DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

I’d put money on it being because she feels too different to all of her siblings/the rest of her family now. She’s gone down a very different path to the rest of her siblings and I’d bet that she no longer has any friends that she’s kept in touch with local to you either. She clearly feels like her entire life is down in London now and resents having to go back up north to visit family members that she has nothing in common with anymore. I’d guess that she earns a lot more money than everyone else in the family, visits completely different places, eats at very different restaurants, holidays in different countries etc to everybody else and therefore feels like there isn’t much common ground anymore. All of this would be highlighted even further if she has no interest in children yet everyone else in the family has them.

Is the whole family very working class OP? Nothing wrong with this obviously, but maybe DD is a little embarrassed by this as it would be very rare in American law firms in London. Much more likely that DD works mostly with oxbridge educated/rich/upper middle class.

A very hard pill to swallow OP, but I’ve seen it many, many times before. Maybe the novelty of London will eventually wear off and she’ll regain an interest in her family, or just become more and more distant as time goes on.

Why on earth would she need help from her siblings moving house (ever heard of removal firms)?, or want to move home away from her career and friends if she splits up with her BF. Maybe her siblings should use their time travelling to London to see her?

Not if she works for a US law firm…

Her mum said that. That she was “forever out clubbing and partying”. And I was replying to her post.

Your daughter isn't interested in children. She's not bothered about her nieces/nephews or her cousins children. She doesn't want to interact with them. You expect her to engage and interact with the children in the family - she doesn't want too - so that means any interaction is forced and as such a fake performance. To keep up that kind of performance, is draining and it builds resentment.

I agree that your daughter should never have agreed in coming home for Christmas, if she really didn't want too and cancelling this late, is rude and shows a lack of consideration.

Your daughter isn't particularly interested in her siblings, other than her brother, who she has a hobby in common. Of course it would be lovely if all your children were close, but sadly that's not the case. Your daughter has very little in common with her siblings. Their lives are vastly different to hers, they also have children, which she doesn't.

Have you suggested your daughter visits with her boyfriend at another time? In that she's only seeing you and your husband? You can't force her to visit, all you can do is give her the opportunity. If that means you are visiting her more, then unfortunately to maintain any kind of relationship with her, that's how it will be.

The late cancellation is rude obviously.

It sounds like she’s at a different life stage to her siblings and that ok.

I think you are expecting too much asking her if she’s bought presents for kids and expecting her to be interested in her cousin’s kids.

I also think she should have acknowledged her sister’s baby before two weeks and make more of an effort to see you.

I’ve worked in those big firms. The focus was always work, & romance, quite a young workforce no major chit chat about kids. And the firm I worked for wasn’t an American firm. American firms are hard to survive & she probably wants a rest at Christmas.

id suggest when you message her make it about her, acknowledge that she wants a break, acknowledge that it is all very child
centred. And tell her you want to see her and why. Not because of what she can do for a sibling or their child. Offer to do something she likes adults only - pub, walk in the woods etc.

Does she has some difficulties being at home eg upsetting time at school? Im just wondering why she hasnt wanted to come back.

And yes it’s very unfair upsetting to do this to you so last minute. Id be kind but firm and say youre really upset.

Makes even more sense that her dp is an only child. She clearly prefers the quieter side of family life. I can tell you op that your home with all the family , kids and then cousins is exactly the type of home I just loathed big occasions. It’s nothing you have done wrong, it’s just her personality. It’s too loud, too busy, too many people and just emotionally drained me. Also sounds like she has far too many siblings and she can just choose who she has similarities to.

Not going home will be less pressure for her. Leave her alone.

This is exactly what I was thinking. It would be excruciating being surrounded by all those children while pretending you’re not interested in having children.
Or is it possible there is something else going on like an eating disorder? A big Christmas feast with all the extended family would be a complete nightmare. Maybe she thought she could go through with it but now realises it’s too much.
Agree with previous poster who suggested seeing her in a much more low key way during the year rather than with all the pressure that comes with Christmas and big family celebrations

Chances are that she is wrecked tired after continuously working long hours that go with her very good job, and the thoughts of the long journey and child centric Christmas are just too much for her just now.

She probably planned to attend up until the last minute but when it actually came to it, she just couldn’t face it.

Instead she will chill at home with boy friend and make the best of her free time, before
jumping back into work once more in the New Year.

Give the girl a break. Let her know that you are disappointed and will miss her, but don’t make a big thing out of it. Keep the pressure off and lines of communication open.
As somebody mentioned above, when you phone her/she phones you on Christmas Day, make time for her, even if it is just for a short uninterrupted chat.

Also you could check in with your DS and ask if he has any insights as to why she cancelled last minute?

There’s a few things here:

1. yes she shouldn’t have cancelled last minute that’s a bit rude.
2. she probably doesn’t like big family get togethers, she might not like being around kids and distant family making small talk.
3. she could have fertility issues or just not be interested in kids. Not wanting to be passed the baby or the toddler with a snotty nose.

OP you need to message and say you are a bit disappointed as you got lots of her favourite snacks / drinks in. Then suggest she’s comes up on a quieter weekend in January when there’s less pressure from extended family. Don’t make it about meeting nephews abs nieces. Offer a quiet weekend and if she wants to meet family keep it short and for a few hours not a full on weekend.

It doesn’t sound like you’re at all upset about not seeing her. You only seem bothered about her not paying enough attention (in your eyes) to her siblings’ children.
If this is how it comes across to her, it’s no wonder she doesn’t want to visit.

She absolutely shouldn’t have changed the plan last minute but perhaps she felt worried about your reaction if she told you earlier that she didn’t want to visit?

I think in your shoes I’d be more worried than angry

Just wondering if she was staying in a hotel or with you? If she was staying with you, did she assigned a bedroom with a real bed?

No she had a wonderful time at school, lots of friends, very popular. She lost touch with many of her school friends as most went to unis in the north like Lancaster or Newcastle but she went down to London.

I’ve read the first 10 comments about her being unreasonable and rude etc, I’m going to put a spin on it and ask how her relationship is with her boyfriend and have you met him/seen him much? My ex boyfriend was a controlling asshole who preferred me to hang out with his friends and family and didn’t have any interest in being around mine. Could it be that HE doesn’t want to come to yours for Xmas and she doesn’t want to leave him and come up alone?

This post gave me a sharp intake. You sound like you don’t like her.

I think she’s being incredibly selfish and rude to cancel so late in the season.

And I’m guessing your other children are pretty upset she makes zero effort to see them or their children.

I’d make very little effort now. Perhaps a card on her birthday and Christmas but otherwise, let her put some effort in. She’s not the youngest small child anymore, she’s a grown responsible adult and can take responsibility for her relationships.

You seem determined to downplay your youngest DD's academic and career successes. It is obvious that you value your older daughters more than your youngest for their childbearing and child raising abilities and you put their undemanding part-time jobs on the same level as your younger daughter's high-flying and, I would imagine, very stressful and competitive job with a prestigious law firm.

You son has a skilled job via an apprenticeship and he seems to be the only member of the family that is on your youngest DD's wavelength.

Yeah I agree.
Do you have a difficult relationship op? What was your last conversation before she bailed?

I wouldn’t make a big issue of it @calypsolypso but I’d say to her that she knows it’s rude to cancel at the last minute so please don’t do this to us again. Then for get it and move on.

I get why you are upset OP, but looked at another way, DD was planning to come (because you wanted her to, and she wanted to please you), but she just couldn't face it at the last minute. Not because she dislikes you, but because she dislikes being with children and feels put in a false position by it. And at this stage of her life, she's more interested in spending time with friends and partner than in spending time with her parents and sibling and cousins etc, which is not unusual for someone in their twenties.
For someone like yourself who is very focused on the wider family, her need to distance herself must be feel strange and hurtful, but if you could see DD instead as a surprisingly different type of person from yourself, perhaps a different type of person than many of her close relatives, it may not seem so bad. Let go of your expectations and let her be herself. Perhaps in the summer you could invite her and her partner to come for a quiet weekend (no children present), just to have some walks and nice meals and catch up with you and her dad - no need to be Aunty or meet small energetic people she feels she has nothing in common with. It might go better.But if she doesn't want to come, at least you can see her in London, so it's not all bad.

They were staying with us, we were planning on them sleeping in the dining room on the fold out bed but could have shuffled it around if they wanted a different room.

No she doesn’t! Stop trying to make OP feel bad for something that really isn’t her fault.

I dont think this is a good idea. She will always be her mum and should always show her that love, not stoop to her level.