Page 27 | DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

calypsolypso · 2025-12-22T16:46:24+00:00

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London. Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children. Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no. AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

Querty123456 · 22/12/2025 20:26

Poor girl, I don’t blame her at all. Be kind to her and proud of all she has achieved and see her where she feels comfortable to improve your relationship with her.

Crushed23 · 22/12/2025 20:26

Dontgochasingrainbows · 22/12/2025 20:17

I was thinking the same. I admire her for putting her foot down and saying no thanks to this madness.

Her value in her independence is keeping her sane and mentally strong.

You've raised a strong woman OP. You should be full of admiration for her.,

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100%.

FinallyHere · 22/12/2025 20:26

yup I had the whole ‘bringing a partner and still not allocated a double bed’ lark.

OneKeenPeachRaven · 22/12/2025 20:28

Cancelling at the last minute is rude, but perhaps the reality of a noisy, child-centric Christmas in a full house with folks who are all local and with whom she doesn't seem to have much in common hit her.

Being at the start of a corporate law career in London is an incredibly stressful job & most firms have a long hours culture. I can well understand why someone in that culture & without children would want a chilled, adult-focussed holiday period. Maybe she finds that difficult to articulate? Or she thought she could suck it up for a year and then realised she couldn't.

It sounds like she and her siblings are at very different life stages as well as having very different lifestyles. None is better or worse, but just because you are family doesn't mean you are people who'd naturally gravitate towards each other socially.

It doesn't excuse the rudeness. What does surprise is that she suggested 5 days. I can suck up visits with family who are wildly different from me on short term basis, but I simply wouldn't commit to 5 days without a proper bedroom and with squads of people popping in and out. She should've probably reduced the proposed visit or chosen a nearby hotel where she and her partner could retreat from the chaos as required.

SillyNavyTiger · 22/12/2025 20:29

User7854653 · 22/12/2025 20:14

Here's a theory nobody posted yet but which is extremely common: She is simply jealous of the attention that children receive at Christmas. By proxy, she also hates the attention that the mothers will get because they have attained the social "achievement" of having children.

This is entirely unrelated to a desire to have children themselves or infertility struggles. It's often felt by young women who dislike the social hierarchy of mothers and children being celebrated more than all the achievements of childfree women. It can be compounded by not feeling ready for children themselves, a strong sense of justice, sensitivity to criticism and narcissistic tendencies.

For many of these women, seeing children triggers a sense of inferiority, shame, jealousy and anger. It's more about the distribution of attention from OTHERS, rather than a personal desire to have children. These women are triggered by the fact children soak up all the attention during family gatherings without having "achieved" anything so to speak. Even worse is that they are expected to come with gifts and adoration for the kids and mums. It's slightly irrational and pretty toxic but many women think like this.

the ONLY people who come up with this kind of nonsense are women who have no life, no achievement and live through heir children because they have achieved nothing by themselves 😂

And I say that as a mother myself, who has children.

For many of these women, seeing children triggers a sense of inferiority, shame, jealousy and anger.

the only one who seem to have a terrible sense of inferiority, shame, jealousy and anger here is YOU.😂 Did you have your children far too young or something?

NotThisAgain1987 · 22/12/2025 20:29

calypsolypso · 22/12/2025 17:19

I also don’t believe there is any anxiety at play, she’s forever out clubbing and partying, has lots of friends and a very busy social life.
From other friends who have had children move to London it seems quite common for them to stay in the young child free phase much longer than they would at home.

Anxiety isn't just staying in all the time staring at the walls. I imagine she's got anxiety related to the family and as you've explained how different she is and her not wanting to know cousins kids (which is perfectly normal that's getting into distant relative territory) and nieces and nephews and the underlying judgment you have of that, would you want to spend Christmas or in fact any day with someone who judged you and your choices? And in screaming kids for some it really would be sensory hell.

Should she have told you earlier? Probably but given the lack of self reflection you've shown on this post I suspect you aren't the easiest to talk to about anything including anxieties.

Dollybantree · 22/12/2025 20:30

KabukiNoh · 22/12/2025 20:18

@Dollybantree I don’t think there should be any explicit consequences in the way you might punish a child. Just that there is no downside to her for her choices. OP can decide if she wants to keep travelling down to London several times a year.

Edited

Only a shit mother would “punish” her child by not visiting her bc she didn’t want to spend a noisy, chaotic Christmas in the vein the OP has described (on a camp bed in the dining room no less) and has chosen to have the Christmas she prefers.

Presumably OP doesn’t mind the nice trip to London, staying in a comfy hotel and probably going to see a show or whatever.

Thers really no comparison and I could never think in such arbitrary terms about my own child.

OP is 100% in the wrong here. The only mistake the dd made was not being upfront in the first place and trying to appease her dm - but I’m guessing she doesn’t want to be honest and hurt anyone’s feelings.

MaloryJones · 22/12/2025 20:30

Your DD's points, most of which appear valid imo , are on the whole okay(ish) I would say
To cancel so last minute though really isn't on and I would be quite upset and probably a bit angry at that part .

Vse500 · 22/12/2025 20:31

vanillalattes · 22/12/2025 17:16

Do hers siblings make any effort to visit her, or is it only the childfree family member who's expected to do all the work?

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This. How many times have they bothered to visit her in the last year. Would love to hear her side of the story.

diddl · 22/12/2025 20:31

So did she initially think that her brother, his wife & kids wouldn't be staying over so she would have a few days alone with her parents before everyone descended for CD & BD?

But then brother decided he would stay & for as long as her so not only would there be no peaceful time with her mum & dad but also nowhere to sleep?

mellicauli · 22/12/2025 20:32

I worked in London when I was 26. December was crazy. So many parties, so many things going on, late nights, alcohol etc, work was really very demanding all the while too. By the big day came came I was always exhausted, often got ill, and I certainly wouldn't have wanted was to endure a load of noisy kids for a few days. I would have needed downtime and relaxation before the stress of work in January comes again.

Soyou don't know what stresses she's under. I am sure she's not doing it to upset you. She's probably just taking what she needs to live the life she leads.

Can you suggest she comes down/up in the New Year for a relaxing meal just to see you and your husband?

EmpressaurusKitty · 22/12/2025 20:33

MaloryJones · 22/12/2025 20:30

Your DD's points, most of which appear valid imo , are on the whole okay(ish) I would say
To cancel so last minute though really isn't on and I would be quite upset and probably a bit angry at that part .

Yes, but it sounds as if she cancelled when she realised she was going to have to sleep in the dining room. Which makes her behaviour much more reasonable.

Crikeyalmighty · 22/12/2025 20:33

Staringintothevoid616 · 22/12/2025 20:20

I actually think she sounds very jealous of her own daughter. I wonder if there’s a history of the OP making it clear that she’s “no better” than her siblings to the point of running down all her achievement's. From what I’ve heard, I’m not surprised the daughter hasn’t gone back. I am in a similar position, all the snide
little digs, the constant comments, it’s emotionally abusive - ended up with years of therapy glad the DD is drawing boundaries. It seems the OP fancies herself as a patriarch of a close knit family like an episode of bread. I suspect the DD hated growing up in a large family and made herself an alternative family of people she chose, like her, I suspect she always felt she didn’t below in this family

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I’m originally from a midlands mining town and if I go back which is very rarely I hear and feel the vibes and snide comments relating to ‘anyone’ who dared ‘get on and escape’ - it’s like inverse snobbery and certain politics thrives on it too - I do wonder if there is an element of this going on here, may not be siblings , but it can be partners etc making ‘comments’ and it’s really unpleasant chip on the shoulder stuff ‘when’ it does happen - don’t get me wrong I really don’t like people flaunting it if they’ve got more prestigious jobs/houses etc - but often it’s not that and it comes out of nowhere. I would arrange if you can to go down and have a night in London and meet up there on your own and have a nice day or evening - just the 2 of you .

Stompingupthemountain · 22/12/2025 20:33

User7854653 · 22/12/2025 20:14

Here's a theory nobody posted yet but which is extremely common: She is simply jealous of the attention that children receive at Christmas. By proxy, she also hates the attention that the mothers will get because they have attained the social "achievement" of having children.

This is entirely unrelated to a desire to have children themselves or infertility struggles. It's often felt by young women who dislike the social hierarchy of mothers and children being celebrated more than all the achievements of childfree women. It can be compounded by not feeling ready for children themselves, a strong sense of justice, sensitivity to criticism and narcissistic tendencies.

For many of these women, seeing children triggers a sense of inferiority, shame, jealousy and anger. It's more about the distribution of attention from OTHERS, rather than a personal desire to have children. These women are triggered by the fact children soak up all the attention during family gatherings without having "achieved" anything so to speak. Even worse is that they are expected to come with gifts and adoration for the kids and mums. It's slightly irrational and pretty toxic but many women think like this.

That is such a reach you could touch the moon with it. It isn’t narcissistic or suggestive of insecurity to not like or want children.

NotThisAgain1987 · 22/12/2025 20:33

calypsolypso · 22/12/2025 17:47

I don’t think she was ever spoiled. As the youngest she almost always got hand me downs, a lot of her big life events were overshadowed by an older siblings/cousins “bigger” life event. We tried to balance it but she certainly wasn’t spoiled.
She looks quite different from her siblings (although they share the same parents) she is taller, different hair and eye colour and was always told she was the pretty one by strangers. She was also the sportiest, and did the best at school so I think there is an element of her thinking she is better than the rest of the family.

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Oft just read this. Nah you're the problem here you sound jealous and bitter. Do her a favour and don't invite her again and please don't visit London again we don't need women jealous of their own kids here

Neverflyingagain · 22/12/2025 20:33

I think your expectations of your London daughter are unrealistic, given she has followed a very different life path to her siblings.
If you lay down the law to her about things as you've suggested here e.g. I expect her to buy for 8 nieces/nephews, I expect her to interact... then I think she probably has gone low contact with you. You also sound resentful that you've been to London to her and incurred all the expense.
It probably comes over that you are still treating her as a child rather than a grown woman with her own life etc etc.
Tread carefully in how you interact and in the expectations that you have of her.

MrsLizzieDarcy · 22/12/2025 20:34

Your updates have made me feel abit sad for your DD, to be honest.

Why not scale things back next year and make it a quieter Christmas so she can come home and take part? And encourage her booking an Airbnb or hotel close by so she has a decent bed and somewhere quiet to take refuge in when she needs to. And drop your expectations about presenting buying - she barely knows these kids.

MrsKeats · 22/12/2025 20:34

That’s incredibly rude and self-centered of her.

LadyBlakeneysHanky · 22/12/2025 20:34

User7854653 · 22/12/2025 20:14

Here's a theory nobody posted yet but which is extremely common: She is simply jealous of the attention that children receive at Christmas. By proxy, she also hates the attention that the mothers will get because they have attained the social "achievement" of having children.

This is entirely unrelated to a desire to have children themselves or infertility struggles. It's often felt by young women who dislike the social hierarchy of mothers and children being celebrated more than all the achievements of childfree women. It can be compounded by not feeling ready for children themselves, a strong sense of justice, sensitivity to criticism and narcissistic tendencies.

For many of these women, seeing children triggers a sense of inferiority, shame, jealousy and anger. It's more about the distribution of attention from OTHERS, rather than a personal desire to have children. These women are triggered by the fact children soak up all the attention during family gatherings without having "achieved" anything so to speak. Even worse is that they are expected to come with gifts and adoration for the kids and mums. It's slightly irrational and pretty toxic but many women think like this.

Oh yes, any working woman who wouldn’t want to spend a week of her annual leave travelling for 6 hours, to spend 5 nights on a pull-out bed in a dining room, living out of a suitcase, surrounded by large numbers of shrieking over-excited children who are strangers to her, & adults completely uninterested in her, is ‘jealous’ and suffering from inferiority, shame and anger.

2025, and the shaming of women’s choices, when those choices take us away from children in favour of comfort, independence & freedom, continues apace .

Power26 · 22/12/2025 20:34

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Duechristmas · 22/12/2025 20:35

calypsolypso · 22/12/2025 17:00

I don’t believe this is the case at all. She’s been anti-children since her first niece was born and she was only 20 then and not in a position to be even considering children.

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Did she have her nose put out of joint that she was no longer the baby? It sounds like the issues run deeper than just having her own life elsewhere.
What are the distances/travel times we're talking about?
I'd be really hurt/sad in your position.

ThatLemonBear · 22/12/2025 20:35

Apart from her last minute cancellation, she should have given more notice, I am team DD all the way

Cupboarddoorknob · 22/12/2025 20:35

I don’t think she has handled this well but I can totally see why she doesn’t want to come with the current set up, she will have no space of her own, the house will be hectic, no doubt she will have to sort out the dining room every day so it can be used and it will not be restful for her.
Frankly what any young professional in a stressful job with no children and a new partner wants in their rare days off whilst they build a career is a comfy bed, peace, decent food and probably some decent time with their partner.
I think she is still navigating how to live her life as an adult in a different environment to the one she was raised in. I have been there. It took me years to know where my boundaries were.
In her situation I’d have booked a hotel for three nights far in advance. Perhaps in the new year you can have a chat about why it wasn’t appropriate to leave it until the last minute but you understand why the proposed set up wasn’t going to work for her and what could be done differently if she wants to see fam over Xmas in future.

Elle771 · 22/12/2025 20:36

I think you have your answers tbh... spending nearly a week of holiday sleeping in dining room, expected to buy for EIGHT kids and have basically no privacy or down time for a week then straight back to work...after 5hr train ride each way too

I love my family and am older but no thanks to all the above!!!

Dontgochasingrainbows · 22/12/2025 20:36

Dollybantree · 22/12/2025 20:30

Only a shit mother would “punish” her child by not visiting her bc she didn’t want to spend a noisy, chaotic Christmas in the vein the OP has described (on a camp bed in the dining room no less) and has chosen to have the Christmas she prefers.

Presumably OP doesn’t mind the nice trip to London, staying in a comfy hotel and probably going to see a show or whatever.

Thers really no comparison and I could never think in such arbitrary terms about my own child.

OP is 100% in the wrong here. The only mistake the dd made was not being upfront in the first place and trying to appease her dm - but I’m guessing she doesn’t want to be honest and hurt anyone’s feelings.

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This 100%.