What do people see when they look at me??

[Imnotlaughing]

I’m actually a bit embarrassed and don’t want to post any pictures as it would obviously be identifying so I’ll try to explain concisely.

When I was younger I drank lots and dabbled with drugs. I also have underlying hereditary health conditions. I’ve had a difficult early life and I’m aware I have not aged well.

I am only in my early 50’s. DH is older than me. He once told me that one of his colleagues saw us out together and made a comment during workplace banter that DH lived with an old lady. I was offended that he just laughed it off and didn’t stick up for me but I just moved on and forgot about it after deciding his colleague was just a bit of a rude prat, especially as I’m younger than DH.

Last year we moved to a new area and have spent the last 12 months getting to know the neighbours, walking the dogs together etc and fitting in. We decided we knew people well enough to at least put a few Christmas cards through doors of people who had shown kindness and made an effort to talk to us.

One of those neighbours approached me last week to ask me to thank my son for the Christmas card. I didn’t know what to say so just politely acknowledged their gratitude without correcting them. Then last night another neighbour put a card through our door addressed to DH & ‘Mum’. He saw it first and handed it to me in silence knowing what I’d think. This card was from an elderly lady in her 70’s. I was gobsmacked.

I am 53. He is 55 next week. I spent last night just looking at my reflection in the mirror thinking what on earth are they seeing when they look at me? A crooked old lady with a walking frame? Are they taking the piss or are they serious? Honestly I don’t see someone old enough to be DH’s mum looking back at me when I look in the mirror and am utterly baffled and embarrassed by this.

That’s three people now. The first I just thought was a piss taker but the other two were actually serious. They genuinely thought I was his mum. I know I haven’t aged well but I don’t think I look that old. To think I am DH’s mum they must think I’m at least 20 years older than him? I walk long distances, sometimes I am out for hours in the countryside as a hobby and walk further than many of these people could even comprehend. I’m not in dreadful shape.

I know this is subjective and nobody can really tell without seeing a picture of me but now I can’t help wondering what are they seeing when they look at me? I just don’t know what to make of this anymore. Far short of a face lift there’s not a great deal I can do about how I look but I am genuinely just not seeing what they are seeing when I look at myself.

The last think I ever thought when I met DH was that one day all the neighbours are going to think I am his mum. I feel like Mrs Doubtfire! 😳

This OP
Alot of people look older if they don't address the above.
If I let my hair go grey and stopped colouring it, I would look significantly older.
I'm not suggesting that people shouldn't embrace going grey if they want to but that is just one example.
Take care OP, small steps

Could it be your posture? Mine is very bad, and in recent photos I thought I looked like a little old lady (only 57). My husband is older than me by five years and also looks younger than me.

Do you have a name that sounds remotely like any variation of mum when your DH says it?

I haven't read all the thread.
A new colleague started in my team, I and a few others were trying to guess her age. I thought 30's to 40's. Turns out she is mid 20's! She does have youthful skin. I think trendy glasses would make such a difference.
I think some people just look and act older.

Sorry its though less of the neighbours. My MIL did look a lot older than my FIL. She smoked a lot and was quite wrinkly, she looked about 70 a good 15 years older than she was. My FIL was upset when an ambulance man asked him questions about his mum when they were called (she did have some health issues related to smoking). There's not much you can do really, as long as your husband loves you it's inside that counts. If you are really concerned there might be some makeup ideas that can help it botox maybe but you shouldn't really have to.

There's something fishy going on here OP, but I'm not sure what.

My DH has always looked younger than me, he's actually 3+ years older. No one has ever assumed I'm his mother though, that would be very strange...and rude.

Tbf op you seem to be happy with yourself as you are.

You don’t think you look as old as these people assumed, you like your comfortable clothing, you are active, you have not mentioned that you are unhappy with your skin or your hair or your teeth or your weight and you are not asking for any tips on how to look younger or change yourself in any way. I would not take a lot of notice as you accept yourself as you are.

Someone suggested trying it. So I did.

From her post it sounded fairly neutral, but this mainly just points to the fact that what we call AI is a large language model. It copies words. It does it really well. I use it sometimes in learning (coding related) and it really isn't built for much else than copying language... Best avoided for most things. Someone I know recently used one for drafting a letter to their solicitor to tell them to stop fucking around so they could actually finish buying a house. It worked. It does words. It doesn't "think". So I kind of agree that it's a red herring... Somebody might come by and correct me on this, though.

Op you sound like you just need to love yourself more.
Like what you see own it.

Skin care tbh is crap dont spend out on something that, says it can turn back time.
Fillers botox crap will age you.

Cold water baby soap and vaseline and e45 or anyother good moisturiser.
I only use sensitive baby wash and baby lotions my sink is very sensitive.
And i I will be honest only using the above things I've aged less and saved me money.

Is your hair grey? That’s massively aging. I wouldn’t take the opinion of AI as truth.

"I think most of us can usually tell a parent and adult child together from a married couple together. "

Not really. If I just see people out shopping and there's a 20 year age gap, my first impression is parent and child.
Obviously, as you get to know people you see how they interact and you might get a better idea.

My dad got mistaken for my grandad from his late 30s because he went grey early, had John Major specs, and a big white beard. He's actually looked the same for as long as I can remember because of that, he's not quite 70 yet but people didn't realise he was 10y younger than my mum.

She stayed looking younger until all of a sudden her terrible diet caught up with her (undereater), and she has incredibly deep wrinkles.

I understand that it's embarrassing, but as PP have said, try to separate out the "you" feelings from the "other people" feelings, and have a word with your husband about his tactless sharing of rude comments.

Genetics. I was a reyt bonny lass, looked young for my age. 35 hit and I aged overnight. It was a bit of a shock, but I have stopped worrying about it. Waste of energy. Which I also have way less of now, ha!

I think the most important thing about this scenario is that it’s really bothered you. Which implies you aren’t happy with how you look and do think you look older than your husband (even tho you keep insisting you don’t)

If 3 different people have said this then my guess is you look 20 years older than your husband if not more.

ask a friend what you could do to improve things

I dont agree that gray hair is ageing.
Most just need to style it.
Some ive seen look fabulous.

Dh once dropped something off for me at my workplace.

He overheard someone says ‘Arse’s dad has just something off for her’

He still talks about it now 20 years later.

@Imnotlaughing

Well I took the plunge and uploaded a picture and asked ChatGPT to guess how old I looked. It gave two different answers. Both guesses were around 55 years old. So even AI doesn’t think I look like Mrs Doubtfire!

So it could be what you’re wearing if your face comes up as your real age (near enough).

'One of those neighbours approached me last week to ask me to thank my son for the Christmas card. I didn’t know what to say so just politely acknowledged their gratitude without correcting them.'

See, I find this odd, also. Why didn't you correct them, OP?

You need to correct these people and you should be bloody furious about your husband repeating what his colleague said to him about living with an 'old lady.' Quite honestly, I don't believe it was said. I don't believe anyone would say that to a man about his wife (he would be VERY brave to). And it was so weird and unkind that your husband repeated it to you.

You know you don't look like an 'old lady' (and so what if you did?). Just put the neighbours straight.

I agree it can look great, but it does tend to be aging anyway.

I am exactly your age, btw, and DH is 57.
The one thing I am.focusing on is staying slim- ish and active. Which you are already doing.( I walk a lot too).

Also your DH needs to shut up.

They didn't look so much older when the programme was on though as their hair was in fashion then. It's only by our standards now that they look older than their age.

In my opinion, the incident with the card has probably caused you to spiral. It would to me too. This woman is in her 70s, her eyesight is probably not 100% and she doesn't know you properly. I've thought that people were older also but then they obviously aren't once you get to know them. And to be honest, once I get to know them and like them, their appearance and personality merge into one. It is just them. And we all have our life experiences. If you want to though, then ya, you could take the opportunity to hit the sales, get make up advice/makeover at a make up counter (Christmas is the ideal time for that) and make yourself look awesome. A little effort goes a long way, I think it's easy to forget in the everyday grind

My first thought is that dh may be referring to you in a particular way when out and about and not correcting people who think he means his mum; or worse, is having an affair with a younger woman and letting people think you are his mother. Or even worse he is gaslighting you. I know it may sound unlikely, but i also can't understand why he would tell you something hurtful that someone at work said. Also why did the neighbour say to thank your son (dh) for the xmas card - did your dh write one coming just from him? Why didn't he write it from both of you? He doesn't sound very sensitive or supportive and something pretty weird is happening if you definitely look roughly your age.

I was stunned and embarrassed that’s why. It wasn’t expecting it.