DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

Im sure it was over 20 with 15 of them being children.

Can you take her earnings out of it.

Why would anyone have to spend time and money sorting out gifts for an ever increasing number of kids. Do all the kids get something for their 'aunt'? I very much doubt it.

its madness.

Tbf she's probably sad because her daughter so obviously does not want to spend time with her/family. This is not only a christmas thing because she is stand offish year round. @calypsolypso Can you talk to her after christmas and ask if there is something wrong and if you are doing something wrong? Calmly, just say you would like to be closer to her and say you're willing to work on whatever issue she might have with you. Then do it.

Most people won't have to imagine. It's called being normal.

So you won’t be using the dining room for its purpose at all @calypsolypso ?
why do you dislike her so much?

Rude to cancel at the last minute but she is obviously not interested in what seems a very child centric Christmas

Maybe she could stop treating her so poorly then?

They were staying with us, we were planning on them sleeping in the dining room on the fold out bed

Well, that was quite the late drip feed. No wonder she's staying home. I take back that she was rude refusing to come late. You changed the sleeping arrangements to something really uncomfortable and unpleasant. I wouldn't go to yours either.

You've enabled your other kids and their kids to push her out. She isn't welcome in your home, you've made that really clear.

I hope she finds other family that treats her better than you do and values her for herself.

But it’s not a space of their own where they can unpack & retreat to during the day if they want some quiet.

Other than on Christmas Day, no. We have a table in the kitchen and a large conservatory we generally use for most of Christmas dinner but set the buffet up in the dining room.

She should have said no.

Why are you giving your son and family who you said live locally a bed over her? @calypsolypso

No. Because if she was struggling then it would be understandable not getting gifts for the children. I always managed to get small gifts even when I was struggling. If she doesn't want to come that's fine but I do find it rude not to send gifts to children when you are the wealthiest person in the family.

So she was planning to stay almost a week - with you ? Mon to sat is a long time

how far away is she ?

she doesn’t sound if she even likes her siblings - to ignore a group chat and saying congrats 2w later for a new baby is pretty crap

DD wouldn’t want to sleep in the room with bunk beds, they are shorty bunk beds and DD is 5’10 and her partner is about 6’3 so they wouldn’t fit.
DS’s youngest child is only 2 so we figured he and his wife would want to be on the same floor as their children.

It's very strange that she shows no interest in her nieces and nephews. My first niece was born when I was around her age, and I was so excited. She clearly feels quite alienated from her family, which is pretty sad. Not surprised she has pulled out of Christmas.

I have a friend who is like this with his family (i.e. has no interest in them/borderline hates them) and he has really chronic depression.

I think there's more going on here than meets the eye.

Does Mumsnet use AI to produce the most obnoxious posts?!

The dining room has a door?! Ooo how fancy, the lady does do her daughter such a service.

You're the problem. Self reflect before you never see her again.

Nobody would expect a young couple to choose a pull out bed in the dining room for 5 nights. No privacy, nowhere to leave your stuff, woken up early, sleeping where you (and everyone else) eats etc.
And that’s before factoring in the 15 small children/babies and their parents and grandparents.

It’s not strange. She isn’t close to her siblings and doesn’t like children. Why is this so hard to understand for some people?

So They'll still have to pack up their stuff, despite staying a week, so you can serve your buffet in their bedroom

This is just one massive 'fuck you' to your youngest.

Come on, be honest, you just plain don't like her, or value her do you?

And she expected her to find out from the group chat.

Absolutely.

And any normal mother would punish herself by not going to visit her own child! Parent miss their adult kids more than the other way around, and that's how it should be.

If a parent stops their visit as a "punishment", there's something seriously wrong in their relationship.

If you looked up ‘internalised misogyny’ in the dictionary.

Not all siblings end up with much in common as adults. Mine are nice enough people but we live in different places and don't see each other from one Christmas to the next. My mother finds it unfathomable that there are friends in my life who know me better, have stepped up more readily and who ultimately mean more to me but there it is. It seems like your daughter could feel similarly.

When my siblings were deep in the little kids at Christmas phase and I had none of my own, I minimised my participation a bit and spent more time with friends. A big gathering that is inevitably very focused on other people's kids just isn't that enjoyable for many people in the pre-kids stage of life. She deserves to have an enjoyable christmas just as much as the toddlers, young parents and you. Also I think the degree to which you engage as an aunt / uncle is up to each individual. It's not like parenthood where a minimum standard is required. Despite all that, I do agree that the last minute cancellation is poor form.

Why didn't you give your daughter and her partner a room where they could retreat to when they want peace and quiet. Where they can put their luggage for the duration of their stay? Where they can have early nights and late mornings if they want to without fear of any kids or adutls ever entering?