts are a long list of her coming last, of making sure she never felt special and nothing she has done could ever be better than her sisters. She’s probably felt like an unappreciated outcast in her family for years. She’s probably picked London to get as far away as possible.

I suggest you invest time in getting to understand her life, like really understand it -invest time in understanding her, for her, not constantly comparing her to her siblings. She probably hates large families, maybe thinking she was disadvantaged coming from such a large family, hand me downs and being overshadowed, even now she doesn’t even warrant a proper bed with proper privacy, yet again her older sibling gets preferential treatment. It’s not on, I feel so much for your daughter, she must feel so alone, telling on many levels she’s dating an only child.

You haven’t answered any of the questions about politics OP.

That said, even if you aren’t reform voters I can understand why she’d want to swerve that many children. It sounds like a lot.

It sounds like it's 'all about the children' which is boring as hell to the adult child without children. You sound more bothered that she isn't spending money on her siblings sprogs (who she probably doesn't give a rap about) than being with her actual siblings. Do they bother with her now they have reproduced?
And the poor girl wouldn't even have a room or a proper bed - guess why? To accommodate the kids. I can see why she doesn't want to come.

It’s thoughtless and inconsiderate to cancel at the last minute.

But when I was in my child-free independent London life stage being cramm

Could her boyfriend be abusive?

Doesn't your son live locally?

I think you should have assumed that a young couple would want a measure of privacy over 5 nights.

I know you've written that the dining room will only be used for a buffet but frankly with 15 kids and nearly an equal number of adults coming and going I simply don't believe that you wont need the space in the dining room during the day.

And no matter how besotted in love I was at 26 I wouldn't have fancied that set up. If they were coming for a night it might have been manageable but 5 nights would leave them more exhausted than when they arrived.

Going forward, maybe during next year, have a chat with your DD and say that she’s more than welcome at Christmas but if she’d prefer, you’d love if she’d visit another weekend instead and you won’t invite every cousin and their children going, you will keep her visit low key and not have any large gathering of the clan.

Again you push the responsibility for your poor decision-making onto your daughter. You do not consider her at all and have no empathy for her.

Of course it’s rude to cancel at the last moment after accepting months ago just because she doesn’t fancy it. She’s 26 she should just use her words and say no thanks when you invite her if it’s not for her (which would be fine). I wouldn’t invite her again tbh. She sounds like someone that maybe thinks her family are beneath her now that she’s successful and living in a city (from you making the effort to go there, her not visiting you and her not congratulating her own sibling on the birth of a baby). Just keep lines of communication open and hope she realises a loving family is everything. I think she’s lucky none of her siblings have told her she’s rude if she never answers messages etc.

15 kids! Fuck that!

I think this is probably true, I have a similar aged Dd who is like this. She’s not here for Xmas, I barely hear from her unless she wants money. There’s been no falling out, I think she just finds us dull. Which is a shame.

You seem to be getting a lot of negativity and blame for her not wanting to come OP but frankly she sounds like a typical Gen Z. Selfish and entitled and not giving a hoot about anyone else. She doesn’t care about not seeing her siblings but has no thought or regard for whether they care or are hurt by her not returning home. Nor has she thought about any of the effort you have put into planning for her staying with you. I wouldn’t be pandering or placating her, I’d be letting her know shes being unfair and selfish and needs to think of her family this year.

Look, I’m entirely on the dd’s side here, but it’s batshit to pretend that she’s not on an incredibly high income. She’s at least an NQ, possibly PQE1-2. Post tax and student loans, she’ll still be netting at least £6k a month - that’s more than enough to comfortably split a one bedroom flat with a partner and have plenty leftover.

15 kids and a mattress on a dining room floor... Fuck that. How can you not see how unappealing this is?

I don’t think our exact politics vs DDs are relevant. We don’t really discuss politics and most would agree DD is more clued up politically than most of our family. Her partner also works in finance so we learnt quickly that discussing politics with them always turns into nitty gritty economics chats that we just don’t know anything about.

My best mate worked for a magic circle law firm, the hours were absolutely insane as a trainee. I think your DD did not fancy a child-dominated Christmas, which she did say, that coupled with her not having much in common with her siblings (possibly you also), means she’d rather chill in London. I’d just let her be, it’s ok to be disappointed.

Within an hour of Sellafield is my guess, I originally thought East Lancashire or one of the mill towns around Manchester.
It sounds awfy like South Cumbria where you're an offcomer unless you're 3rd generation to live there.