DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

Wow - she seems very distant and a bit cold. Maybe she feels left behind by all the other siblings as they've progressed their life or something - or maybe she was always quite self-involved. Either way - the only thing you can do without pushing her further away is to take it on the chin and then try and have a conversation one on one in a non confrontational way about the "seperation".

Would you want to spend your Christmas break on a pull-out bed?

It's rude to bail so late.

But I wouldn't sweat it.

Maybe tee something up for Easter. Opt for a mum and daughter thing?

I find it incredibly odd that you refer to her feeling having children is a long way off at 26 as “normal for a professional in London”. It’s normal full stop. 26 is young to have children these days. Most people are in their 30s.

I may be reaching but it sounds like your family is very child oriented. That as her siblings have had children she’s being questioned and pressured about having children herself. I think most people haven’t met their cousins kids.

She has 3 (?) siblings all with (multiple?) kids plus there’s cousins with kids? If you aren’t a kid person this sounds stressful.

It’s rude of her to cancel so late in the day but I don’t think her not wanting to come is rude.

So 2 months ago she could have booked a hotel, and then 2 weeks ago she got relegated to the pull out bed like a small child because you've kicked her out for her older brother and his kids.

I'd cancel too. JFC.

Do her siblings buy her gifts?

I understand the cost of large families, but she's the one pushing against family norms and deciding not to engage w/ them. I can see why she wouldn't buy everyone something, but still . . .

My DSis has no children but 6 DN&N and one year when she was broke, she brought over inexpensive blow bubbles and played w/ the kids outside. It was adorable and she probably spent less than a fancy coffee on it.

It's the thoughtless that hurts, I imagine.

She's had an invite she deems better than seeing family and has binned you off. She has form having done it before
I think you just need to let her get on with it.
She sounds shallow and rude.

I know some people would love this but the christmas sounds like hell to me 15 children, you couldn't pay me as I like a much quieter christmas. The most time I would spend in a pull up bed without privacy is 1 night. The children would be in and out and whatcabout intimacy she is 26. Why does her brother get the spare room and not her, is he favoured because he has children, My mother would make us take turns in those Circumstances. Why arent the kids in the lounge. You really imo don't speak nicely about her and seem children centric. If I was her at that age there is no way I'd come . I can't believe you'd put children in a bedroom and adults in the lounge. I dont blame her at all you seem to prefer your other children and everything is about the children. People are allowed to not like them or enjoy their company.

@calypsolypso unfortunately I suspect she doesn’t feel she has that much in common and may well not be able to cope mentally with that level of manicness/kids - I don’t necessarily think it’s out feeling ‘better than’ - just ‘different from’ -some people simply aren’t that family minded either - it’s hurtful I know

💯 this. OP needs to give her head a wobble and think about how she comes across to her DD, not just how DD is making her feel.

Much as I dont agree with the last minute cancellation, a day interacting with a load of small nieces/nephews/cousins sounds like my idea of absolute hell. I dont like children and I'm not comfortable around them. That doesn't make me rude or horrible.

Like I said, the last minute cancellation isn't on though

I'd agree with that - I don't know anyone who had kids before their 30s in London.

Exactly, I think most people would have cancelled too if they had found out they were going to be demoted to the pull out bed in the dining room. Why couldn’t your son, who lives locally come for the day? Your daughter will probably have to travel for hours both ways from London. Surely she got first dibs on the decent bedroom upstairs? Your Daughter will need a rest and even if she managed to sleep in the pull out bed, then she will be woken up at the crack of dawn by the young children and you wanting to use the dining room. This would not be a holiday for her.

Of course Christmas with DD is meaningful for you, but essentially I'd let her do as she likes, understanding she grown up, independent and making her own choices. I think she means no disrespect but is choosing what she wants to do most. You ll catch up with her another time, right? I wouldn't be too sentimental about her meeting cousins kids.

I mean, I reiterate my earlier post, you REALLY don’t seem to like or respect her.

You have zero understanding of her life.

So would I, but I'd have cancelled two weeks ago as soon as I discovered what the promised space for sleeping actually was.

Exactly - I bet if the DD was posting from her viewpoint, everyone would tell her to pretend she had the flu and stay home in her own bed!

This honestly sounds to me like it’s simply a case of she has gone to uni moved to The Big City from oop North and has money and a high flying job etc and doesn’t particularly relate to her family anymore.

I can kind of get it as I don’t particularly like spending much time with my own family either.

Rude of her to call it off last minute but I actually think she’s getting quite a hard time on here. No way would I go and sleep on a camp bed at my parents house for even more than one night. I moved out at 20 and have never been back for Christmas!

It’s being made into a much bigger deal than it is imo. She doesn’t particularly enjoy being around you all or finds it overwhelming or whatever and I’m a big believer in people doing what they enjoy doing over Christmas and not being a martyr bending over backwards to accommodate other people and do what they want.

She’s young, childless and probably having a fab time and social life in London - why would she want to spend Christmas in her childhood home surrounded by screaming kids?

If you value your relationship with her don’t get heavy about it. All kids are different - they don’t come in one size fits all and does come across a little like you’re disappointed that she isn’t married with kids of her own being a sahm like your other dd’s..

She has a different life in London. Her friends and colleagues are probably similar. Young free and enjoying life.
Let her be. Keep in contact and send photos etc but let her make her choices.
She will come and visit when she is good and ready.

I know you likely love her but do you like your youngest op? What kind of things do you do with her when you visit London? Is there anything you both enjoy and connect over?

She isn't living the life you chose, she's genuinely not interested in her nieces and nephews, that's ok for her, it isn't an insult on you and your life she's just different but she still deserves to be liked for who she is don't you think?

I think she cancelled as soon as she heard that she and her partner had been downgraded from the spare room to the dining room on a fold up bed when her brother finally told his parents that he and his family would be staying and they were then given the two upstairs spare bedrooms.

It's obvious that the siblings with children are always prioritised over OP's youngest daughter.

It doesn't sound like this is just about Christmas or her need for downtime because of her high flying job.

Her relationship with siblings has broken down. Was it ever good? Was she happy growing up? Were there arguments at home?
She doesn't want to see her siblings other than one brother. That seems to be the crux of it. Did she grow up having honest and open conversations with you? Because if she didn't do this growing up, she sure as hell isn't going to start now.

She could be a snobby woman. Or she could find it really difficult to tell you openly that she doesn't want to spend Xmas with her family. If this is the case, why do you think it might be? Do you listen to her? Do you see her as an equal adult? If you were never one for talking about feelings, then you have lost your youngest daughter. And be honest OP do you try to make her feel guilty for not doing what you'd like her to do? She could be saying yes initially because its easier than saying no.

Prioritising your brother over her regarding the sleeping arrangements sounds bonkers too. She must have felt so unwelcome or her partner may have said no to sleeping on a pull out.

I totally understand why you're upset, @calypsolypso . It must be very disappointing and hurtful to be let down at the last minute like this, especially if you were really looking forward to a Christmas where all of you would be together for the first time in a while.

A bit of a MN pile on seems to be happening here- your DD is now being labelled snobby, selfish, thoughtless, ungrateful, etc. by other posters which strikes me as unfair, and I strongly disagree with the suggestion that you should read her the riot act. Please don't be sucked into this narrative that she thinks she's too good for you and the family - you know her best, not anonymous posters online.

The fact its, at 26, she's an adult who can make her own decisions, some of which you won't like. She's entitled to have her own opinion of what makes a good Christmas Day (child-free, it sounds like) and how she wants to spend it. She's also entitled to form her own view as to how close of a relationship (or not) she wants with her siblings and nephews and nieces. That may change as time goes on anyway, none of us know what the future holds. You can't force her share your views and values, and any attempt to is likely to push her further away. What interests me here is not that she's chosen not to spend Christmas with you all - it's that she's told you last minute, over text, having previously said she would be there. Why is that? Is it because she's thoughtless and selfish and truly doesn't care? Or is it because she was avoiding making a decision or communicating her decision to you? Was she afraid of a 'telling off' or a guilt trip - real or imagined? At her age, and given her professional accomplishments, she's clearly a very bright and capable woman who has to communicate clearly with others and be firm at work. Why doesn't she feel she can do that with her mum? She seems stuck in teenage avoidance when it comes to family - why? When she's delivered bad news or disappointment in the past, has she met with a negative reaction or an uncomfortable situation?

In terms of a way forward, would keep it light for now and simply say that you hope she has a lovely day and you'll give her a ring at some point to wish her a merry Christmas. I wouldn't mention being upset, disappointed, angry, etc as this is only going to put more pressure on her.

However, I would then have a chat with her once emotions have died down - probably some time in the New Year, and ideally face to face - and tell her that you have no issue with her spending Christmas wherever she wants, but she needs to be clear and honest with you. Make clear that you were disappointed not about her non-attendance, but about her late communication, and how it made you feel (disrespected? Not worthy of consideration?)

I feel like this Christmas cancellation is the symptom of a wider issue, which is absolutely worth trying to get to the bottom of - but emotions are always heightened at this time of year, so only once you've had a chance to reflect. I hope you can repair things xxx

May I ask why do you expect her to buy presents for nephews and nieces?

(I would definitely buy them for my nephews and nieces, but I don't think it's a given)

So 2 months ago she could have booked a hotel, and then 2 weeks ago she got relegated to the pull out bed like a small child because you've kicked her out for her older brother and his kids.
I'd cancel too. JFC.

Yup!

Why wasn't her brother told that sorry, there was no room?