DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

What a cunty post.

Either you ain’t that happy family you think you are or she can’t have children and it hurts her, something deep is going on with her and you just think she’s being rude no I think something is up like I said either she doesn’t like most of you for some reason or she’s having a hard time having a baby or something else.. she doesn’t have to come but then not giving you a reason is screaming you and the family are toxic and she doesn’t want to be around you or this is a big what if maybe the boyfriend is controlling and abuses and he is making her do this… I be going to my baby girl and seeing what is wrong

This is it.

She's young, independent and enjoying the life she's built in the city, which, by the sounds of it, is a far cry from the life she's expected to live at home.

Agree with others that you sound very judgey of her decisions.

If it is out of character, I would be a bit worried. It is pretty unusual behaviour from a fully functioning 26 year old.

I have just skim read your posts OP. The comment about booking a hotel if you didn’t have room was interesting- would they have had their own bedroom to sleep in ?

Really bad to cancel a few hours before you're meant to arrive. That's so far from being acceptable!
Maybe ask if she'd like to / be free to visit (eg) 28th to 30th or whatever.

I can understand your disappointment to a certain degree. However there is so much pressure at this time of year it can be overwhelming for people. My daughter was meant to come Christmas morning but has had to change plans last minute. I'm sad not to see her but but she's an adult and has her own priorities that I respect. Whatever you do please don't show disappointment it won't help your relationship.

She has a very different life to the rest of your family. She likely struggles to relate to you, and you to her. Family members stepping away from the established family ‘norms’, and into different a socioeconomic position, can very often be a source of tension and awkwardness, with each party at least feeling judged.

I doubt there’s any deeper, hidden reason/tragic backstory behind her disinterest in kids. Some people just really aren’t interested in them and find the idea of a kid centric Christmas to be something from the deeper regions of hell.

She’s clearly signposted that she isn’t going to be the doting aunt cooing over and spoiling her nieces and nephews, so maybe drop any expectations you have of her stepping into that role. And indeed any expectations of her living the kind of life the type of life you and the rest of your children do.

Where she went wrong imo was agreeing to visit in the first place if she knew then that she didn’t actually want to.

I was like that at 26 too. I was the only one not to marry young and have children and the only one to have gone to uni and had a decent career. My parents were obsessed with their grandchildren and rarely showed an interest in me and my life - probably because it was alien to them. I don’t know. All I know is that I was the same as yiur daughter then and had no interest in that life, wasn’t bothered about the children and increasingly avoided them all until I barely had any contact with any of them except one brother and my dad.

im 51 now and you know what? I still feel the same. They and their lives bore me. I’m not interested in what their children get up to and certainly not interested in interacting with them all. My mother died years ago and I don’t miss her at all. My one brother who is more interesting and my dad are the only ones I’m interested in. I could walk past my nieces and nephews and not recognise them and couldn’t care less. Some of us want a different life and that sounds like your daughter. Let her live it and unless you don’t care if she loses contact with you, try and show a bit of interest in her as a person rather than her role as sister and aunt.

I’m just not reading that nastiness tbh

yes you can have a cushy corporate job but DH and I were in the crazy hours roles so I do get it. But despite DHs family being abroad we both made the effort to see our families when we could!

Wow OP, the more I read the more I can see why she isn’t coming!

She sounds like a fabulously successful young woman to me. Good on her. I just really hope nobody sees this who knows your family as you have given quite a lot of identify info. She may find out and completely cut you off.

I think it was bad for her to say she would come and then back out at a late stage - it sounds a bit like she couldn't face it that the last minute

But I will also say that I have been in her situation and backed out of a couple of Christmases because I couldn't face a noisy/totally child centred Christmas. In my 20s

I worked a very stressful job that involved exams every December for 4 years and I wanted to have Christmases as a chance to relax and recharge - but for my mother it was child dominated with no adult time allowed at all as everything was grandchild centred....
.... tut tutting if you had more than one glass of wine "in front of the children"
.... if you went to your room to read someone came to get you for enforced family fun and games
....the kids controlled all TV viewing - day and night - so at 10pm on Christmas Eve adults couldn't watch a film because the kids wanted to see (for the 50th time 🙄) the 3 hour video of their dance recital...
.... not being allowed to sleep in because the kids were up and everyone had to eat as a fam-lee!
.... Panto with Cbeebies stars (the Chuckle brothers 🙄)

So after an especially stressful set of exams me and my partner borrowed a friend's cottage in the Cotswolds and enjoyed a relaxed Christmas with a lot of wine and trips to the pub.

Do her siblings buy her presents?

Declining an invitation is fine but it's not on to accept an invitation then cancel at the last moment for a second time for no good reason. It's not like she is ill and unwell to travel. I'd post her one gift after Xmas. I'd keep her stocking gifts. I'd step back a bit and not travel to visit her next year. Wait for her to travel to you. Maybe she will realise her actions have consequences. As long as you do all the running around after her she won't change unless she has DC of her own but by then she may well have burned her bridges with her siblings and cousins.

Based on experience, I can't believe that children are on the radar for most professionals under 30 in London. The vast majority of my uni friends and acquaintances, and colleagues, have however gone on to have children in their 30s.

I think you do need to tread carefully here, @calypsolypso . I don't think it's too far from a situation where your DD might estrange from all of you. Of course it's very rude of her to cancel on the day. Posters on this thread have said vile things about your daughter and the backlash is posters who are attacking you. Both are extreme and unhelpful. I think there are issues about where she fits in your family. You do sound a bit defensive about your other children. You obviously do centre children in your family. I"m not surprised she doesn't want to be in the middle of this. I think it was ill-advised to ask her about presents for nieces and nephews. It's great that you and her dad have made the effort to visit her regularly. I would encourage you to ask yourself whether you really like your DD or whether there's something that gets in the way of you loving her. I think it's important to keep making time for her and to have space to try and understand her. When you said you'll call on Christmas Day, make that time for her, not a circus where you're surrounded by 49 other people. There is work to do on this relationship, if you want her stick around.

it seems quite common for them to stay in the young child free phase much longer than they would at home.

But your daughter is only 26, in a newish relationship, not long finished her training.

I'm not sure why anyone would be thinking that kids would be featuring at all!

Wow. That's a snobby judgement. They all provide for their families and appear to be happy.

Assuming she's not suddenly found out she's pregnant and isn't struggling with infertility she's possibly exhausted from work. US law firms work long hours even complying with English employment law. Christmas is 'special' because the rest of the UK stops too so this fortnight may be the only chance she gets to have leave from work that isn't leave where she's still responding to emails and in touch with colleagues.

Yes there's arguments about challenging the culture to make sure she gets to take leave and get time away from work at other points in the year. And there's arguments about moving to an English firm/ out of London. But she may be so caught up in her work as to not be able to think about any of that.

Also, being with you and not having a car may be very isolating if you're quite rural making it hard for her and her partner to visit other places / friends. Assuming one of them drives can you offer them the use of a car when they visit?

Yes, rude to cancel at the last minute - she may well have been up for it when she agreed and not anticipated how she'd be feeling now.

Again, this coming over as quite dismissive of your DD. Can’t you see this? Your DD will have worked so hard to get where she has and will be working even harder to maintain it. Rather than address that in your post and how she might be feeling, the pressure of it all, it’s straight back to your other children and how you value what they’re doing. It sounds like you’re paying no more than lip service to your DD. Trust me, your London DDs standard of living will be a lot higher than your DDs who didn’t go to uni, and that differential will keep growing. You’ve said as much, even simple things like your DD can afford the train fare from London, your DD in London will not be “scraping enough for a caravan holiday”.

TBH you don’t sound like you understand professional life at this level. It’s not equal to being a TA, it will take up a lot of her life, work social events, extremely long hours, research outside work, that 2am wake up worrying over section 233 and how is interacts with s349 and how this impacts a client. Do you dedicate as much time to discussing and understanding your DDs baby, her career as much as the other kids? Do you understand her life?

What is it that you want to do about this development? It sounds like your youngest has taken a different path and feels less connected at this point in her life to her family of origin. As others have said you are entitled to share your views on how offended you are by the late cancellation and the repercussions. As other's have said if you want to maintain a relationship with her you might want to consider how much of your assessment you deliver in that same conversation. She may not want children she may find the expectations that she shows an interest in her family members children claustrophobic. Some people don't have the temperament for younger children but it doesn't mean she won't make a very engaged aunty or second cousin when they are older. Christmas can put a lot of different pressures on people - perhaps she too is trying to find out how to accommodate her two worlds and isn't there yet. You could wait till after Christmas and ask her what is going on and tell her how the lack of visiting makes you feel. Are you prepared to compromise on your expectations if she does say she doesn't want the family gatherings at this point in her life? And what would work for you both?

Being a TA is in no way the same level of achievement as getting a degree and becoming a lawyer. If this is how you talk about it in real life then I’m starting to see why your dd doesn’t visit much. It comes across a little as though you feel the need to downplay her achievements to make her less successful siblings look better in comparison.

are you ok? I didn’t say I knew law firms, I’m guessing why she might be cancelling plans last minute and staying away from family and often drug use and letting people down go hand in hand. And if you think lawyers don’t use drugs - lol.

Really quite outing this thread @calypsolypso . I know your kids ages, narrow down where your son lives, know your DDs professions and the youngest approx location and that her and DS are into the F1…

anyone reading this who knows you will twig its you.

What ls the relationship like with your daughter when you visit her? You said you go three times a year?

anyway my possibilites:

1. she’s having issues with the partner - he’s a control freak and isolating her from family

2. there’s been a MAJOR fallout and you know nothing about it. Has one of her BILs tried it on with her?

3. she can’t stand being round the kids. We used to see a family member regular on a day she had all her grandkids. It’s fucking horrific. We avoid it all costs and get-togethers at their house is genuinely for us a “show your face to be polite” exercise

4. she desperately wants a kid?? Yeah that can be hard if it’s not happening for you

I definitely don't think she should have left it till last minute to let you know and that is rude. However as an adult who works she's entitled to spend her Christmas break however she wants and for her spending time with her family nieces and nephews isn't a priority. Although it's difficult for you, I think you just got to get your head round she's not simply not that fussed about seeing you all.

Very true. The simplest explanation is most often the truth - she simply doesn’t want or like children and doesn’t feel close to, or inclined to make an effort for, her family. Which is fine. We don’t choose our families so it figures that sometimes they won’t be people we’d ever choose to spend time with if we weren’t related.