DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

@Lunde so it’s ok to accept the fold out bed and then cancel 3 days in advance?

Is she influenced in any way by her partner ?

Yeah, its rude. I'd be pissed off, but I dont like confrontation so I'd probably tell her I was disappointed and move on.
I know you said she seems mature, but this actually seems like it could be because she's immature.
I am from a large family and have seen similar behaviour in younger siblings, and they've mostly grown out of it.

It's very easy when you're young and successful and loving your own life, to forget that other people outside your immediate every day circle actually love and want to spend time with you.
It's easy not understand the world your family live in and find it very dull and tedious, yet overwhelming at the same time.

I hope that one day she looks back and cringes at what a selfish knob she was.

You have your answer right there. Whether she is earning well (which she will be) is not the issue here. It is the fact that her time is not her own. If by some sheer dumb luck she gets time away from her computer, she will not have time to engage as you expect her too. You have no idea what working in these firms is like. You are expected to be on call 24/7. She will also not just be working UK hours but also US hours too. She is going to be working long hours. What you consider partying may also be hosting clients to retain business. Which may look fun but also requires you to be on your A game. I imagine if she does get some downtime she will want 5 minutes peace - not having to be on her A game yet again being expected to perform for extended family that she doesn't know and probably doesn't have the band width left to deal with. Yes she was wrong to say she was coming but in actual fact maybe she very much hoped she would get to see you but work is in the way. Maybe her friends are work colleagues and they are all likely to be on the clock over Christmas. Maybe she doesn't want to see nieces and nephews because she would like a family but doesn't know how to achieve it while working on her career. You are within your rights to be disappointed that you are not getting to see her but don't assume she doesn't want to see you.

Lots of us don’t really enjoy being round young kids, but as an adult you have to suck it up for family, especially if you’ve already made a commitment to attend. We all have to do things we’d rather not, like having your MIL round for dinner or buying a gift for your tight-arsed BIL. Or yes, pretending we’re interested in little Sebastian’s rendition of Twinkle twinkle little star.

My guess is that she hasn’t bought gifts and feels she can’t show up empty handed so she’s made an excuse to cry off.

Why a fold out bed in the dining room?

What happened to her bedroom from when she lived there?

OP the message is clear: she's not that into you all.
Make of it what you can.

Bet she wanted your support though when a bit younger! My son lives in London and is 27 - he comes back to Bath around every 6 weeks and we usually see him in the middle of that over there as go there for business. Is she is touch a fair bit even if not coming over ?

So she's the most beautiful, sporty and intelligent child (objectively). The only one to go to uni and now lawyer at American firm so is earning very well.

I think she thinks she's superior to all of you and might be ashamed of where she comes from. Clearly not bothered to see any of you or keep in touch. Doesn't want to interact with children because she's just selfabsorbed and selfish.She sounds insufferable tbh. I wouldn't want to have her home for christmas so maybe you dodged a bullet.

We have moved since then into a smaller home.

@thepariscrimefiles “undemanding part time job” you really didnt need to use job snobbery to make your point.

It sounds like she has been dreading it and dislikes children. I think you need an honest conversation as she could lose her relationships with her siblings completely. Maybe that’s what she wants. It’s not good for her to have let you down so late but I think you need to tread carefully about what is really going on for her.

Your DD was the first one to go to Uni, she's had a good education and sees a new world of opportunities that will give her a good career and a decent salary. She comes home and everything is about family and she doesn't feel she has anything in common anymore. I expect she meant to make the effort this year but at the last minute she got a better offer and jumped at it.
It doesn't mean she doesn't love you anymore but no doubt it's hard to be the odd one out who doesn't want what the rest of the family wants

You don't have to do any of those things - I certainly don't.

Oh forgot she's stingy as well not getting gifts for her nieces and nephews while being on a high salary.

It's fair enough that she doesn't want to come but she should have said something sooner, not the day she's supposed to arrive, doing that is very rude.

You're making her and her boyfriend stay on a pull out bed in the dining room. No privacy whatsoever, no peace and quiet from all the mayhem, and at the mercy of both those who are last to bed and first awake. I can't say that sounds appealing.

Additionally, you seem to really talk down on her. You acknowledge that she's followed a different path to her siblings, how her accomplishments are always overshadowed, and the way you speak about her is incredibly disapproving. Even if to her face you're nice enough about it, the judgement absolutely seeps through.

Being the childless/childfree one is exhausting. You end up having the kids dumped on you because you're expected to play the role of "fun aunt/uncle", even tho you didn't sign up for it. You're treated like a child for not having children (as shown by being treated to the pull out bed in the dining room) - which is amplified when you're the only one who doesn't have children / isn't following a traditional life path. You're expected to make all the effort to meet everybody else where they're at, but nobody makes the effort for you. Any effort you do make isn't appreciated because it's "never enough".

How much do her sisters and cousins make effort with her? Do they send her birthday cards and Christmas cards? Do they acknowledge and celebrate her accomplishments outside of childbearing? I would be less inclined to put the effort into family who can't be bothered to do it for me. Especially with the air of judgement that seems to follow her around.

You're perfectly entitled to feel put out and she's perfectly entitled to not want to attend. Maybe next time try and make it a more appealing offer to her. Perhaps an actual bedroom with privacy for example?

My DS is 24 so similar age and I would find this extremely rude also if he did it. In your shoes I think I would be rather cool with her for a while. Fine if she wants to have her child-free Christmas with friends. She could have arranged that well before now, since the existence of all the nieces and nephews isn’t new this year.

Honestly not really! She was super independent from a young age, moved to London for uni and worked part time, our combined income meant she was entitled to quite a large student loan and we couldn’t really give her loads on top of that.
She ignores the family group chat most of the time and if I do ring her it almost always goes unanswered. I appreciate she is busy though.

Yeah I think the sleeping in the dining room was likely the last straw considering she already offered a hotel and was told no no we have space.

Busy job those American bosses don’t like you to take a second. House full of children she doesn’t particularly care for and then cannot even escape to a bedroom. Clearly didn’t feel she could insist on getting her own hotel as an escape either so cancelled last minute when she realised just how hellish it would be

It sounds like she has a very different life to you all now. I think a PP may be right- she planned to come but is knackered from work and just wants to chill. A busy family Christmas is too much for some people.

I would try and put a date in for early next year.

Clearly you've missed all the posts from the OP where all the DD's events and achievements were overshadowed because her siblings always came first.

I'd not bother to come home either, I don't think. Nothing to do with feeling "too good" but more about feeling like I was no longer having to live in my siblings' shadows.

I think it's as simple as this.
And I bet that the parents of said kids think that the child free sibling and partner would just love to play and amuse them whilst they have themselves a bit of adult wine time in the kitchen.
I was a mum by her age but I totally get it.
Her 'Bad' is she just said yes to coming in October to avoid any aggro and then getting nearer the time, her and her partner (I especially understand why the partner wouldn't want to go as he has no connection really to all these relatives) she just did a last minute duck out.
That's poor behaviour for sure but @calypsolypsothere's a reason she felt she couldn't say no in October. Could be something as simple as she didn't want to upset you?

Pretty rude to cancel so late in the day. Not only were you looking forward to seeing her but you’re catering for more people than are coming now. She clearly has a better off. I get it that sometimes it’s nice to stay home, and not squeezed into childhood home. I was secretly pleased when Boris said we couldn’t leave zone 4 in 2020 that for the first time in my life, I didn’t have to travel 250 miles each way and be squashed into a room with my now adult DC. But i’d never say I was going then pull out.

Nobody has to do any of these things. It is a choice to partake in or care about the idea of family obligations.