DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

Are you ok?
Did you have a traumatic experience with a hand me down jumper?

If the Christmas you host is so child focussed she probably doesn’t think that you’d really notice or care if she’s not there, so it’s not a big deal to back out last minute….

Your family sounds a bit like my extended family. My cousins have all had kids (and some step kids), and some of them have had kids, and I can’t keep up. Last time I went to a big family gathering I felt like I only knew two or three of the people there! It wasn’t really fun, because I kept having the same conversation over and over again with different people. There was also an atmosphere of children and grandchildren being the only things worth celebrating or talking about.

Maybe your youngest dd, having broadened her horizons at uni and in a bigger city, has found other things that are more interesting to her at the moment. It does sound as if your family gathering is very, very focused around everyone’s kids- not just her siblings’ children but also her cousins’ children as well. If she’s not into kids then it sounds horrendous, and if she’s fending off questions from other rellies about when she might have kids, that would be annoying too.

Your take, not mine. I’ve been on the thread since the start and have increasingly felt this.

Why is it not her fault, as the parent, that her child's efforts and big events were constantly overshadowed?

She hardly interacts with her siblings these days. She sees DS but never with his wife or children, doesn’t bother with her sisters at all. Barely replies in the family group chat. Took her 2 weeks to congratulate her sister on the birth of their last baby.

It sounds like she might have been building it up in her head until the idea became completely overwhelming.

You can tell her she’s selfish etc, but all it’s going to do is push her further away. I would just be there if she wants to come back to you …

Sounds like she agreed to make you happy but was dreading it. She should have spoke up sooner, it was rude to leave it so late. Some people just don’t like big family get togethers where you have to put on a face and pretend to have a good time. Stop asking her to be someone she’s not and let your adult children deal with their own relationships. What’s with the meeting the cousins children ? It all sounds like forced family fun.

There is definitely an undercurrent of disapproval of your daughter’s lifestyle coming across in your posts OP and an expectation that she should fit into your family’s life but little consideration of hers

You are expecting her to come and interact with her siblings and cousins and their various offspring but doesn’t sound like you put the same pressure put on your other children to interact with your youngest and get involved in her life

I wouldn’t be surprised if she is feeling this subconscious disapproval and doesn’t want to spend a week being looked down on for moving away and having a different life to her siblings

It is rude and selfish in my opinion. But I also know from experience that some people just aren't bothered about their family, even at Christmas. These people don't care about being an auntie/cousin etc whereas others love it.

It is very strange that you seem more proud of your other DC's non-careers than your DD's prestigious law career that she would have worked really hard for. Your post comes across dismissive of your DD's hard work and achievements with the "not all careers need a degree" comment when your other DC don't really have careers.

Are you jealous of your DD?

Even though your DD is being rude, I do have some sympathy for her.
When I was a youngish working child-free adult the best thing about going home was being 'looked after' again, just being able to sit around and not be an adult for a bit, be plied with food and watch Christmas TV. If there's already another generation then she won't get any of that.
Before I chose to have kids (and in the full knowledge that I would likely want them one day) I remember feeling quite viscerally that as I hadn't had kids I didn't want to be put out by them in any way.

How dismissive.

Being the one with all the hand me downs who is constantly overshadowed is utterly awful.

It’s perfectly ok not to want to be around screaming kids at Christmas in your 20s or sleep on a put up bed. It’s really rude and thoughtless to cancel at the last minute though.

It’s really not.
I think if these were your biggest traumas during childhood, you were very lucky and should hold your families close.

Getting hand me downs was a HIGHLIGHT of my childhood. Get some perspective

Yes, this jumped out at me as well.

Also from @calypsolypso ‘s comments about where they live and where her son works, I am fairly sure about which part of the country they are from and it’s not too far from where I grew up. I can tell you that people there can be very insular and dismissive of anyone who moves away. It’s also fairly working-class and right wing, and as a previous poster mentioned, the DD is more likely to mix with more middle-class and left-wing circles, which can cause conflict in my experience. You can feel like you just don’t fit in anymore.

@Newsenmum It’s not about stooping to the daughter’s level, it’s about showing her that relationships are mutual and need to be respected and nurtured. It’s a life lesson.

I love my children, but I also expect respect and kindness from them. If they won’t show me that, then I’m not going to spend my life putting up with that. Constantly being cancelled on is very hurtful. Sounds like the daughter gives zero shits about any of her family.

OP, I think your daughter probably feels she doesn’t have much in common with her siblings and maybe even her parents now because her life is so different to everyone else’s.

It’s terribly bad form to let you down at the last minute and I think I’d be telling her that. I would also say it’s her decision to stay away at Christmas and she’s allowed to say why but she clearly hasn’t considered anyone else’s feelings in what she has said.

In your shoes, I’d say you will miss her and hope she can come up at another point soon.

Nobody said anything about trauma.

The fact that other people go through much worse doesn't mean OP's daughter should just "hold her family close".

Especially when said family clearly don't like her much.

Life in London at 26 is huge fun, especially when you have a group of friends. She probably heard their plans and decided they offered more than being at home.
Its very rude of her and very selfish.
Young Londoners( and maybe other cities as well) se!em to grow up more slowly.
I hope she will mature and realise how hurtful her behaviour is.
One of my children hugely enjoyed her London life but always appeared at Christmas.

OP, I’d have this thread deleted.
People are guessing your location and I feel you’re being unfairly targeted for simply answering questions.

DD sounds like she thinks herself and her life superior to the paths her siblings have chosen. It is unforgivable imo to not even congratulate a sibling on the birth of their child. I knew a few from my (normal but academic) friends who did similar to their families. Gone up in the world and too good for the rest of their family.

TBH I wouldn't be happy on a fold out bed in the dining room for 5 days in a house full of kids.

I can understand why you feel upset OP, I would too and she is being incredibly self centred.
Take care OP

This.

And its quite okay not to want a relationship with your cousin's kids.

Do her siblings make any effort to see her throughout the year? If not, I can't say I'd be rushing home to meet their sprogs.

Nope - it sounds more like her family have constantly dismissed her and ignored her achievements, so she's decided she can't be arsed to waste her time with them.