DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

Maybe she just realises she needs a proper rest, which won’t happen in a house full of small kids and adults she’s not close to?

Average salary for a power plant operator is £65k. Average graduate salary is £36k.

Trades/technical/construction/engineering/etc tend to earn a fair bit more than most office jobs.

I think she was very rude to cancel at short notice. But otherwise, I'm sympathetic to her position. She doesn't want to attend a child-centred gathering when she's a young childless adult. I think that's understandable. She's at a different life stage to everyone else in the family.

It sounds like she has a solid relationship with her brother and she's not that close to her sisters. That's also fine. You can't force closeness, especially between adults. She may come back around to family gatherings as she gets older and she may not - and her siblings can decide how they want to respond if she does.

I think she feels she's moved on from her family. She has a new life with new, successful, single or at least childless friends. She must be very busy, at work and probably socially too. She probably doesn't respect her siblings who are in low-paid jobs without much career progression, or feel she has anything in common with them. She sounds as though she's quite close to going no-contact. Children don't interest her, so that's another disincentive. And she may find it hard being the only one without children. Children are usually the centre of attention and everyone talks about them all the time, can't help in the kitchen because they're looking after the children and so on, and she may feel unappreciated and out of place.

It is annoying she has done it last minute but I kind of get where she is coming from. I used to hate being around a lot of people and kids, could only cope for a few hours and then needed to escape. It is different now of course that I have children. You need to accept that your idea of a fun time is different to hers and she wants to spend her downtime differently.

Calm down love. 🤣

Nice bit of armchair psychology there!

She should have told you sooner. You should have accepted her apologies and wished her a happy Christmas. Her siblings and her are jointly responsible for their relationship. You cannot be annoyed on anyone else’s behalf. I feel quite sorry for her. She must feel really out of place at your home.

Interacting with all these children when it doesn’t come naturally to you IS performing, though.

It sounds incredibly busy and overwhelming. You might enjoy the very busy house of endless siblings and cousins and all their kids but I think you need to respect that this could be hell on earth to your DD.

I’m not saying it is fair that she cancelled last minute. You have every right to be upset and disappointed. However, to her she might have really wanted to and found the closer it gets the more stressed and upset it makes her.

Her life has taken a very different path from your other children. She is earning well, big social life and living in the city in comparison with her siblings who can barely afford a caravan holiday (bar the brother who seemingly affords F1 and football matches). She is also expected to interact with nieces and nephews, which shouldn’t be forced.

I wonder when she has come for these big family events if everything revolves around the children and everyone is cooing and ahhhing over them and have little time to interact with her about what she is doing. In part it could be seen that she is aloof and looking down on you, but reframe it and it is possible that no-one takes an interest in her beyond a cursory how are you and how’s work, but she is expected to interact with the children and feign interest in their lives. Could it possibly be a very one sided interaction?

I can imagine her leave is precious and frankly her choice would be to spend it with people who value her and treat her equally rather than think a big family events where potentially she feels excluded and people aren’t taking an interest.

its not about her being selfish (although the late timing of the cancellation is poor show and she should be picked up for that as she wouldn’t cancel a client in that way), but it is blooming draining when you are have a one sided relationship with people - maybe she had enough a few years ago and said never again.

At 26 it is reasonable to calmly explain how her actions make you feel. But you certainly can’t expect her to interact with the children if she is clear that’s not her bag. I’ve never met anyone who has specifically ignored children when with them.

These are all very different jobs to the one your DD has and very likely will have a lot less stress..They will be mixing with very different people, Your DD is most likely exhausted. What sort of hours is she working? Has she had holiday cancelled? What effort have you made to understand her career path? What sort of things does she like doing with her friends. You sound like you understand your other kids a lot more. Taking out whole weekends to travel home when you’re working long stressful hours is a nightmare.

I’ve been in your DDs position - I hated coming home - it was boring, no one understood my work, my ways of socialising, theatre, gigs, nice meals were “too middle class” and “we can’t afford that, sounds stuck up” museums were “boring” switch back to talk on “oh jenny is having another baby” (now in later life it’s “oh Jenny is moving in with her mum to look after her” (sad face)). Look at this from her perspective-what does she get at the end of this long train journey using up very precious leave?

I am not projecting at all, I am just reading the OP. I don't understand the nasty tone, other posters have noticed it too!

I also happen to know how many hours young lawyers are doing and what the expectations of American Companies are.
You can have a big corporate job that is a cushy job in the city, I completely agree 😂

but normal parents should be equally proud of all their kids, and the "london daughter" is the only one getting a beating and having ridiculous expectations put on her.

Your other children have jobs not careers.

I want to say I’m not putting DDs career or success down, we are very proud of her and have told her as much.
I also just don’t big it up anymore than I would her siblings careers. DS also earns well and did an apprenticeship. When you take into account the cost of living in the north west where we are they probably aren’t that far apart when it comes to quality of life.

My daughter who is a TA loves it being term time only, she did other jobs before this but now prefers being with her children. I think that’s just as commendable as earning the big bucks.

When I was 26, it would have been for me to visit my parents and not the other way around. Would she maybe see the importance of visiting if her parents didn't?

She sounds incredibly rude, she probably doesn't like the children being the centre of attention and how excited they are, but that's what christmas is about. I imagine when she does decide she wants children probably pushing 40 and runnning out of time she will expect everyone to worship her children.

Leave her to it and enjoy your lovely family christmas without her.

I am laughing at the thread, I am calm 😂

No need to project 😉

My daughter who is a TA loves it being term time only, she did other jobs before this but now prefers being with her children. I think that’s just as commendable as earning the big bucks.
no one but no one has said it wasn't, it 's a very odd remark to defend some of your children when no one has attacked them in the first place?

Yes It is extremely rude to message and cancel on the day she is supposed to be travelling to you. I don't see how anyone can dispute that.
I'm not sure I'd have asked her if she bought her nieces and nephews gifts. It sounds like a pretty large family and she hasn't even met some of them. It was perhaps a bit of an unfair expectation. She clearly doesn't want to spend her Christmas in what sounds like a very child centred way, when she has no interest in children. In fact, she did actually say this rather than just making an excuse of being unwell or something.
So yanbu - her cancelling last minute was rude and inconsiderate. But yabu to expect her to want the same Christmas as the rest of you.

I suspect it’s more likely that she feels they’re beneath her now. She’s had her head turned and isn’t looking back.

I’m finding it annoying people talking about the child free phase of life/infertility/anxiety/immaturity etc.

Some people don’t want children and do not enjoy their company. I am one of them. My family speculated I was in a child free phase but I’d grow out of it, then that I was having infertility issues that might make me not want to see family, then that my DH might be controlling or I might have MH issues.

It was none of those. I’ve just never wanted children. That’s all it was. People seem to find that really hard to accept.

The nucleur sector pays really well. Engineers can easily be on over £100k.

I'd make a note for future self just not to extend an invite next year. Her idea of Xmas is very different to yours at the moment.
The last minute cancellation is rude but there you are.

I think this is absolutely a huge part of it. She isn’t coming home to her parents and siblings, she is expected to show up as an Aunt.

It sounds like she wants a relaxed time with friends in her own home, which I think anyone can understand. She obviously works hard.

I think it’s a lot more common then you realise, there doesn’t always have to be a big dark theory behind it. I value my family but I absolutely hate spending time as a group together. i am the youngest of four and we are all so different, our kids all different ages and we all parent so differently. Our partners are all so different too. I honestly just find our get togethers often feel performative and forced, no one really enjoys them and they usually go on for way longer then needed. A dinner out is lovely but a full day at home like Christmas - absolutely no thank you. When I used to do it I’d return home exhausted, overstimulated and burnt out, starting the new year run down and drained. Now I do what suits me and I’m a lot happier. It might not be what my parents want but it’s what works for us and I’m not going to be guilted to do it any other way.

I’m not the only one who feels this way - lots of friends do too. those that give in is because of enormous pressure from families to do so. I do have other friends who adore large Christmas get togethers but my point is, not everyone does.

There’s this enormous pressure for families to be happy together, want to spend time together etc. But just because you have siblings doesn’t mean you connect with or want to spend lots of time with them.

Your use of the word “distressing” feels dramatic and over the top tbh. The girl wants to spend Xmas with her friends. Sometimes we just have to live and let live. OP has five kids, the youngest doesn’t enjoy Christmas with them and while she clearly has some maturing to do in how to handle it a bit more gently instead of last minute, I think the best bet would be for OP to sit down and have a chat with her youngest when the time is right, make sure nothing bigger is going on, and find a way that works to include her next year. Maybe she won’t want to do a longer stay with her family, but would be open to a post Xmas brunch or early December meal out with everyone. And if that doesn’t work for others that’s ok too.

We make Christmas out to be more then it needs to be at times. It’s not that important to everyone.

What bollocks. Complete fiction. She has nothing in common with her family and a very different lifestyle and priorities but that doesn’t mean she’s judging them.