Page 26 | DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

calypsolypso · 2025-12-22T16:46:24+00:00

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London. Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children. Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no. AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

BettysRoasties · 22/12/2025 20:17

User7854653 · 22/12/2025 20:14

Here's a theory nobody posted yet but which is extremely common: She is simply jealous of the attention that children receive at Christmas. By proxy, she also hates the attention that the mothers will get because they have attained the social "achievement" of having children.

This is entirely unrelated to a desire to have children themselves or infertility struggles. It's often felt by young women who dislike the social hierarchy of mothers and children being celebrated more than all the achievements of childfree women. It can be compounded by not feeling ready for children themselves, a strong sense of justice, sensitivity to criticism and narcissistic tendencies.

For many of these women, seeing children triggers a sense of inferiority, shame, jealousy and anger. It's more about the distribution of attention from OTHERS, rather than a personal desire to have children. These women are triggered by the fact children soak up all the attention during family gatherings without having "achieved" anything so to speak. Even worse is that they are expected to come with gifts and adoration for the kids and mums. It's slightly irrational and pretty toxic but many women think like this.

I don’t think it’s that’s deep.

She’s just fed up of always being pushed out for her siblings. Always the hands me downs, always over shadowed. Everything’s always about the children. Then she doesn’t even get an actual bedroom because another sibling has taken it when she offered to book her own hotel 2 months ago and was told no.

When she does cancel and offer to send her mum and dads gift op starts yet again banging on about the grandchildren.

Op bizarrely also seems almost prouder of her children who have stayed home and made babies than the one who put herself though uni and now works for an American law firm busting her ass.

Radionowhere · 22/12/2025 20:17

Your version of Christmas sounds lovely if you like that sort of thing. I would not. Your daughter obviously doesn't. Maybe she would appreciate something a bit quieter. If that's not for you then I guess you'll be spending Christmas apart.
I wouldn't be surprised if she's been dreading it for ages and it's just come to a head now. Hence the rant. You sound hard to please OP.

KabukiNoh · 22/12/2025 20:18

@Dollybantree I don’t think there should be any explicit consequences in the way you might punish a child. Just that there is no downside to her for her choices. OP can decide if she wants to keep travelling down to London several times a year.

FinallyHere · 22/12/2025 20:18

Child free and career focused, I see much of myself in what you describe of your DD. The deal did with my family was that I spend Christmas Eve with them and then slope off for my own audit festivities while they celebrate the children.

The key is to discuss these plans as soon as the August bank holiday is over, so everyone knows what to expect.

Lunde · 22/12/2025 20:19

User7854653 · 22/12/2025 20:14

Here's a theory nobody posted yet but which is extremely common: She is simply jealous of the attention that children receive at Christmas. By proxy, she also hates the attention that the mothers will get because they have attained the social "achievement" of having children.

This is entirely unrelated to a desire to have children themselves or infertility struggles. It's often felt by young women who dislike the social hierarchy of mothers and children being celebrated more than all the achievements of childfree women. It can be compounded by not feeling ready for children themselves, a strong sense of justice, sensitivity to criticism and narcissistic tendencies.

For many of these women, seeing children triggers a sense of inferiority, shame, jealousy and anger. It's more about the distribution of attention from OTHERS, rather than a personal desire to have children. These women are triggered by the fact children soak up all the attention during family gatherings without having "achieved" anything so to speak. Even worse is that they are expected to come with gifts and adoration for the kids and mums. It's slightly irrational and pretty toxic but many women think like this.

You don't think it has more to do with being downgraded to the fold-out bed in the dining room because her (favoured) brother decided he wanted to sleep over rather than go home and OP gave him both guest rooms?

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 22/12/2025 20:19

HaveYouFedTheFish · 22/12/2025 20:12

Yes, it does seem that way - every drip makes it worse. It's a bit like a plot idea for an unoriginal, trashy chicklit novel which the OP is planning to feed into an AI chatbot to churn out something to self publish on Amazon...

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Especially when there's no way anyone treated as shit as the dd here, would ever want contact with such a crap family!

LittlePeachh · 22/12/2025 20:19

Just going out in a whim - has any changes occurred over the years (outwith children and marriages) that could have put her off?

I stopped enjoying Christmas after we stopped spending it with the whole family at my grandmothers.
I worked every Christmas as an adult up until I met my partner. Christmas just didn’t feel like Christmas after that change occurred. I also struggled financially for a bit and couldn’t provide gifts for everyone and partners… I suspect this isn’t the case for your DD? That being said I find it immensely overwhelming now with kids involved to do so. It’s off putting!

Didimum · 22/12/2025 20:19

It’s natural to look for answers, but sometimes there isn’t one. Or at least there isn’t one you will ever know. My husband’s brother is like this. Close knit large family and from around 20, he simply decided he essentially didn’t want a relationship with any of them. Not in an estrangement way, just in a simply not bothering with anyone at at all way. Intensely dislikes being around children. He didn’t go to his brother’s stag do or his sister’s wedding, or his grandad’s funeral. Didn’t come to visit his mum when she has cancer. Has seen our kids once (they’re 8 years old), but never spoken to them. Same with his other nieces and nephews. Doesn’t know or care when their birthdays are. We’ve seen him 2-3 times briefly in 10 years. He barely engages when we do see him.

I think he’s a prick. But there you go.

Saying all that, Christmas with loads of young kids is my idea of hell.

Staringintothevoid616 · 22/12/2025 20:20

MrTwisterHasABlister · 22/12/2025 19:02

This post gave me a sharp intake. You sound like you don’t like her.

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I actually think she sounds very jealous of her own daughter. I wonder if there’s a history of the OP making it clear that she’s “no better” than her siblings to the point of running down all her achievement's. From what I’ve heard, I’m not surprised the daughter hasn’t gone back. I am in a similar position, all the snide
little digs, the constant comments, it’s emotionally abusive - ended up with years of therapy glad the DD is drawing boundaries. It seems the OP fancies herself as a patriarch of a close knit family like an episode of bread. I suspect the DD hated growing up in a large family and made herself an alternative family of people she chose, like her, I suspect she always felt she didn’t below in this family

Scout2016 · 22/12/2025 20:20

I don't imagine sleeping in the dining room and all those children and time with so many adults he doesn't know is her boyfriend's idea of fun either, unless he's very different personality wise from her.

My DH is one of 4, add in their partners and kids ...sometimes I sneak off for a few minutes quiet even though I really like them all. It just gets too much. If your DD and her boyfriend are in the dining room I'm guessing it will be in use or at least people will be in and out or noisy around it?

Pineapplewaves · 22/12/2025 20:21

She was rude to cancel at such short notice, it sounds like she was coming to you if nothing better came up and it did.

When I was that age I wouldn't have relished the prospect of being surrounded by babies and toddlers either. Also at that age all I wanted to do was have fun with my boyfriend and my friends not be stuck in the family home bored out of my mind. I also like my own space, I can’t stay at my parents house now I prefer to stay locally and have my own bathroom and freedom to do what I want.

thetruthisinhere · 22/12/2025 20:21

User7854653 · 22/12/2025 20:14

Here's a theory nobody posted yet but which is extremely common: She is simply jealous of the attention that children receive at Christmas. By proxy, she also hates the attention that the mothers will get because they have attained the social "achievement" of having children.

This is entirely unrelated to a desire to have children themselves or infertility struggles. It's often felt by young women who dislike the social hierarchy of mothers and children being celebrated more than all the achievements of childfree women. It can be compounded by not feeling ready for children themselves, a strong sense of justice, sensitivity to criticism and narcissistic tendencies.

For many of these women, seeing children triggers a sense of inferiority, shame, jealousy and anger. It's more about the distribution of attention from OTHERS, rather than a personal desire to have children. These women are triggered by the fact children soak up all the attention during family gatherings without having "achieved" anything so to speak. Even worse is that they are expected to come with gifts and adoration for the kids and mums. It's slightly irrational and pretty toxic but many women think like this.

Haha my god what an enormously insulting post.

I don’t feel any inferiority, shame or jealousy around other peoples children. Just boredom and irritation, and relief I didn’t have them.

More likely the poor girl realised she’s been put at the bottom of the priority list again, has no bedroom for 5 days, won’t get a single lie in or moment of peace, and and will be expected to act the involved auntie with 15 screaming kids.

Sounds like a rubbish Christmas for her. No wonder she’s staying home where she’ll actually have a real bed and a room she won’t be turfed out of for everyone to have breakfast.

Crikeyalmighty · 22/12/2025 20:21

Dollybantree · 22/12/2025 20:05

What should the “consequences” be?

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Yep I thought that too -

EmpressaurusKitty · 22/12/2025 20:21

After years of being the one relegated to the sofa because I’m single & childfree, I don’t go anywhere now unless I know I’m going to have a room to myself with a bed.

It’s a massive drip feed, OP.

Dollybantree · 22/12/2025 20:22

User7854653 · 22/12/2025 20:14

Here's a theory nobody posted yet but which is extremely common: She is simply jealous of the attention that children receive at Christmas. By proxy, she also hates the attention that the mothers will get because they have attained the social "achievement" of having children.

This is entirely unrelated to a desire to have children themselves or infertility struggles. It's often felt by young women who dislike the social hierarchy of mothers and children being celebrated more than all the achievements of childfree women. It can be compounded by not feeling ready for children themselves, a strong sense of justice, sensitivity to criticism and narcissistic tendencies.

For many of these women, seeing children triggers a sense of inferiority, shame, jealousy and anger. It's more about the distribution of attention from OTHERS, rather than a personal desire to have children. These women are triggered by the fact children soak up all the attention during family gatherings without having "achieved" anything so to speak. Even worse is that they are expected to come with gifts and adoration for the kids and mums. It's slightly irrational and pretty toxic but many women think like this.

Wow. I have 4 dc’s and I think that’s bollocks.

Much more likely that she finds them all tedious, overbearing and annoying and simply doesn’t want to spend time with them!

InterIgnis · 22/12/2025 20:23

AlertOpalCrab · 22/12/2025 20:15

I’m starting to see why she doesn’t want to come home…

Her childhood was overshadowed by other people's life events. Even as an incredibly successful adult she’s made to feel like the odd one out. How were her accomplishments celebrated? Getting into law school, graduating, securing a job at a London law firm. Were her siblings there to celebrate her milestones or were they busy running after toddlers in a caravan park?

You don’t make a fuss about her career anymore than your other DCs. Why? Because you don’t want to upset your DCs in lower skilled jobs? But assuming their marriages and children have gotten plenty of attention and celebration

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By the sounds of it, the lives of OP’s other children reflect her own, and that’s what OP considers to be the good and right way. The life of her youngest daughter doesn’t, and she simply can’t relate to it. Possibly also sees it as a judgement on and rejection of herself and her own life choices, because why wouldn’t she want to emulate her mother? Clearly a bad seed that thinks she’s better than everyone and needs to know her place(!).

YourWildAmberSloth · 22/12/2025 20:23

Cancelling at the last minute is rude and thoughtless - you are within your rights to tell her this. However, she is entitled to spend Christmas elsewhere if she chooses. She is an adult, your childrens relationship with each other (and their children) is a matter for them. If they don't see each other, that's for them to work out - it doesn't have to be Christmas, if they are bothered they can arrange to meet up at other times of the year. Not everyone wants to do the big family Christmas.

Pebbles16 · 22/12/2025 20:23

User7854653 · 22/12/2025 20:14

Here's a theory nobody posted yet but which is extremely common: She is simply jealous of the attention that children receive at Christmas. By proxy, she also hates the attention that the mothers will get because they have attained the social "achievement" of having children.

This is entirely unrelated to a desire to have children themselves or infertility struggles. It's often felt by young women who dislike the social hierarchy of mothers and children being celebrated more than all the achievements of childfree women. It can be compounded by not feeling ready for children themselves, a strong sense of justice, sensitivity to criticism and narcissistic tendencies.

For many of these women, seeing children triggers a sense of inferiority, shame, jealousy and anger. It's more about the distribution of attention from OTHERS, rather than a personal desire to have children. These women are triggered by the fact children soak up all the attention during family gatherings without having "achieved" anything so to speak. Even worse is that they are expected to come with gifts and adoration for the kids and mums. It's slightly irrational and pretty toxic but many women think like this.

Especially when perpetuated by you and others.
Fuck 15 children, even eight...I honestly cannot imagine anything worse and being the aunty who must surely love being around small people.
No, I do not want that.
At first I thought @calypsolypso 's daughter was being rude but can plainly see now how she has been demoted, feeling "less than" and an outsider to her family. This is not a criticism to OP but it does seem like the dynamic of having children is the real purpose in life rather than personal happiness.
I live in FOG and I commend your daughter for putting herself first.

Crushed23 · 22/12/2025 20:23

User7854653 · 22/12/2025 20:14

Here's a theory nobody posted yet but which is extremely common: She is simply jealous of the attention that children receive at Christmas. By proxy, she also hates the attention that the mothers will get because they have attained the social "achievement" of having children.

This is entirely unrelated to a desire to have children themselves or infertility struggles. It's often felt by young women who dislike the social hierarchy of mothers and children being celebrated more than all the achievements of childfree women. It can be compounded by not feeling ready for children themselves, a strong sense of justice, sensitivity to criticism and narcissistic tendencies.

For many of these women, seeing children triggers a sense of inferiority, shame, jealousy and anger. It's more about the distribution of attention from OTHERS, rather than a personal desire to have children. These women are triggered by the fact children soak up all the attention during family gatherings without having "achieved" anything so to speak. Even worse is that they are expected to come with gifts and adoration for the kids and mums. It's slightly irrational and pretty toxic but many women think like this.

I obviously can’t speak for OP’s DD but this theory is laughable. A 26 year-old hotshot lawyer in London is unlikely to be desperate for attention from family she clearly has no interest in. She doesn’t even keep in touch with most of them, she’s hardly going to be desperate for their approval and envious of the attention they get from other family members she doesn’t care about.

Some people have no interest in family life. And that’s fine.

I agree with PP that the DD has bettered herself. In fact, it’s the elephant in the room. She has graduated to a better life and doesn’t want to be dragged back down to her roots which she worked hard to escape. She likely mixes with people who are educated, high achieving, ambitious and have a curiosity about the world. She is unlikely to have anything in common with her sisters who churned babies out in their 20s, have no career, don’t travel, whose lives revolve around children, etc. What would they even talk about?

Calendulaaria · 22/12/2025 20:24

Is she the family scapegoat? The one everyone blames for everything? That could be the answer.

DressOrSkirt · 22/12/2025 20:25

YourWildAmberSloth · 22/12/2025 20:23

Cancelling at the last minute is rude and thoughtless - you are within your rights to tell her this. However, she is entitled to spend Christmas elsewhere if she chooses. She is an adult, your childrens relationship with each other (and their children) is a matter for them. If they don't see each other, that's for them to work out - it doesn't have to be Christmas, if they are bothered they can arrange to meet up at other times of the year. Not everyone wants to do the big family Christmas.

Cancelling her daughter's bedroom at the last minute was incredibly rude of OP

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 22/12/2025 20:25

I know troll hunting is not allowed, and I have never called troll ever before.

But this is a wind up surely???
The drip feeds are unreal.

last minute demotion to roll out bed in DINING room over Christmas?
Turning down DDs offer to stay in hotel
15 kids at one point. I think 8 on Christmas Day?
The DD can’t be that exhausted, she takes ski and sun holidays?

If it is real and not a wind up, it is no wonder that DD has pulled out at short notice, those last minute changes are horrible.
Sounds like a Christmas from hell for lots of people, myself included!!

Carandache18 · 22/12/2025 20:26

Got to be a wind up. It just gets worse. Unless it's living too close to Sellafield. OP, borrow your son's geiger counter and hold it near your head. If it ticks a lot, your brain has almost certainly mutated into some sort of mad clannish tone deaf mush, and you may have a cause to sue. Good luck!

ilovesooty · 22/12/2025 20:26

DressOrSkirt · 22/12/2025 19:56

OP hasn't said when she told her daughter she was demoted to the dining room

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Good point.

KabukiNoh · 22/12/2025 20:26

Crikeyalmighty · 22/12/2025 20:21

Yep I thought that too -

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See my previous response. I’m not thinking there should be consequences, just considering how it looks from daughter’s point of view. Another PP mentioned that she doesn’t feel any connection or belonging to her family. She had moved on. This seems far more likely than PPs speculating (projecting) that it’s about infertility grief!