DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

This was me. I was single till 33, lived 300 miles from family. Never went home for a family Xmas since 21. Not interested in small children or random people.

Agree!

She sounds a bit selfish OP, sorry.
Just because she is a young professional, living in London ( not sure why that should matter) doesn’t mean she can’t spare a bit of time with family.

What is this “ having to perform “
nonsense??

Every time you respond to the question of whether the siblings make effort with her, you either dodge it or turn it back to what she does/doesn't do. Not giving a straight answer suggests you know the answer is no.

When christmas is done why not call her or facetime and try to gently unpick what the issue is and how you can make her feel more welcome back home? She might say she'll come but she wants at least a day without kids around her for example which would be something you could look at. Be careful not to alienate her.

Why can't some posters accept that she doesn't like children? I don't, didn't have any fertility problems (in fact got pregnant very easily twice) but made damn sure I didn't have children.

At age 26 @calypsolypso's Christmas would have been my worst nightmare. I would have avoided it like the plague.

The only mistake she's made is not making her feelings clearer earlier.

Well if the American law firm she’s working for is like most of them I expect that she’s still got a whole heap of work to do, is being pressured to be available over the break, has overcommitted to her family that she’d get home on Monday, couldn’t face a 5 or 6 hour train journey in Christmas Eve when she eventually does get away and doesn’t want to spend 3/4/5 days with a extended family, cousins, children of cousins and people she doesn’t have much in common with!

She’s got her own life in London, and simply can’t or won’t take an entire week to spend with family. She overcommitted by agreeing in the first place, but took the path of least resistance to avoid the inevitable pressure to change her mind. As another post has pointed out, sometimes it’s easier to to cancel at the last minute minute rather than face months of disappointment and drip drip drip pressure to change her mind…

the issue with this is that even if OP is prepared to keep an open door, the rest of the family might not feel the same - in 5/10 years time if her dd has kids or wants help moving house or breaks up with her partner and comes home, her siblings and nieces/nephews might not want anything to do with her if she hasn't made even the most basic effort of keeping in touch.

She could be the one sitting at the big 70th birthday/2035 Christmas complaining that her DC are left out by all their cousins, or everyone else is laughing about "Do you remember when Grandad...." and she wasn't there.

I think this attitude is commendable, but I would ensure that you aren't going too far the other way. For example, are you making time to do outings/activities that reflect your youngest interests as well as taking the grandkids out for the day? Do you ask her about work?

It is tricky in families where kids take very different paths: I'm the child in one, so I know. I was also wondering whether your grandkids came along while she was doing A levels/uni and she felt a bit like you stopped being her parent, because you focussed on the grandkids?

Or maybe she doesn’t at all, but her family has projected their own ideas as to what she must think about them onto her, and like to take every opportunity they get to put her in (what they believe to be) her place.

There are those that look down on family members that haven’t done as well as them socioeconomically, sure, but equally there are lot of people that are openly disdainful of family members they perceive as getting above themselves.

Wtf??! So now the DD is a drug user?!! Because she doesn’t like kids, moved to London and has an impressive legal career? 😂

You handled it badly. Take the pressure off. Don’t expect her to be an involved aunt or bring presents for nieces and nephews. Just say you were looking forward to seeing her and her boyfriend and had gone to a lot of effort to get in things that you know they like.

I think she was wrong to leave it until the last minute to tell you she isn't coming, that is not fair to you, but I do understand her reasons. It could be overwhelming.

I know she seems selfish and inconsiderate but she is only 26 after all and leading an independent life with her man.

In future it might be better to 'do' a little Christmas celebration before Christmas or later, in the new year, with just her and boyfriend.

Suggest a weekend in the new year to her and keep their Christmas presents until then. When they come, don't go on and on about the children.

I doubt she’s unaware tbh. She may not be at all bothered by that, now or in the future.

Another perspective for you. We had these massive type Christmas when I was young. Lots of cousins and family etc. it was normal. And I cannot tell you how much I loathed it. Couldn’t explain then as a child but later on found it being introverted. Her description of it expecting to ‘perform’ tells me it could be something like this.

Sorry if it’s already been asked, but is there a political divide? Uni grad in their twenties in London is probably more left wing … do your family have more traditional/conservative views or reform etc? It’s a classic that families after a few drinks can get a bit heated or say things that offend others and the country is very ideologically divided right now.

It sounds like you give him space to express his preferences, without becoming upset or offended. This, perhaps is the crucial difference between your adult child and the OP's child.

No. Because she’s is always “clubbing and partying” and has cancelled plans last minute. Also it isn’t a fact it’s a guess like everything else on this thread.

How do you your other kids feel about it anyway? I’d feel so hurt if my sister didn’t acknowledge my baby being born for two weeks.

I am. very well and you?

YOU said: If she is forever out clubbing and partying she could be into recreational drugs and therefore travelling home to be with you when she could stay home and party and consume drugs and alcohol might be her preferred option.

You make it sound like she doesn't have a very busy very demanding a full time job, famous for their ridiculous hours and expectations, on junior (and senior) staff.

Not sure how and why you suddenly describe her as a drug user because she has no interest in random babies? 😂

I think some pps are over thinking this - it sounds to me more like they had a last minute invitation to join a group of friends and that appealed more than being around so many kids.
It is rude to change her mind so late, although I don't really blame her for wanting to if big family gathering isn't her bag. Have you asked her to come after xmas instead when it will be just the 4 of you?

but we're not guessing she works full time, the OP said it! 😂

It's not snobby at all, there's a difference between a job and a career plus how the hell would you know how happy they are?

To me it sounds like your family Christmas is very child centred and that just isn’t for her. It sounds like maybe also she feels like she has moved into a different social class/value system and so doesn’t feel like she has much in common at all with her sibs? The fact she bottled it last minute - which yes is very rude - suggests she did intend to go and then felt she just couldn’t face it.

26 is still really young so I doubt it’s that she has baby envy. I would wonder about there being some deeper issue in the family though for her to visit you so little. Was she picked on by her siblings? Does she feel like she’s been valued and praised for her achievements? Has there been abuse? These are the questions I’d be asking myself.

Agree that the dd shouldn’t be cancelling last minute.

BUT - the OP! It sounds like she feels dd is “getting above herself” and that she’d have been far happier if the dd had a nice little job near home, had married her childhood boyfriend and already had three kids.

Also agree with one of first posters that the OP should tell her they’re all disappointed but would love to have her back home for the weekend at a quieter time.

At 26 I would have groaned at the thought of having to spend time, let alone play , with cousins’ babies and children. My heart still sinks at the thought! I like my own dcs well enough but quite a few people are not born to be kids’ entertainers…

Oh yes I was wondering this as well. In fact my first thought was, are you all reform voters/massive tories? If so that’s almost definitely your answer

The short notice is very poor form but I think you may need to accept that she just doesn’t have a lot in common with the rest of the family and actively dislikes children.
This may change over time (not that unusual to change your mind about kids as the clock ticks) but still lots of us, even if we love our own kids, hate to be around other people’s. This isn’t wrong, though the short notice - and the lack of congratulations to her sister re the birth do suggest she’s a bit disconnected.
I’d focus on keeping the communication lines open - don’t do anything that suggests you value her siblings more as they’ve produced grandchildren. I’m not suggesting you would have done this deliberately but it’s possible that, with a very child centred Christmas, she has been left feeling the odd one out in the past and can’t face a repeat.