DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

OP hasn't said when she told her daughter she was demoted to the dining room

Or told that he could stay, but they'd have to all squeeze into one room?

If I was in your daughter’s shoes no effing way would I be buying for 8 nieces and nephews .

Not a chance.

That’s a mental expectation to put on her.

I don't blame your DD.

Probably because he has children and is therefore more important in OPs eyes.

I haven't read everything but if I'm not wrong this is 17 children? I have nieces and nephews and I love them all the world but I do find the noise and the busy-ness quite overwhelming when they're all together - and there's not 17 of them! I'm not surprised she feels overwhelmed particularly if she's not got children of her own. I would, however, have been honest from the outset.

We never specifically discussed who was where with her, but it was made clear in the group chat who was going to be sleeping where.

and you're shocked she's now cancelled??

Maybe she feels too much pressure from you and is pushing back this all comes across and being intense

How long ago was that?

When was it made clear in the group chat vs when she pulled out.

seriously?

Do you realise how rude and unpleasant you sound? You really don't like her much do you.

At most ask her to grab a tin of roses or quality streets for the kids to share, but your expectations are so unreasonable I wouldn't know how to describe them politely.

Over the last 2 weeks it’s been spoken about. Admittedly I don’t know if she checked the group chat in that time as she’s not very active on it.

You still won't answer WHEN?

But you know she doesn't check the chat much so it's possible even if you did give up to 2 weeks notice that she only read it today.

You told her in October there was room for her, but that room has turned out to be the dining room. Of course she cancelled.

So at some point could have even been yesterday she realised she was on the fold out in the dining room.

Of course she pulled out.

Do you ever try and arrange anything that’s just adults zero children with her?

Well I dont know many if any 26 year old couples who would come visit and sleep in the pull-up bed in the lounge, especially with children running around. maybe she didn't realise till now but it's really a bit much to ask of adults.

Can you really be surprised that she's cancelled?

I wouldn't spend a precious week of my annual leave on a pull-out bed in a dining room either.

This is interesting. If she was a single childless man would you expect 8 presents for young children?

My Brice’s and nephews have a single uncle on the other side. He has never bought them a present ever. The oldest is 16 now. No one have ever get batted an eyelid - the kids know not to expect anything.

Not every aunt or uncle buys presents: there are eight now - who knows how many there could be. That’s a lot of presents. She doesn’t have to - and if she never starts the kids won’t expect it. She won’t be close to them - but again that’s okay. Not everyone is very very close to everyone on their family

I missed your post about her being demoted to the dining room now her (golden child?) db has decided to come.

Yeah, bollocks to that.

Next time, offer to pay for a night or two in a hotel for her. Then she can at least escape to some quiet at the end of each day x

Don't you think you should have? This is supposed to be her homeplace yet she is relegated to camping in the dining room? Along with her new partner? Amid a huge gang of kids? It sounds awful.
Why would you even invite people to take part in this?

I'm intrigued about what size your last house was if you are still able to accommodate all these people in your 'downsize'?

I think it would have probably been best for DD and her bf to book a hotel and therefore have a quiet retreat as well as a proper bed. Also with a family this big maybe secret santa is the answer so everyone only has to buy 1 gift. I can't even begin to think what I would buy for 8 children.

Honestly as a young lawyer myself, she is likely overworked, frazzled and very tired and is looking forward to a restful time in the company of friends and her partner for fun and support and like minded chat / downtime. I agree leaving it until today was rather rude but I can’t get over her being demoted and turfed out due to her brother not confirming his plans earlier. The brother shouldn’t trump your daughter’s accommodation. I think you should be happy she is doing what she prefers and proud she has boundaries.

So essentially you’re a working class family from the north west. And from her perspective she has bettered herself and escaped to a more exciting lifestyle where she no longer relates to what she has left behind. She has a slight sense of obligation, hence she agreed to come home, but when faced with the reality she couldn’t quite bring herself to return ‘home’. And she knows you will forgive her and keep visiting so there are no real consequences that affect her.

Look I’m just going to be honest - Christmas at your house sounds like hell.

I’m very similar to your daughter in terms of age, being a high earner in London etc and I think it’s clear that you’re putting a lot of pressure on her. Personally I like having a low key Christmas where I don’t have to pretend to like people, like I have to do at work! It’s quite clear she isn’t close to you and her extended family, it will be an awkward day where she’s having to meet new people, entertain children, force a smile for the sake of photographs? When in reality, she doesn’t want to be there? She won’t even have a private space? She barely interacts with you outside of Christmas, so why wouldn’t Christmas Day itself be negative?

You think, that she thinks she is better than you, but it’s likely the other way around. A bunch of northerners that see her as a snobby Londoner. She totally will be able to sense the atmosphere and that the piss will be taken out of her.

At the end of the day, it seems like the feeling is mutual between her and her siblings in that none of them really bother with her. Christmas isn’t going to fix that. She clearly feels more comfortable being alone or with her boyfriend, than she does with you.