Things my DH has found to do while we are trying to leave for Christmas

[Bluebells81]

6hr car journey to PiL today. Thought it would be good to leave in morning. Stop for lunch etc So got everyone packed and ready yesterday, or so I thought...

So far DH has filled the morning with:

1. Buying special fuel for garden tool.
2. Filling said tool with fuel on allotment.
3. Buying Xmas present for child that I could have bought yesterday if I'd known he hadn't done this.
4. Vacuuming (he never vacuums under normal circumstances)
5. Winding DCs up with playfighting to the point that everyone got sent to separate rooms.
6. Buying (separate shopping trip) extra food for pet and present for next door neighbour.
7. washing and drying a load of laundry.

I can't even pack the car because he keeps using it for his errands.

There is no end in sight to this sudden domesticity. Nearly 1pm... still a 6hr journey ahead.

This thread brings back the memory of the time my wife realised I’d decided that just before leaving for a long-haul flight was the ideal time to fix a fence post.

Now, to be fair (to me) we were just killing time. If we’d have left then, we would have been massively early for check-in, gales were forecast while we were away, and I hadn’t noticed the post moving before

But I shall always treasure the expression on my wife's face that clearly said, “I’ve married an idiot.”

I could have written this post! It sounds like my husband who has recently been diagnosed with ADHD.

One word: ADHD?

My DH has it and honestly watching him "prep" to leave the house to get where he/we needs to be makes me want to rip my hair out. Completely time blind, disorganised, no planning, no prioritisation. He's still chaotic even on medication. It's hard work, every day.

Oh this is a thing? Mine is exactly the same! I feel like my life revolves around his bowel movements. Why are they so selfish? I told mine tonight that he is going to the toilet again because he’s massively fat and won’t stop eating - I’m sick of pussyfooting around him.

You should have left him with the hoover and traveled alone x

Dh has described it as a fear of dead time coupled with time blindness. So we are organised and almost ready to go and we have about 20 minutes to kill. He is unable to relax and will mentally go through all the random things he could do, then settle on a job to fill the gap but grossly underestimate the time it will take. These days i have to corner him and ask what he is doing and how long he thinks it will take. I tell him how long it will take in reality and explain why he cannot do this. He fights against this urge,.sometimes I have to suggest something like sweeping the floor that's quick or suggest he packs the car or puts on his coat or shoes or goes to the toilet so he is truly ready and not kind of ready, where he has to just get one thing that turns into 10 things. I don't think its a control thing it's definitely a ND thing with my DH. What upsets me is when he doesn't heed advice and gets argumentative. He is much better since an adult diagnosis. Ds when younger used to say he was getting his crazy brain when he had bouts of this and we found ways to help him. Sometimes I ask DH if his crazy brain is bothering him and he will admit yes. These are the moments when it's manageable and we work as a team. The times he gets defensive and ignores me are the times I can't forgive.

We had about two hours in which to clear the chaos out of two bedrooms for imminent guests when DH said musingly that we really ought to sand down the dining table. For some reason that struck me as a marvellous idea.

For about ten minutes I offered to help dismantle the table, find the wax and/or go to B&Q for sandpaper, while DH said no, no, he thought it would be more sensible to clear the bedrooms.

He vanished to clear the bedrooms.

DD sidled up to me and murmured that she has no idea whether that was reverse psychology or just both her parents losing the plot in the face of a deadline. TBH, by that point, neither had I.

Oh dear I do this.

There’s an element of time blindness, terrible sense of priority and false expectations about how I feel things should be left.

There’s also the procrastination to avoid packing because if I don’t start it I can’t forget anything
I actually drive myself nuts with my own ridiculousness.

Probably adhd.

I’ve witnessed my dear friend suffering from this affliction. I love her to bits but she’s one of those people who can not be on time.
Her lateness is legendary. We will arrange to meet our group for lunch at 12 and she will turn up at 13:15 when we’re finishing. She has missed the start of concerts, movies. Her own child’s performances.

We were going somewhere that we couldn’t be late for so I said I would pick her up. I arrived 15 minutes early and called her from the car. She was getting in the shower! She let me in and was in a tizz and upset. I just apologised for being a bit early. She agreed she didn’t have time for shower and hair wash. It was now time to leave. She just couldn’t. Was running around picking things up and tidying up and changing her shoes.

Eventually I said we had better get going and she sort of froze in her hallway. Insisted we had left too much time and she should take the shower. I was honestly not trying to be mean but if I wasn’t there we were going to miss something that cost a fortune. She just couldn’t leave without making herself late. . It’s definitely a mental health thing with some people rather than trying to be deliberately harmful.!

Snorting with laughter at some of these stories. I had a feeling that I might not be alone - but you have all surpassed expectations.
We eventually left at 2pm. Only 4hrs later than planned.

I think the DH faffing is definitely rooted in anxiety giving him an adrenaline boost and putting brain into a weird loop.
When I was in labour with 1st child he didn't run me a bath, prep some foodp or pack bags into the car... he started cutting all our hedges. I'll leave that there.

Snorting with laughter at some of these stories. I had a feeling that I might not be alone - but you have all surpassed expectations.
We eventually left at 2pm. Only 4hrs later than planned.

I think the DH faffing is definitely rooted in anxiety giving him an adrenaline boost and putting brain into a weird loop.
When I was in labour with 1st child he didn't run me a bath, prep some foodp or pack bags into the car... he started cutting all our hedges. I'll leave that there.

I was trying to clear the room of all the bits left after putting up Xmas decorations and hoovering. Looked out the window to see him about to get into his car . He was going to the glass recycling place to get rid of the stuff that had been lying around over a month that I had asked him to do .

I hate travelling or going out with him . He is downstairs telling me he is ready and to hurry up . Meanwhile I am trying to put make up on and dress the kids . As I get downstairs, coats on I ask if he has locked patio doors , put the bin out, put the bag in the car etc. Nope .

Can you castrate him with the special tool now that it has fuel?

I wouldn't ever do a long journey in the winter at those times as I hate driving in the dark. What's wrong with driving in daylight hours? It's much nicer. We are heading off around 10am tomorrow for the 6 hour journey to my DDs.

We have a name for it; “dusting the attic”. As in what’s the most useless task you could do right now that will help no one and actually just cause more of an issue? Yep that’s right! Dusting the attic! Because that’s a totally pointless and useless job, that for some reason has to be done because that’s what DHs brain has stuck on! Now when I say “are you dusting the attic?” He knows he has to justify the “task” he is performing in that second and if it’s not got enough justification, he needs to stop doing that thing and actually help.

I think going for a poo and being in there for long enough to avoid stuff is a massive distraction technique.

I can hear the videos you’re watching.

It might help next time to give him the job of packing the car.

Yup, this is dh. Ans yes, he probably has adhd. But thats not a get out of jail free card. Drives me absolutely potty. He is better on not doing the ridiculous big chores any more - eg mowing the lawn or pressure washing the patio, both of which regularly used to appear, but he still faffs. I will say we have to leave at 1. I will give 15 mi.ute warnings, then 5. But basically, he cannot do the small tasks until I am at the door. So I will have done my tasks but as me and the kids are putting on shoes he will be checking doors are locked, turning on the dishwasher, feeding the cat. Twice this Christmas already the dc and I have been in the car waiting for him for 10 minutes. Drives me MAD. I regularly have to text sil or my sister to say, "sorry, running late as herding cats".

He also will not rush. We are leaving and late and he realises his phone is in the bedroom? He plods up and down the stairs. We need to rush because train is leaving... does not affect the time he spends walking to the station.

@ToffeePennie I love that phrase! Its also much nicer to say than a 'what are you doing' in (what dh calls) a patronising passive aggressive tone.

I'm just reminiscing the time we were on a city break and walking all day and went back to hotel to collect luggage to get an evening train to another location. I changed my shoes and was struggling fitting them into luggage and Dh offered to put them into a bag he was carrying by hand. I should have known better than to say yes. At the station he dropped the bag on steps and everything fell out. I watched him repack and checked that he hadn't forgotten anything. On arrival he told me that we had lost one of my shoes on the train as it was missing from the bag, we had to go back into the carriages looking under seats and overhead, and some passengers helped. We gave up and I spent the next half hour walking in my flip flops panicking over where I could buy new shoes. I asked dh was he sure he picked everything up when they fell on the steps, he said he never dropped a bag on the steps or repacked it. Zero recollection. I passed a shoe shop that was closed and we tweaked our plans for the next day to return to the town to get new shoes. A few hours later unpacking the second shoe was discovered in Dhs backpack along with lots of 'who put that there?!' exclamations.

Love it. I once watched DH, who paints gaming figures and scenery (well enough that people pay him to paint stuff for them, in fairness) glueing sand all over the base of a figure, painting it brown, then highlighting it up through different shades to look like sand 😶

'But... but why?'
"So it looks like sand"
'But it is sand. It literally can't look sandier than sand, surely?'

So now if he's faffing endlessly with something painfully mistimed or not helpful in the moment, it's 'Darling? Are you painting sand to look like sand?'

Cleaning his golf trolley and clubs - again!
Neighbours coming over in the morning for a quick drink so he said I ( he doesn't do cooking) should do pizzas, sausages rolls etc etc . This is whilst cooking Christmas dinner for 10. Has he ever looked at how big the oven is let alone the extra work/ stress for me. He was put in his place in no uncertain terms. I've done all the buying ( presents and food)and will do all the cooking and most of the clearing up. The dishwasher doesn't fill and empty itself. Be glad when it's all over.

I got around this by typing up an itinerary of any long trip including final checks and planned departure time. It also included when/where we were stopping for lunch etc. On a six hour trip I'd have to stop about three times TBF and they'd all be worked out. Same with return journey. My DH always said he didn't know my plans. My DC loved it and it stopped them asking when we were stopping for break/lunch and if we were there yet. All on the sheet. 😂

(Originally I had a printed route planner too!)

They do this to make themselves look busy instead of actually helping!

I understand tidying before leaving so you don't have a mess to come home to, but this takes the biscuit! Why would the windows need to be especially clean when not only are you holding things up but nobody's going to be there to appreciate the difference?