DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

But when did you actually tell your daughter she would be sleeping in the dining room?

I have two kids and we have siblings on both sides without children. We haven't seen my bil since Easter, his wife since Christmas 2023. Bil has seen our 5 year old a handful of times and hasn't met our 3 month old. My partner left home nearly 20 years ago and in that time his brother has visited once and that was in 2010! My partner by contrast took a few days off work and travelled 250 miles to help him move house. Bil and his wife are lovely around children but it's really not their thing so whilst the kids will be there at family meals the focus is more on the adults connecting and the children being looked after and entertain by anyone not in conversation. Yes bil and and his wife do but it is certainly not expected and my partner and I keep an eye out to make sure they aren't bombarded.

On my side my two sisters are way more into children than I am! One has a daughter and the other is a child that never grew up. Family functions with them is time for me and my partner to sit back with a drink and make the most of the child entertainers for the day. I have actively avoided my cousins and their children. The only time I have seen my cousin's in the last 5 years has been at funerals and that was more than enough. If I zero intentions of ever seeing some of my cousins again.

We have zero expectations of anyone buying presents for our kids. We chose to have them our siblings get a choice about the type of relationship they want with them.

You seem quite insistent on bringing her back to the nest and playing her role as doting aunt. I wonder whether she fully intended to try to come but the closer it's got the dread has builded and builded and got too much. In a similar situation I think I would have been counting down the days with utter dread.

I wonder whether the family and kid focus of Christmas is a bit too overwhelming. I'd arrange a much lower key event in the new year and go from there.

Did he say he would be with you then go away at the last minute? If I'm understanding the OP correctly its not that the daughter isn't there it's the rudeness of a late change of plan

You do realise that’s an insane expectation

I know everyone is saying she under immense pressure at work and I am sure she is, but she also goes skiing or to Marbella/Greece multiple times a year so it can’t be all work no play.

Oh my goodness, an American corporate law firm! Do you have any idea of the pressure she’s under? The long hours culture? Even as a trainee it will be horrendous - & then she’s expected to spend 5 nights on a fold out bed surrounded by small children! After a 5/6 hour journey!

Honestly OP this idea was really misconceived from the start. She and her fella needed to be in an Airbnb or hotel somewhere nice, near to you but able to have space to relax by themselves, maybe seeing you on Xmas Day but giving the cousins on Boxing Day and wider family a miss.

I think you need to appreciate that her life has gone in a very different direction, that she’s under huge pressure at work (with potential for absolutely huge reward in future) and to work round this. In particular just accept that she’s not interested in cousins, or small children, & that your relationship with her needs to focus on her as a person, not on her as an aunt etc. I’m also not surprised she has not visited over the last year- given her likely working hours it is just too far.

It was indeed very rude of her to cancel at the last minute. But try to be glad she’s having a Christmas she wants, and to focus next year on building a more realistic relationship with her that places a lot less emphasis on extended family and small children, and a lot more emphasis on her.

I honestly feel sorry for her- she must have been dreading this event, & it is a testament to her affection for you that she ever planned on attending. The people I knew who did training contracts at London based US law firms were, uniformly, highly able & also absolutely exhausted by pressure and long hours.

To sum up, your daughter worked her arse off at uni, paid her own way, did a training contract at a law firm and got a post at a US law firm; do you know how much effort and dedication that takes? I bet you don't. You also don't realise just how much time you are on call and how many hours you have to put in. Don't also forget there will be student loans to be paid back. Also the culture in London is just different. I'm in 50s and moved up north because of circumstances and despite the friendly people it really really isn't the same. People keep telling me it's grim down south but by god, have you looked at the cities in the north; it's no different in terms of shops closing in high streets but the culture and attitude just seems different (not all but mostly). Unless you've experienced the whole package; you just won't get it. Also your daughter is still under 30 so still finding her way. She likely just doesn't have anything at all in common with her siblings and you don't seem to celebrate her achievements. That's not to say you denigrate your other children's achievements but blimey she's done well! She's on a different trajectory and I think you will need to accept that academically, socially and emotionally she is on a different path. Best wishes.

Or she’s spent her life having her talents and achievements downplayed by her family, who view with suspicion anyone that dares to stand out and/or choose differently to them. Cutting down the tall poppy.

But your house isn’t play or relaxing. Sounds like being brow beaten into playing the perfect aunty. Only talking about the wee children.

More work for her basically.

As a child free 26 year old I would have found that expectation very unreasonable.8 gifts for children she doesn't really know? That's buying for the sake of buying, madness imo

If she’s a lawyer in a big American law firm, I suspect she’s probably exhausted, and just wants to make the most of her time off by relaxing with her friends and not feeling pressured into being “on” for the whole Christmas period. 15 children and all those adults in what sounds like a fairly small house is a LOT, especially with nowhere to retreat to during the day.

Your emphasis is on family, and kids, and togetherness, but it sounds like your DD really needs some space. The tone of your posts makes it sound like you don’t particularly like / understand / want to understand your DD. If she’s never felt like she’s a priority, it’s understandable she might not prioritise you.

Wow.

I can't imagine much worse than all those kids, I don't blame her for wanting to spend Christmas at home tbh. She should have told you sooner but it sounds clear that she's just not into family stuff, perhaps doesn't have much in common with you all, has built her own life and is happy not seeing you very much. It's sad for you if you miss her but you can't force her, it's just how things are. Maybe it will change over time, maybe not. You have enough family close, give her space.

It sounds like she feels disconnected from you all - she’s gone ‘up in the world’ and that can make people behave strangely.
Crudely, she may feel not ‘posh’ enough in an American law firm and yet also doesn’t strongly associate with her more humble beginnings and a house full of kids.
Her behaviour is poor (the cancelling late which is rude and hurtful) but there’s possibly a lot of deep feelings beneath it, and as she matures she’ll grow out of this class anxiety.

She is allowed holidays!! And she doesn’t have to spend them all with you.

surely you have the empathy to understand that spending a week on a sofa bed with kids running around you after the manic run up to Christmas simply isn’t appealing ? I would also not turn up tbh.

Please stop posting all your information. I really hope you have changed some of it or your neighbours will have identified you easily.
Your youngest daughter is living in a completely different and all consuming life, a 5 hour train journey each way to sleep on a fold out bed and feign interest in children is an awful way to spend Christmas.
Just facetime her on Christmas Eve and Day, tell her you love her and would like to see her in the new year when things are quieter. You could try and meet half way and forge a new adult relationship with your youngest. She doesn't have to be close to her siblings or comment on the family chat, she's busy living her life that she has created from her accomplishments which is what anyone can hope for their children when they grow up. She sounds like a daughter to be proud of - independent and ambitious and assertive enough to decline the visit albeit last minute. You can be disappointed but let it fester.

She’s very rude to let you down so late without a proper reason. It does sound as though she is moving in different circles now and feels different to her siblings. I have a DD25 who has done very well and lives in London. She only comes home once or twice a year and we are only an hour or so away. We more likely visit her because there’s so many better places to go in London and our families are originally from London anyway.However we are texting several times a week and she’s active on our family chat and the wider family one. But she likes to be home at Christmas and see all of her family. I would let her be and let her contact you next.

A trip to the sun compared to going home and being ambushed with multiple children while being relegated to a fold down bed. I know which I would rather do (and spend my money on) to decompress from my job

And 8 children is a lot. Even a tenner each is £80 and let’s face it High flying aunty will be expected to spend more than a mere tenner on each children. More like £40-£50 each.

I m going to add to my post (sorry for self quote) that I've now just read about the fold up bed in the dining room.

I do see both sides here (I'm older with DGC).

Daughter and partner could have compromised with booking hotel and just done 25th and 26th then gone back home. That's the polite and considerate thing to do.
@calypsolypso I don't feel you should have pushed the whole fold up bed in the dining room set up (because that's how families used to do it?) but there's definitely a reason your daughter felt she couldn't say no at the time.
And she's flying high in a London bubble at the moment . It's only for now. In a decades time, she may value that family set up.

I’m sorry, but sleeping in the dining room on a fold out bed for 5 nights in a house that 10+ small children will be visiting sounds like absolute hell.

Your house at Christmas sounds like very hard work, tbh, OP. I know it's what you want but it's obviously not her idea of fun.

I have an intense job. Christmas is the only downtime I get. I was off work today and the headache has now kicked in.

You describe luxury holidays - they are relaxing. She sets her own timetable - sleeps in a luxurious bed every night - decides what activities to do every day.

That is completely different to staying in a crowded house, with a family who disapprove of you, with young children you don’t really know crying and yelling, meals not exactly to your liking and at different times. It is incredibly stressful.

the fact you can’t seem to see your Christmas for your daughter’s perspective says a lot about your relationship.

This is what I was trying to say, but you’ve done a much better job 😂

Youngest child who’s different from the others. Has ‘outgrown’ her background and is now a lawyer at a US law firm in London (earning bucket loads of money). She is so, so different from everyone else and is not into children at all. Reading all that, I can see why she may not love the idea of that big family Christmas where people will ask ‘are you next?’ (marriage, baby) and will plant toddlers on her lap. But I don’t understand why she said yes and then cancelled so last minute. (Rude and hurtful!) I also don’t understand why she could not congratulate her sister straight after having a baby, or visit you even once in the past 2 years. You do not sound unreasonable as parents, and I find it very unkind and selfish, to be honest. It’s a tricky situation to deal with, I think you should tell her how you feel, without alienating her. Easier said than done of course, especially because she’s alienated herself so much already! Maybe, with time, she’ll understand the value of family. But it does not sound like this will happen any time soon …