To not let children have Xmas lunch with grandparents when parents are divorcing

[Iris10000]

Just that really. We are getting divorced, which is DH decision. He needs more time to himself and for his job so in essence is asking to be a Saturday dad with one additional school pick up and drop off. He is very very close to his parents and wants to take kids (10 months and 4 years) to his parents for Xmas lunch for few hours. I will stay at home on my own. My relationship with his parents broken down after they barged into our house and said they always had a problem with me and what a bad person I am. I said he can go there for couple of hours but I would like to have lunch here with them. I am beyond angry and he doesn’t want any to change his plans.

I highly doubt that a 10 month old would prefer to attend Christmas lunch over an afternoon with its mother. So I think we can safely assume the baby's father isn't prioritising their needs.

For the four year it would depend upon their relationship with their grandparents and father.

Bit of a shame that their father hasn't tried to open a useful non combative discussion as to what would work best for them all. Instead he's chosen to ram through his needs over and above those of his children.

As a young child, I wasn't fussed about Christmas dinner and much preferred Christmas tea, when we got Christmas cake and yule log.

I wouldn't trust your STBEXH to bring them back in time for tea, though. His parents sound toxic and they have raised an incredibly selfish son. They must be so proud.

If you're considering hiding the car seats, how about also hiding the car keys?

I completely agree. BUT, while its understandable, the OP shouldn't be making decisions based on her anger either. Many other posters on here have talked about long term planning for the good of the children and I think that this is the most important principle although a bloody difficult one.

Little kids should be at home for Christmas.

He wanted to be a Saturday dad, Christmas is not on a Saturday so tell him it’s not his day. It was his choice to leave the family home and not care for his kids daily, you do the majority of the parenting so you get to say where the kids go or don’t go on Christmas Day.

You have offered a compromise that he can take them but only for a couple hours and that is totally reasonable.

This is a really good point. If the children stay with you all day on christmas day this will count as your year and he will have them next. Given horrible ex is still haunting your family home my guess is this year wont be the best in any case, I would be inclined to let him take them for the day after breakfast on the basis that they are yours for the day next year, when you wont have him hanging around. Maybe get an agreement that he will leave the three of you in peace for boxing day and let him explain why you are not joining them for the day.

If he agrees this make sure you put it in writing. Though as he sounds like his needs come first I expect he will want to divvy the kids' time up on Christmas day ad infinitum.

I understand why the OP is feeling so angry. Anyone in her position would be but I’d not deal with this situation in the combative way so many posters are suggesting. I’d agree to the husbands ‘request’ and not give it anymore thought. I’d just enjoy getting a break and have a lovely relaxing bath and watch some tv. It’s only a few hours in a whole day. I’d actually welcome it.
It would save all the anguish and arguments. OPs going to have to find a way of dealing with the husband so going to war over a few hours seems like a hard way of going about it. She isn’t ever going to be able to stop him (and his parents) having access so why start making everything such a battle. The parents sound awful but the OP doesn’t not have any power in this situation to stop them seeing the kids in future.

OP, it’s going to be a very difficult day whatever happens. I’d going for the easy and calm option rather than the hostile and difficult one. You might feel like you are being too soft but think about what’s best for you.

But why are you going on just what HIS solicitor advises? Where is your legal advice in this? It is not just about what he wants to do. I can't understand why you can bear to have him stay in your house cooking and probably cleaning for him when you know he is going to leave when it suits him. Please respect yourself OP and do what is right for you. Don't let him control everything.

The house is jointly owned and my solicitor suggested for him to move out. He refused and he cannot be forced out in any way. It’s not easy cohabiting but there is no way he will move out.

That,

his decision so children stay with you in their environment and if he only wants to have them one day a week then he will have to forget about the other days otherwise albeit to another more shared future plan.

And if grandparents haven’t been respectful to you. I wouldn’t facilitate that!

It doesn’t sound like you’re going to be able to successfully prevent this from happening this year. So start planning next year. - next year is your turn with the kids. You get Christmas Eve and Christmas Day - maybe you could go and visit your sibling? Or if it’s not too far, your parents. Then the year after they can do Christmas with Dad and his parents again. You can’t share the day if it’s always going to be you all on your own all afternoon. That’s not fair or healthy for you.

Hi op how awful for you. He is being such a selfish twat and his parents. If you’re that crazy why are they leaving the kids with you 6 days a week. Your dh doesn’t get to dictate to you anymore. Op will he wake up and just drive them over there do you not get any say in it. Is he cheating? If he puts you through this on Christmas Day you tell him straight it will be the last one unless Xmas falls on Saturday and his dp will only see them on his days don’t you accommodate any of them. What type of dad fucks his kids off for 6 days a week so he can work. Does he even love them? I would be looking at getting out asap because he is a controlling abusive bastard he obviously takes after his dp. The lot of them are a disgrace taking kids away from their mum on the one day they could leave them therea and see them without food.

He chooses divorce he chooses to leave you home alone and he says you’re crazy. See your solicitor again explain what he’s doing. He’s not going to play nice. Can you go somewhere overnight and leave them with him until Boxing Day. I think I would do anything to scupper his night time.

It is true he can't be forced out (I can't get my stbexh to move out either but I am surprised the solicitor advises this. What are the disadvantages for him? Is it because he can't afford to pay rent on a house? Can't he move in with his parents?

Absolutely no way should he be taking the children to his parents. Keep some of the 4 year old’s presents for later so he doesn’t get away with that stunt.
what kind of a man leaves the mother of a 10 month old?! And what kind of ghastly in laws support that?!

What do you think the options are here exactly?

Legally you cannot remove someone from the home they own. Its not even an option, what do you think OP can or should do here?

She can seek all the legal advice she wants, and should do actually as Ive said much earlier but, it wont result in him being forced to leave

This unfortunately. When l split up with my first husband then l was told to not leave the then marital home. It’s pretty standard advice. But conversely l wouldn’t be running round after him either. It would be very much separate lives and only talking about child related matters

Let’s be honest.
Men will stay in the marital home with their wife and kids because, generally, they are able to compartmentalise easier than women. So they can continue to play happy families far easier than women. Also, they know they know they can continue to go out and about more than their wife does because, as usual, the wife thinks about childcare more than their husband does. Likewise if the wife decides to go out they will be worried whether husband will feed/bathe/put dc to bed properly so often decide to cancel. Also, most times in this situation the wife will say if they are cooking for the dc they would be petty not to cook for dh too and if they didn’t cook for dh they would be accused of all sorts. Same with laundry. Same with housework. The man stays in the house (unless he has another woman to move in with) because pretty much none of his life changes except for the fact he is now single, ergo his wife can’t have a go at him.
Tell me I’m wrong.

And it is so hard for women/mothers to buck the trend as I set out above because they will be called psychos/selfish/all sorts and told they are not putting their dc first.

Op - time to get strategic.

If he takes them for lunch this year, you get next year. You will be in a much better place by then, so will enjoy it more.

also 10 month old will start to understand Christmas next year, so keep your powder dry.

i get it though. It’s horrible. My ex couldn’t give a shit about Xmas but insisted on alternate years and I still feel a bit sad when it’s not my year.

However, I do Xmas again on Boxing Day and now have some traditions for a blissful Xmas day of child free luxury and have some friends in same situation.

Agree they all sound like a bunch of c**ts.

but sometimes giving people what they want is the best revenge. Use it to bargain hard.

Why is it standard advice not to leave though? I thought most people did leave if they and to end the marriage.

It disheartens me how often I see threads on here where women have been ditched by their partners and left with a baby that's just months old. There needs to be conversations where the man acknowledges just how much a child will impact his life and whether it works with their job or if they are compatible with fatherhood, they need to say they don't want to have a child rather than walk away within months of birth!
How do they think it's fair to only be a dad one day a week etc when the mothers have no choice! They don't get all that freedom and me time and they have to fit the kids around other commitments in life.

When is he intending to move out??

Interesting reflection. DH however doesn’t see the split is becuase he hasn’t thought things through. He claims the relationship is making him unhappy and for his own metal health he needs to be free from me who is ‘putting him under constant pressure’. I had threats of suicide from him. He has very low self esteem and fragile ego. I suspect asd with his work obsession and unwillingness to look afer children during the work week. There are also some special interests, bluntness, social avoidance and other signs. It feels complicated and unfortunately I am not trained to diagnose his personality issues that led him to his decisions.

Once the divorce is finalised

Funnily enough my mum often struggled to be a mother when I was a kid and still often does and she is a fragile person, and she threatens suicide a lot since my dad died, she actually really fits the profile of someone with borderline personality disorder but it's hard getting anyone to diagnose her and treat her properly for it so the same cycles continue! She can be very mentally abusive and I'm not sure how much she realises it as she tends to feel a victim all the time.