DD has cancelled on attending Christmas for the 2nd time in 3 years last minute

[calypsolypso]

DD is 26, she is our youngest child and the youngest grandchild on both sides, all her siblings and cousins are now married with children. She is in a long term relationship but has made it clear she views children are something very distant, I think this is normal for a 26 year old professional in London.

Last year she spend Christmas with her boyfriend’s family, the year before she was meant to visit us but decided last minute not to. She hasn’t met 2 of our grandchildren one of whom is now almost 2, she hasn’t met most of her cousins children.

Typically we host on Christmas Day for my family then go to my DHs parents on Boxing Day with all of his family. DD told us she and her boyfriend would be joining us this year. I have made up stockings for them, ensured we have their favourite drinks and snacks in and I have been very looking forward to having everyone together. Today (bearing in mind they were meant to be getting the train this afternoon) DD messaged me saying she’s had a last minute change of heart and they are going to do Christmas with friends at home. I asked why and she sent a text rant more or less about how she doesn’t enjoy being around lots of children, finds it tedious and annoying and hates the pressure to be a fun or involved aunt/cousin. I pointed out she hasn’t even met some of them and if she doesn’t come home for Christmas she won’t have seen her siblings at all in over a year. She said she was aware and wasn’t bothered. She followed up saying she would send the presents she got for DH and I up. I asked if she got her nieces and nephews any gifts and she said no.

AIBU to think DD is being incredibly rude cancelling last minute and clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?

She's doing incredibly well - and working ridiculously hard if she just starting in that kind of firm

but instead of being proud and over the moon she's doing brilliantly, you keep being negative and make her sound inferior to everyone else with children?

What a horrible family she has, no wonder she's staying away.
clearly not giving the slightest crap about her siblings or their families?
do you give the slightest crap about her at all? she sounds like the most successful of your children! Don't put her on a pedestal or play favourites, I hate parents who have favourites, but you're going the other way and putting her DOWN?!

it seems quite common for them to stay in the young child free phase much longer than they would at home.
and good for them, clearly building a career and a life before even thinking about children, if they even want them.

I'd express some disappointment to her at the last minute cancellation, especially when you've got things in for them. But I've got 3 adult DC and the eldest has got 4 very noisy/loud boisterous children and the partners of our younger 2 DC don't spend Christmas with us as it can be a bit over powering no matter how hard we all try to occupy the kids! They come over in the late afternoon/early evening by which stage eldest DD is usually getting ready to head home. Some people just don't enjoy the noise/bustle of kids.

There are also adult ways to express those views.

You sound quite bitter. To work for an American law firm in London- she will be very intelligent. Have you been overshadowed by a sibling doing this??

... and her siblings didn't go to uni, and have chosen a more domestic route through life.

So as I thought, she doesn't feel that she has anything in common with you all, and your suspicions are probably right, that she does think herself better than you all.
(And despite what others have assumed, recognising your child's faults doesn't mean you don't like or love them).

I don't know the answer. I think that all you can do is try not to get snippy (while still making it clear that you had prepared for her visit and were looking forward to seeing her) to try to preserve what little relationship she allows you.

I'm glad you have your other kids around you.

Did she think it would just be siblings and their kids there, and now it's cousins and their kids too? It sounds like a lot.

I would say it's rude to cancel so close, but these things happen, especially if something has changed.

I also think it's rude to ask if she's bought the children gifts.

I dont think its selfish of her not buying nieces/ nephews gifts especially if shes not met them or is not close to them. Letting you down last minute is selfish BUT she is an adult and can please herself with how she wants to do christmas. My two adult DC are spending Christmas elsewhere this year which I am absolutely fine with, but I had lots more notice than you.

Yanbu, could she be in a volatile relationship? My ex used to always try and guilt trip me and keep me from my family at christmas, he was cruel and wanted me to be miserable, have no presents, think nobody cared about me etc. He would make out we were going then christmas eve would come and he would throw a huge tantrum about it all so we never went. Could be nothing like my previous situation but you never know

Definitely shouldn't be cancelling last minute.

I wouldn't expect her to be interested in her cousin's children, but it's odd that she hasn't met her nephews and nieces, and I think this implies that there is more to this than just Christmas.

it just sounds like your dd doesn’t want to do the family thing tbh. It’s sad but I imagine if she has kids in the future she will have expectations of you all and you need to decide how you are going to deal with that

i have childless colleagues in their twenties (in London) and they are all going home for Christmas and were happily telling me about their family traditions/ crazy uncle/ nieces and nephews etc.

I would wager a guess that this has a lot to do with her distancing herself from her siblings, and vicariously, her parents (you), rightfully or wrongly.

If she is forever out clubbing and partying she could be into recreational drugs and therefore travelling home to be with you when she could stay home and party and consume drugs and alcohol might be her preferred option. It was the first thing I thought when reading your post and when I read this reply it made more sense. It doesn’t necessarily mean she’s an addict or it’s a “problem” (although distancing from family and not congratulating her sibling on a new baby for two weeks is quite a problem) but she might use with friends/boyfriend when partying. She’s still pretty young really.

She sounds completely different in every way from your other children. It's quite unusual for only one of your five children to go to University. Why did none of your other children go? What sort of jobs to they have?

I would imagine that her social circle will be friends from University and colleagues from her law firm. I think that she has left you all behind for good, unfortunately. It was rude of her to cancel with such short notice but I bet she feels like a fish out of water when she comes home.

I was firstly going to say you were not being unreasonable until the end of your post whereby you asked if she bought gifts for her nieces and nephews.

this last bit I think hints at some real underlying issues and why she’s not seen her siblings and not met the children of her siblings Something is going on here that you are part of and blinded tin(or in your own opinion doesn’t matter) or something serious has happened between siblings that you’re not acknowledging

you need to do something to change your expectations or you need to do something about your own behaviour or work with your other children to find out what has happened and address this.

you have a serious break in your family. Your daughter cannot bear to come home for Christmas and you’re not doing anything about it. You’re the parent. You need to take action.

I am loving all the posters who call a 26 year old lawyer at an American law firm "immature" because she's living her best life instead of drowning in nappies and baking potatoes for Christmas as a priority 😂😂

Good for her, IF she ever wants to have children - it's not mandatory, she'll be a much better mother for having lived her life to the full first and build a good career to support herself and her family.

I have kids, but no one is superior in any way just because they have a kid.

I didn’t used to spend Xmas with my wider family when I was in my twenties because all the talk was about the marriages/babies of my cousins.

The late cancellation isn’t great but maybe she just can’t be arsed with spending her non working time with other people’s kids?

could she be struggling for money?

she earns a lot presumably as she’s in london, but is apparently out all the time. that costs a lot. especially if she buys lots of rounds etc for friends.

maybe she cannot afford to buy everyone back home presents and couldn’t face the repercussions of that, or their disappointment from you all in her.

she shouldn’t have cancelled so last minute though.

could you invite her at the weekend instead or will all the kids etc still be there? if that’s possible ask soon before she posts gifts to you to save her money. you could ask if she wants you to book trains etc if you think that would help her.

i wonder if she is skint if there is another reason. like could she have a gambling or cocaine addiction.

Ok, so she’s earning probably £180,000, but she’ll be working incredibly long hours with an expectation that she’s available whenever the partners need her - including at weekends and holidays. I’m not surprised she wants a quiet, chilled Christmas rather than being surrounded by small children who she doesn’t know well and is accustomed to being around.

Then she shouldn't have said she was going and cancelled at the last minute after OP had made all the arrangements.
Nothing has changed between October and December. The family was big when she said she was going.

Yeah, this is really bizarre, I don’t know anyone who has moved back to their home town

There is - read OP's updates.

Her DD only had hand-me-downs.
All her events were overshadowed by her siblings "bigger" events.
As an adult, her mum still prioritises her siblings and their babies.

Of course she doesn’t have to come, but she wasn’t made to. She was offered options and she chose to come, even arranging a lift from the station. Then she cancelled at the very last moment. That’s the issue. Not whether she likes a different type of Christmas.

OP, I think she thinks she’s above you all now. She’s in London, she has a busy social life, money, etc, and has probably cultivated quite an image. Coming home shatters that image and she can’t bear it. It’s not about boring children or the countryside or anything. It’s about her pretending to be someone different while knowing underneath she’s still herself.

A friend did exactly this at uni years ago. It was very strange. We could all see she wasn’t who she was pretending to be, and she hated that so cut her old friends off ‘because we’d grown apart’, when really she just didn’t want to be reminded of who she actually was.

I personally don't see the 22nd December as a 'last minute' cancellation for Christmas although accept she was meant to arrive today.

OP said she’s a lawyer at an American firm who has finished her training contract - she’ll be earning minimum £160,000, very possibly £180,000. American firms pay their NQs extremely well.

It was very rude of her to cancel at the last minute. On the other hand, you now have an honest understanding of how she feels about a family Christmas, and children!

Perhaps it would be best to have a relationship with her that's not based on interacting with family inclusive of children. She obviously, really, REALLY doesn't like kids, so not great for the kids either!