DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

Maybe she's feeling the pressure more now that it's three days until Christmas. There are loads of threads on here from people who made plans in October and are now massively regretting them.

They get sympathy though.

It's literally one day a year. And she hasn't visited for a few years now. Fine if she doesn't want to be a part of the family but IME most people like this magically expect everything to be rosy despite making no effort whatsoever.

None of our other children wanted to go to university. DS works at the local nuclear power station, DD1 works in a nursery, DD2 is a TA and DD3 is a receptionist. Not all careers need university.

have you seen the job market? Do you even know legal firms at all?

If she is a new lawyer in an American law firm in London earning very good money, I assure you she is NOT forever out clubbing and partying.

Her mum being dismissive about the amount of work she 's actually putting in, and describing her as some frivolous party goer is telling. Very sad to have no support from her own parents.

It doesn't sound like she cares all that much seeing as she's cancelled twice in the last few years.

I can't blame her either, given how her mum speaks about her.

It doesn’t sound like she does want things to be rosy? It sounds like she’s totally disinterested in her sisters and fairly disinterested in her parents - and maybe, based on OP’s description of her childhood, she’s justified in feeling that way.

I was the lawyer at an American law firm. I was the sibling who “did better” and “overshadowed”. Never was I surrounded by more intelligent, highly paid and utterly stupid people. These places attract a type. I’m old enough now for a small handful to be partners and group heads. They just get worse. Like surgeons but without any of the humility or need for introspection that seeing death on the operating table forces on you. Whoever said that Goldman bankers think they’re masters of the universe got it completely wrong. These lawyers look down on them.

I wonder if this is a snobbery thing. She wants to keep UK with her London friends and 'be cool'. Going home to a traditional family Christmas, where not everyone has loads of spare cash might be (unfairly) embarrassing for her/ she perceives it as embarrassing. Also entirely possibly she has spent too much time online where hating children is the done thing in some quarters. Regardless, she has been incredibly rude. Accepting and cancelling last minute and her excuse is massively pathetic and incredibly immature. Wanting to do her own thing is fine, but the way she has gone about it almost seems to be set up to cause the maximum amount of drama/ pain. I do not think it is necessarily deliberate, just very self-centred. This is not an easy position for you though.

Did she cancel directly, or in the family group? Have you asked when she is going to come up and visit?

None of those are really ‘careers.’

I think she should have let you know sooner. Lots of people don't enjoy spending time with kids - it's not unusual amongst twenty somethings. Family Christmas event can be lovely but they can also be awful, she'll probably have a different view in a few years but for now she's got other things to do.

She's eels to see the sibling she shares some common interests with, she clearly has very little in common with any other family members and doesn't enjoy socialising with them, which is not odd.

I think she feels like she should visit when you ask and says yes out of duty but the closer the day comes she regrets agreeing and would rather disappoint you than put up with how she feels being around everyone else.

It is rude to do but I would prefer my own child to do what makes them happy rather than have a duty visit, I would stop asking her to visit but keep communication open in other ways.

Cancelling on the day you're supposed to arrive is as last minute as it gets!

Exactly. OP's comments about her DD are awful.

Ah ok, not as big as I was thinking, my 4 sisters were/are much older than me and I've struggled to maintain the relationships. No malice, me just always being at a different stage in life. I was very close to my eldest sister though as she never married and essentially raised me.
Maybe in the new year it's worth opening the discussion with her...

can you explain why all your posts sound like a dig against your own daughter?

Fair enough some people don't go to Uni, some people prefer a part-time / term time only job, but you manage to make it sound like a negative that your own child has a degree and a good job?

it is rude cancelling last minute - but is she expected to bring gifts for all the kids and relations and receive just 1 from the family back? It can be hard being the single aunt and can feel very one sided…

so doesn’t have loads in common with her siblings and cousins

So that's probably the reason?

I agree she was rude to cancel last minute but she seems to be of less importance than those who have kids.

And she’ll need to be logging 2000-2200 hours billable time. Well paid but stressful and your time isn’t your own. Maybe she’s just knackered.

Shes rude cancelling last min, that was selfish and inconsiderate

But I can see why she might be uninterested in her cousins kids. (A little less understanding about her siblings kids)

She doesnt have to be involved in the extended family or skint herself to spoil them thats up to her.

Absolutely. If I was working those sorts of hours again, I can’t think of anything worse than spending the relative downtime of the Christmas period surrounded by other people’s screaming children. Like OP’s daughter, I was totally disinterested in kids before having my own and would not have found the sort of Christmas environment the OP describes relaxing.

I expect she just can't face the long journey and spending all that time with loads of kids and siblings that she mostly isn't that bothered about.

She probably thought she would come, or said she would because she felt obliged but is probably exhausted from work and now just wants to stay home.

I don't blame her at all.

If she’s a lawyer at an American law firm she will have been working ridiculous hours, she will be exhausted and won’t have focused til now on the fact that going home for Christmas doesn’t mean rest, relaxation and being spoilt by mum and dad any more - in all likelihood it means being woken early by excited small children and never getting much of a break.

I think you are projecting here tbh

i actually think op is being defensive because there’s a lot of criticism of her other kids

I did the big corporate job in the city in my twenties and it really doesn’t necessitate the hero worship. It’s a different choice she’s made for sure but that doesn’t mean she needs to cut her family loose (except for the bits she wants) or cancel last minute

The only part that I'd find rude is cancelling at the last minute. But I would be curious about it and look at the relationship later.

I found it annoying to do family gatherings when siblings had children and I didn't. I don't mind children but my siblings that were already self-centred became even more so. My parents catered entirely to them. It wasn't enjoyable for me and I don't think my presence really made a difference to them either.

It’s very rude to cancel at the last minute.

However, I was your DD growing up, I’m in my 40s and I guess I still am your DD.

I didn’t enjoy my childhood Christmases. They were always loud with load of people, and lots of children. Even as a child I didn’t like it, I tended to sneak off to a quiet room with a book to avoid playing with cousins or being required to join in games I didn’t want to do.

Im the only cousin of about 20 who did not have children. I don’t enjoy the company of children, and I knew from a young age I didn’t want kids of my own. The big family Christmases continued with everyone else having babies. I enjoyed them less and less. Truthfully I never really felt any affinity with my family, and I don’t like that circumstance forces you to spend time with people you otherwise wouldn’t.

I don’t go “home” for Christmas and haven’t in about 10 years. I don’t like the noise, the big groups of people, the games and the children. I see my parents throughout the year, but I don’t enjoy family Christmases so I don’t go. I’ve got a lovely husband, in laws, and friends I spend Christmas with.

Some people don’t feel like they belong in their family. That’s ok, it happens. I don’t think she should have to join a Christmas experience that she doesn’t enjoy.

Again, rude to cancel at such short notice though. I learned to make it clear that I would not be joining in future. It was hard because I got a lot of pressure to attend and engage. But I didn’t want to, so I don’t.