DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

So that’s the room the gc are in, not the one for golden balls son isn’t it?

Not necessarily.

Your DD doesn’t get the sense of ‘going home’ as she has never lived in your home, she would have to sleep on a fold out bed in your dining room which will be used by others during the day on Christmas Day. Possibly she only found out this yesterday as she hadn’t read all the WhatsApp messages until then. Her DP possibly then said, not sure I’m looking forward to this. No room to escape to, a house-full of young children. Knowing there will be an air of disappointment when presents aren’t produced for everyone. Five days of listening to local gossip and news, knowing well no-one will bother asking about her life or showing any interest. You’ve two spare rooms, one should have been given to your DD and her partner and the other to your DS and his family.

The change in sleeping arrangements is the reason she and her partner can't face coming. It may be more her partner cannot face rather than her but that's your reason.

Son announces he IS coming 2 weeks prior (why did he not know what he was doing in October?) so he automatically gets the spare room as he has 2 kids who go in the box room.
But it's now too late to book a nearby hotel and they just can't face it.
My son worked for a US law firm some years ago and I remember how shocked he was at the intensity of it, the hours and, when you got time off, it was precious.

Being with family is nice but having to hoover the floor every night (because it's where all the food is laid out every day) before you fold down the sofa bed (never that comfortable) for 6 days just sounds grim to me.
If she had had the spare room would she have come? That's the question I have.

It seems that the OP didn't even contact her daughter directly to tell her she'd be on the fold up bed in the dining room. She hasn't confirmed that she did, or when her daughter had that information other than on the group chat. I think that's pretty shabby treatment.

@calypsolypso I think you are getting a really hard time on here. ‘It’s odd only one of your children went to uni’ ‘she needed your support’ ‘she is suffering a pregnancy loss’

Sometimes it really is as simple as people/ children can be selfish. She should have let you know. She should make more effort- you only get out of relationships what you put in. It’s not ok to absent yourself for years without a massive backstory and perhaps its just as complicated as she had a better offer or can’t be bothered.

I am sorry you feel hurt. I would too. I have multiple children. They haven’t all been to uni (shock horror) I have slept on a sofa to accommodate a visit. That’s life.

I hope you have a good break regardless.

I’ve often wondered how my toxic mother in law would talk about why my husband, her son, doesn’t go home for Christmas anymore. And I think this thread sums it up! He is very different from his family, first to uni, high achieving job, moved to London. We are constantly belittled and put down in passive aggressive ways, and his siblings always prioritised (like the favourable room situation) - to the point we are very low contact, have even considered estrangement (at times when this criticism, guilt tripping about family obligations etc continued rather than support through very difficult times for us and our children). His brother lives locally & is much more aligned to how his parents live - so not only is he the golden child, they spend so much time together and simply get on better, whereas my husbands relationship has eroded. That also means it’s not fun being in big family gatherings as we feel so on the sidelines - we understand why, they all like each other better & see each other more - but we choose not to put ourselves in that situation if we can avoid it. SO my advice is - if you want a relationship with your daughter - spend time with her, value her for her own unique differences, don’t compare her, don’t place obligations on her for how her relationships need to be with siblings or nieces etc. celebrate her & her job, her life, her boyfriend - try to enjoy stepping into her life and get to know her, really know her. There lies a relationship of love if you can start to see and meet her where she is at - not try to squash her into the family mould, she’s moved on - it didn’t work for her. If you really want her to come up and stay next time/ ask her what arrangements will work for her & stick to it (own bedroom/proper bed or local hotel). But maybe stop pushing the big family Xmas - say you’d like quality time with her, and her partner, outside the big celebrations. If my husbands family did that, he’d be so happy - any requests for quality time always slip down their priorities below preferred son.

When we get to 4 littles combined (2 are mine) I think some of the adults deserve a break - let alone 8-12! And why didn’t you say she wouldn’t have a bedroom when she asked about a hotel? She’s clearly least important and needs a spot to hide from the chaos.

Apologize and ask if she can come up another weekend and offer to pay for a hotel room if she’s willing to reconsider

🙄

Now, having read the OP's threads I think OP is highly unreasonable. She shouldn't shove the daughter and partner in the dining room, the kids should get the uncomfortable room unless they are literal babies.

Why can't the OP and her husband sleep on the fold out bed in the dining room?

That’s incredibly unreasonable!

DH has an awful back, we have a specific mattress that mitigates this.
If DD told us there was an issue with the rooms we’d ask DS to sleep downstairs.

I just caught up on this thread. So now this hard-working young woman is expected to use up her precious annual leave to sleep on a horrid pull-out bed in the dining room, with no privacy, no peace with 8-15 little kids running around screaming, bored off her bin with baby-talk, whilst the adult family insinuate that she’s up herself for being educated and affluent, with a mother who thinks the only thing a woman is good for is breeding and despises her for not having done so and gone and got a life beyond proletarian domesticity instead. What is actually wrong with you OP?? She would be insane to go near you and I admire her for setting boundaries so young. You sound toxic af.

"Works for an American law firm" in London doesn't necessarily mean she has a huge disposable income; she's only 26! She'll have London rent, council tax, student loan repayments (unlike her siblings) everything from a haircut to a cinema ticket just costs so much more in London, plus the cost of bus/tubes because she won't be driving to work there. Being expected to pay a couple of hundred quid to buy presents for 8 extra people (in whom she actually has very little interest) might actually be a stretch. We can't know either way, but shouldn't assume.

From all the replies here at all, can you not pick out anything that might excuse your daughter at all?

You need to stop assuming that she will always put herself last. You should have assumed that your DS would sleep in with the kids, he chose to have them, others shouldn't be made uncomfortable because of his life choices. If II was your daughter I wouldn't be rushing home either. This may be hard for you to hear, but some people just really, really don't like being around children. The noise they make, the mess, and the way adults have to always pander to them is highly annoying for some people.

Hear hear!

OP. If the fold out bed in the dining room is so desirable, why aren't you and your husband taking it? The whole set-up sounds horrendous. Hordes of shrieking kids who the DD is expected to coo over and buy presents for, and adults whose only topic of conversation revolves around the hordes of shrieking kids. I agree that the DD should have given more notice, but I also think that she didn't want to disappoint you. However when push came to shove, she just couldn't face the horror and boredom of it all

My gut feel about this is she has outgrown the north west - she's used to hanging around affluent, childless friends - shes in the stage of life where shes earning loads of money and used to spending it on herself, doing what she wants when she wants.

Her family's life and lifestyle is worlds apart now and shes selfishly thinking about what she'd most enjoy on Christmas day rather than what is the right thing.

Not saying this is right, but my observation. All these questions about where she's sleeping, why shes expected to buy for 8 kids etc etc, I dont think play into it.

I've seen this happen with a few people in my sleepy town who've moved out to London or overseas for careers etc and never looked back

Everyone moaning at OP for bed in dining room - if DD is so well off, why doesnt she stay in a local hotel for 4 nights?! Then she can come over at 10am and leave at 4pm every day if she really wanted to. It gives the couple some space. She can obviously afford it!

No wonder she doesn't want to come. Sleeping in the dining room with no privacy and little kids wandering around at the crack of dawn!

Also when you say her significant life events were overshadowed by siblings 'bigger' life events, do you mean the siblings weddings and babies? Because if so then you obviously place more importance on weddings and kids than career success and that probably makes her think you value her less.

Can you maybe accept that not everyone thinks that way and a lot of people think there's more to life than having kids.

Because they don't REALLY want her there it's just for the show and so they can milk her for gifts

yeah but you don't know what the future will bring, that's my point.
Most people's relationship with their siblings/parents change as they get older - some for better, some for worse.

I fought all the time with my siblings when we lived together but get on much better now. There were points where if you'd told me I'd never see my sibling again I'd have said 'good!' - now that would be devastating! I have friends who started spending more time together with their siblings because they wanted their DC to know their cousins, and now get on better than ever. Other friends have spoken about how they were really grateful to have someone to share the load when their parents got older, (or the converse, wishing they had someone to help). My dad was never particularly close with his brother but since their parents passed away has really appreciated still having one family member to keep in touch and reminisce with.

She might feel she doesn't need her family now, but she doesn't know how she'll feel in the future. An 10 year age gap isn't as big a deal when you're 74 and 84 as when you're 26 and 36.

She has been really rude to cancel at the last minute and you have every right to be upset and disappointed OP! However, I get the vibe from her messages that she perhaps feels like everything is now about her siblings and their kids and she has been somewhat pushed out of things as she does not have children yet? It must be difficult for her that the dynamics have shifted so much and maybe she feels like all of your attention is now on your grandkids and the festive period is now all about those new families. I can understand how it might be a bit tedious for a 26 year old to spend Christmas with lots of children and be expected to be a doting auntie etc. Do her siblings/ cousins/ express interest in her life too? Do you think she knows that you value her achievements and lifestyle as much as her siblings? Sometimes it feels like we celebrate getting married/ having kids far more than other lifestyles which are just as valuable and this can be difficult within a family.
I think you should tell her you are disappointed but make plans to do something with her/ and partner after Xmas and spend some quality time without the focus being on her siblings. Xx