DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

It’s not an afterthought.

It will be things like daughter’s first day at junior school/m vs another kid’s first day at secondary school.
Where their life stages were much bigger but that doesn’t equate to being more important to the parents.

So put the kids on the floor with their parents and your DD and her partner in the bunk beds. I wouldn't go home either if I would have to sleep on a pull-out bed in the dining room

I think my parents would say the same about me but in reality I was desperate for more support but didn’t feel like I could ask for it because it always felt like my sibling needed it more

I would imagine that her high-flying DD won't give a flying fuck if she's left out of any inheritance. Her parents have already downsized to a house with no spare bedroom for her DD to stay and there are five children and obviously multiple grandchildren. As OP and her husband couldn't afford to support their youngest DD with any financial contributions when she went to University, I hardly imagine that there is a large inheritance for this DD to be left out of.

I come from a northern mining town and there was a lot of reverse snobbery about people moving away for University and, normally, never coming back.

A Christmas with siblings that don’t make any effort visiting her or asking about her life, multiple children who will no doubt be pushed towards her to be the nanny so their parents can have a break all while sleeping on a make shift bed while children get a bedroom

I am sorry but that doesn’t sound like a restful, enjoyable way to spend time off from a heavy going job

The more you write the more I am on your daughter’s side

Wow, what do your grand-children have done to YOU? 😂

She hasn't come once home in 2 years???

This isn't really about Christmas then is it???

It doesn't read like that to me, or to other posters.

Also, it's a bit of an odd example - why would the first day secondary school have to overshadow the first day of primary?

Yeah. You’d need a pharmacy of ibuprofen and ear plugs to survive. And then to follow it up with multiple nights sleeping on a fold out bed in the post sprout/turkey dining room .

I’m sure a lot of people would love it but not me.

Seriously, with all these people on Christmas day it sounds manic, it wouldn’t be my idea of a pleasant time plus having to sleep on a pull out bed. Yes your DD shouldn’t have cancelled at short notice but for some people this sounds hell on earth.

We hadn’t confirmed with DS if he was spending Christmas week here or if he was staying at home and travelling on Christmas Day until 2 weeks ago.
she’s always known that all the children and cousins would be here as it’s the same more or less every year.
All 15 children won’t be there for the whole day, maybe 2 hours where everyone overlaps.

YANBU. Regardless of her reasons for not wanting to come, she shouldn’t have said she was coming and then cancelled last minute. It’s the height of rudeness (emergency situations excepted).

It Doesn’t sound very enjoyable to be honest - sleeping on a pull out on the dining room while everyone else has a bedroom.

to be honest OP you sound like you disapprove of her. She has chosen a very different path and you obviously think she looks down on you and your other children. I have no idea of that’s true - but your Christmas sounds overwhelming- so many kids - a small house, not enough room. That would be fun for an afternoon but not for a few nights.

I’ve got a headache thinking about the sheer noise. And a bad back thinking of what’s likely a horrible foldout bed.

dottiehens you sour old bag.

So she was demoted to the dining room when golden balls son and his children decided they wanted to stay. They got the two spare rooms even though she was coming first!!

no wonder she cancelled.

It’s objectively a bigger life event. That’s all.

She doesn't like kids very much and is 'expected to interact' with, umm, 15 children on Christmas Day. And sleep in the dining room. Think I'd swerve it too!

Let her OP. Nothing you will say or do will change things. Just let her do what she wants and concentrate on enjoying the day with your family instead.

So you expected her to buy for 15 children?

It does sound a bit like you don't value her much and that your focus is all on your grandchildren and you feel like she should be similarly minded. She clearly isn't interested in them and I think you need to accept that if you really want to maintain a connected relationship rather than a superficial duty bound one.

Someone asked if you were jealous of her, are you?

You reckon wrong then. OP has said that she didn't get much attention and all her achievements/milestones were overshadowed by her older siblings and cousins. She also only had her siblings hand-me-downs. So the opposite of spoiled.

Not including DD 26 and her boyfriend, I’ve counted 30 people to be in the house for Christmas Day? Is that right? That must be incredibly expensive and hard work to host that many people - I’m in awe! But for my personality that would also sound pretty hellish. She was wrong to cancel so late but I wouldn’t want to attend if it were me either

Forget about Christmas for now, but think about it as a mirror of the rest of your relationship with her. It sounds like she is either disinterested or evasive, and there’ll be reasons for that. I think if you really care you should ask her very gently why she behaves as she does and actually be open to hearing it.

it may be as simple as her not wanting to sleep on a sofa bed for a week (who would, if this is likely one of the few times she’s getting off in the year). I wouldn’t underestimate how much pressure young professionals like her are under in law firms like these.

the other thing is whether you’re being completely honest with yourself about your relationship with eachother. my sister went AWOL just before COVID, mum insisted that sister was completely unreasonable etc etc and then Sis recently told us she’d found out life changing information from my mum that she’d kept hidden from her for 40 years.

So was she demoted to a pull-out bed when your DS finally confirmed his plans?

Do you really not see how any of this comes across? 😏

I expected her to buy for her 8 nieces and nephews.