DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

Initially i thought the DD was unreasonable but having read the whole thread i have totally changed my mine and i feel really sorry for your DD @calypsolypso
You constantly belittle her, downplay her massive achievements and like someone else said revel in the reverse snobbery not uncommon in northern working class areas, equating the work of a TA ( part time hours) to that of someone who has secured a contract in London law firm and probably works 3 or 4 x the hours weekly of her siblings. And the pull out bed is just a piss take.
Will not be surprised if you return In 10 years time telling us you are totally estranged from your poor DD.

It will be sad and disappointing that she isn't interested in big family get togethers. Maybe tone it down one year and just have her and bf and give them an actual room to sleep in then have a do on Boxing Day for everyone?

She is avoiding it granted but it does seem a bit full on and who earth wants to sleep in a dining room .

Sounds like the DD only cancelled at the last minute because she wasn’t aware her and her boyfriend had been demoted to 5 nights on a camp bed in the dining room.

Gosh OP. What a mess.

It is rude that she pulled out so late. But you didn't tell her she was sleeping in the dining room on a pull out bed. There are due to be 15 children plus 16? adults if everyone has partners in a 3 bedroom, plus them. I feel exhausted just thinking about that.

If I had had a mental time at work (as I suspect she will have) and then discovered a couple of days before Christmas (maybe this weekend when she finally caught up with the group chat having finally closed whatever deals she's working on - aware I'm making assumptions here!) that I was going to be stuck on a sofa bed when I had offered to book a hotel months ago, and when there were going to be 32 different people there and I was supposed to have bought 8 nieces and nephews presents, I would have honestly wanted to cry. In this situation the brother could have come from his home, and you could have said "sorry, your sister has got the spare room, we committed months ago" but instead has been prioritised over her.

Again, I am inferring here, but in that situation I would have panicked for a couple of days before finally deciding I really couldn't face using my Christmas break to get more exhausted rather than less exhausted, and then decided not to come home. Obviously we don't know if that's what she's done, but the posts I'm reading make me quite sad. It's like you think less of her (or maybe you think she thinks less of you?) because she went to uni and now has a "big job"?

The only thing I would add is I was the only one in my family to go and get a "big job". I'm still close to my parents but my mother cannot understand why I would want a promotion and why I haven't prioritised getting married and having babies more. She's not horrid about it and she pretty much manages to keep it in her brain and not say anything, but it's a funny situation where it feels like your parents think you have made the "wrong choice", for want of a better description. Do you feel like your daughter has made the wrong choice, or maybe just wish she'd felt like making different choices, and is it possible she has sensed that?

Yet mumsnet is always telling people to stand up fir themselves and not do things they dont want to do.
She dosent want to come end of.

Op does she want to come another time?

After reading the update about the pull out bed in the dining room surrounded by a tribe of young kids I am not surprised the OP’s DD said fuck that.

Depending on her practice group she could be staffed on deals that need to close before year end. Also if she’s close to her annual billable hours target she might be trying to get some more hours in to hit her bonus (which is significant so well worth the effort if she’s close).

Edit: I’m not saying it’s valid to treat you this way or excusing her comments, but there is a lot of pressure especially at the end of the year.

She looks quite different from her siblings (although they share the same parents) she is taller, different hair and eye colour and was always told she was the pretty one by strangers. She was also the sportiest, and did the best at school so I think there is an element of her thinking she is better than the rest of the family

Christ, I missed this bit.

Who the hell talks like that about their own daughter? You should be proud of her for having a bit of ambition and making something of herself despite her upbringing.

Your jealousy and resentment shows here.

There’s absolutely no way I would feel guilty about pulling out of a family event 6 hours away with 15 children present with a family who resents my success and who have made absolutely no effort on my behalf.

a pull out bed in the dining room. No thanks. I bet if she booked a nearby hotel room you’d all have been bitching about her spending the money. “Thinks she’s too good to stay with us”.

your family sounds pretty awful. She’s well off out of it

Obviously it is rude to cancel at the last minute but I would want to try to find out if there is something underlying.
She has been away for a long enough time to have changed and will have little in common with family and friends who haven’t, added to that you have a large close knit family who see each other frequently and are involved in each others lives. She may feel out of step, isolated and possibly that her siblings aren’t really interested in her.
She is in a very demanding career and stage of life and may value down time. American firms are not usually generous with AL. She may have, in getting to know herself as an adult, realised that she has some form of neurodiversity and finds the idea of a busy crowded house overwhelming.
Prioritise keeping lines of communication open between you and her, accept who she is and try not to simply see her as different from the rest of the tribe.

You still haven't answered the question. When did you tell your daughter she wasn't getting a bedroom? Also interesting that sleeping arrangements for your daughter who was definitely staying, were dependent on whether or not your undecided visitor was coming and taking BOTH bedrooms.

Why can't the kids sleep in the dining room?! Why do an adult couple have to have zero privacy or anywhere to escape to

Imagine choosing friends over direct family (mum, dad and siblings)

I am not close to my siblings and their children. Certainly not interested in my cousin's children but I haven't seen my cousin in 20 years. I don't really enjoy a family Christmas.

Before I had my own children I also had little experience of them and didn't really enjoy being around them. My attitude only changed in my 30s.

However, I think it's super rude to cancel at the last minute outside of emergency / illness. Your DD should have stuck to her commitment to Christmas at yours imo.

I really do hope this is a wind up thread. Imagine having a mother who hates you and belittles you as much as @calypsolypso 😬😬

I do this all day every day and feel zero guilt or shame. 🤷‍♀️

You obviously have no experience of toxic family members.

I know plenty of people including myself who’d rather spend Christmas with friends rather than family.

Friends are the family we choose after all!

OK I have to backtrack a bit due to bed in dining room. This is horrible for a young couple without children. They will have no privacy and the kids will wake them up early. No way I would even do that with kids. I need to be able to close a door to have some calm or I would go nuts with all people around.

Still think she's stingy to not get the kids gifts. If she gets them 20£ gifts each that's 160£ for 8 children. Nothing for a lawyer in an American firm.

This is definitely a Christmas wind up. It’s like a hallmark Christmas movie

Also thinking that 'a pull out in the diningroom' with an enormous family, many of whom you've presumably never met might not sound that welcoming from the BF perspective. Could that be part of it? I certainly wouldn't fancy the best part of a week 'camping' in a chaotic house with nowhere to hide and where I probably don't know that many of the people / don't know them well!

She’s a grown woman who is obviously at a different stage of life to her siblings and cousins. Although it is off that she cancelled last minute it sounds like there is a lot of pressure and expectation on her. To be honest when I was in my 20s and living in London, spending Christmas with a load of children would have been my idea of hell.

The inverse snobbery doesn't even relate to being a high earner. Its enough to just make the decision not to stay local.

I grew up in a village and I've been told many times about 'other people' who live abroad or in the capital who have changed their accents.

Its perfectly normal to neutralise your accent.
Its perfectly normal not to want to live in the same small town for your entire life. Its perfectly normal to have interests that aren't available where you grew up.
Its perfectly normal not to conform in the traditonal sense.
Its perfectly normal not to send your kids to the same school you went to yoursefl.

I've heard snide remarks. I've been told how they pity me and my kids for growing up in a city. I have never said what I'd like to say back to them that I want something different, that my kids would be bored stupid living in the area I grew up in because unless you exclaim how lucky they are to have all that 'space' then you are seen to be looking down at them. However it is apparently absolutely acceptable for them to look down on you for not wanting the same things.

Imagine telling your daughter that she's sleeping in the dining room because at the last minute her brother decided to stay.

Can someone tell me how many people in total ( adults plus children) will be in the house together when everyone is there?
What size of house is it?

The dining room is totally separate to any other rooms, there is no reason they would have to wake up early, or be disturbed.