DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

if the OP's family is anything like mine, a lot.

Our big family gathering was pre-christmas though, and only for one afternoon, but at one point my aunts house had 25 people squeezed in 1 set of grandparents, 4 sets of siblings & spouses, 11 grandchildren, 4 foster kids, and 4 dogs. It was mayhem... even more when the neighbours used to drop in as well. i hated it.

And where are all these people staying? Is she the only one shoved in a dining room like an afterthought?

Wow.

Yeah I'm not surprised she doesn't want to go home.

Maybe you should read the OP's posts as it's actually the total opposite.

Yes. And she made an effort to make sure she was still celebrated.

Most in there own homes; with exception of DS and his wife who would have the spare room and their 2 children in the box room.

To me she sounds quite self involved, selfish and probably that she thinks she’s better than the family she came from.

I think your only hope is that she grows out of it, possibly when she eventually has a family of her own. People aren’t set in stone at 25, I know I’ve done a lot of growing up in the last decade (now 35).

If you truly think there’s no family drama or pressure from her boyfriend, the best course of action is to be relaxed and make sure she feels loved rather than guilty. Keep inviting her to stuff but don’t put any pressure on. Absolutely say you’re disappointed she can’t come, but don’t lay it on thick. Invite her to next Christmas, don’t guilt trip her about this year but also don’t get your hopes up.

Exactly how many kids are there?

It sounds like you minimise her achievements. She has done amazingly well to be where she's at.

Being celebrated as a constant afterthought isn't really the same thing, though, is it?

So she’s got the dining room for children to have a room. A women who doesn’t care for children.

Will be awoken early am in the dining room by children. Surely they could bunk in with their parents.

She just may be introverted and can’t handle big family gatherings where she has no private bedroom or space to retreat to. Sleeping in the dining room means you are last to bed and first up in the morning. Going out clubbing is just a few hours of going to where you’re just another anonymous body & face dancing the night away. There’s not the same intensity or intimacy days and nights jammed in a small house as a family gathering at Christmas with siblings, cousins, grandparents, nieces and nephews.

I think she really wanted to please you and go, but as it got closer to the day she realised she just couldn’t go through with it.

I would try and plan for her to visit you when it’s not a big huge event where everyone has to perform being happy and Christmassy

I think if I'd found that out late in the day ( unclear when she did find out) having offered to book a hotel but being told there was space I'd have cancelled too.

@Lunde I just book the hotel regardless. I like my sleep. 🤣

15 children 😳

I’ll be honest, I didn’t find Christmas enjoyable for years and after leaving home I didn’t attend all of them. The day was overstimulating for me (I’m only very recently diagnosed AuDHD) and as the ‘younger’ generation, all serving and clearing up was left to me and siblings/cousins. So I’d just spend the day around lots of noise and running up and down getting things for people, and I’d be exhausted at the end of the day.

Now nearly 20 years on, Christmas at home with my family is far more manageable as grandparents on both sides have passed on and we now do things as a much smaller unit. And we also cater. It’s much more enjoyable for everyone

Far too many children in my eyes and I’d be one of the parents bringing 3. 😅

Why do two children get room priority over your adult child?

The box room has bunk beds, no double bed. The spare room only has space for a double bed and the furniture. We put DS upstairs as it would mean they were on the same floor as their children.

She’s built a life away from you all and probably just doesn’t feel like she has much in common. Maybe as she ages and potentially has children of her own she might reconnect with you all.

So again she’s the afterthought.

I in my 30’s would rather sleep on a bottom bunk than a dining room fold out bed to be awoken by others children.

I don’t get why you are stage managing her relationship with her siblings. Do they see each other at other times? How about asking her up just to see you at New Year? What’s it like when you visit her in London, do you have a good time together?

I agree with this. It sounds like she is doing really really well in her career and would like her parents to recognise her achievements and be proud of her.

Instead, when she goes home she is expected to focus on her nephews and nieces; and feels that her career choices are less valued than staying near home and having a baby. I can see why that might not be an attractive proposition!

She simply sounds immature. Her behaviour sounds more like a 12 or 15 year old's.

She'll probably grow up at some point and feel ashamed.

When was she told she would be sleeping in the dining room?

And when was she told there would be 15 children there for Christmas?