DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

Oh bugger off with this. It's her money, she's earned it, she can spend it how she likes. How grabby and entitled.

Some people feel really awkward and uncomfortable around kids. It sounds like you'll be hosting quite a few over the xmas period. She may already know of your expectation that she should be interacting with them. And that's what she's trying to avoid.

That said she should have told you she wasn't coming when you initially asked her, not leave it until the day she's supposed to travel.

Not buying her nieces and nephews christmas presents seems a bit off. Unless she's strapped for cash.

Super independent isn’t always a good trait in children. It can mean they feel they have to be independent rather than they just are. By the sounds of it all though this thread the siblings are the higher thought of.

Explains her independence.

How well do you know her boyfriend? Any chance he could be trying to distance her from the family?

Your DD is as selfish as her generation can be. They only think about themselves. It is one day out of a whole year. It is family time and if I were you I would be very comfortable leaving her out of any inheritance. Yes, she is rude as well.

Op said she was like this before this relatively new bf.

I expect she cancelled at the last minute as she didn’t know how to say ‘No’ and so kept putting it off.

It’s not ideal, but it sounds like she just wants to be able to relax on her time away from a very stressful job and to do so with people she can more easily relate to.

I’d forgive her and hope she enjoys her vacation

It will be different in future years.

Not liking children isn't the same as not liking family. Maybe tell her that you think it's sad she's not building a relationship with them. She sounds self-impressed. And yes, it's rude to cancel last minute.

Exactly. If she was constantly overshadowed then she probably had no choice but to be independent.

At what point did you tell them they'd be sleeping in the dining room and that Uncle Tom Cobbly and All would also be there?

Only asking as i'm curious if when they offered to stay in a hotel, and you told them there was room, if they knew then that they'd get the dining room while everyone else got the bedrooms.. or if they knew how many people were coming in total.

If you'd let them book a hotel, they might have still come, because at least they they could have escaped the melee that will ensue on xmas in a full house.

In my previous answer I said that the last minute cancellation was bad.

However as the single (afterthought) child I can understand the difficulty of not having her own room as there will be no space to retreat to if the noise/kids become too much

But all the people expecting the sister to attend and be uncomfortable are only thinking about themselves. You expecting people to bow down to tradition due to "obligation" are only thinking about yourselves and what you want with no consideration of how she might be feeling.

I'm curious what happened the last time she cancelled and the reasons she gave. Also, how many small kids we talking here? I'm picturing a manic house like at the start of Home Alone 😆

I think you’re bringing your own issues onto this thread and (aggressively) projecting.

I don’t sleep on fold up beds either, I say that I’m booking a hotel and just do it!

Honestly, I’d just ask her to please not do this again and forget about it. Some people do assume that they can treat their families worse than other people and need to be reminded that you do expect to be treated politely. If she can’t make it, fine, but she should’ve at least apologized to you for the last-minute change, just as she would to anyone else.

I reckon she's a bit of a brat, she was the youngest and got loads of fuss and attention, now the attention is on the next generation she's not getting as much fuss and the focus is on the kids and she doesn't like it.

Just seen she’s a junior lawyer at a US firm. Perhaps she’s expecting to be required to work on short notice over the festive season? Very common. That said, if that were the case she could have said so.

She’s done very well for herself and will be living a life which feels a million miles away from domesticity and kids. She might - despite the generous salary - absolutely hate it but feel trapped in it. I’m a lawyer, several of my friends have worked, or do work, for US firms. It’s hard to give up that kind of income once you have it; it’s equally hard to accept that as a UK lawyer in a US firm you are highly unlikely ever to make partner in that firm and might be happier on a lower (but still good) salary in a firm with better work/life balance and better progression prospects. But at 26 I’d imagine she’s still quite caught up in the “glamour” of it all. It’ll wear off, I guarantee it.

So she's basically been completely self-sufficient and supported herself financially through student loans and part-time jobs from the age of 18.

I would imagine that you've given loads of help to your other daughters, particularly with child care. Your youngest DD has learned through experience not to ask for or to need anything from you.

Is she the only single , childless sibling ? Maybe she feels very out of place as a result

It sounds a nightmare Christmas if you happen not to be into other people's kids. Which few 26 year olds are.

You had a flipping cheek asking if she'd bought them gifts. I think that rudeness from you more than covers her late-ish cancellation rudeness.

Op already said she didn’t. It was all hand me downs and older siblings and cousins things overshadowing her.

She sounds like a forgotten or shadow child tbh.

Last time she came down with toothache and didn’t want to travel as she wouldn’t be able to eat?

We have 8 grandchildren then my sister and her 2 children and 4 grandchildren and my brother his son and his 3 children on Christmas Day.

Nope, just reading the OP's posts where she says herself that DD's events were always overshadowed by those of her siblings.

I don't even have siblings, FYI, so no sibling issues here 🙄

so to sum up, that young lawyer is:

a partygoer doing nothing but going out and clubbing
an immature, selfish brat
a drug addict
victim of domestic abuse
looking down at her own family
and now stingy too

but the OP rushes to defend her other children that no one attacked in the first place

I am sure I forgot a few other expletive from the thread, but I sincerely hope this thread won't make it to various websites and newspapers. and that the OP's daughter will NEVER see it. Even if she obviously know what her mother thinks of her

OP's DD wanted to get a hotel but OP said they had room for her

It's unclear when she found out that it would be a fold out bed in the dining room.... so no lie-ins for her!