What do people see when they look at me??

[Imnotlaughing]

I’m actually a bit embarrassed and don’t want to post any pictures as it would obviously be identifying so I’ll try to explain concisely.

When I was younger I drank lots and dabbled with drugs. I also have underlying hereditary health conditions. I’ve had a difficult early life and I’m aware I have not aged well.

I am only in my early 50’s. DH is older than me. He once told me that one of his colleagues saw us out together and made a comment during workplace banter that DH lived with an old lady. I was offended that he just laughed it off and didn’t stick up for me but I just moved on and forgot about it after deciding his colleague was just a bit of a rude prat, especially as I’m younger than DH.

Last year we moved to a new area and have spent the last 12 months getting to know the neighbours, walking the dogs together etc and fitting in. We decided we knew people well enough to at least put a few Christmas cards through doors of people who had shown kindness and made an effort to talk to us.

One of those neighbours approached me last week to ask me to thank my son for the Christmas card. I didn’t know what to say so just politely acknowledged their gratitude without correcting them. Then last night another neighbour put a card through our door addressed to DH & ‘Mum’. He saw it first and handed it to me in silence knowing what I’d think. This card was from an elderly lady in her 70’s. I was gobsmacked.

I am 53. He is 55 next week. I spent last night just looking at my reflection in the mirror thinking what on earth are they seeing when they look at me? A crooked old lady with a walking frame? Are they taking the piss or are they serious? Honestly I don’t see someone old enough to be DH’s mum looking back at me when I look in the mirror and am utterly baffled and embarrassed by this.

That’s three people now. The first I just thought was a piss taker but the other two were actually serious. They genuinely thought I was his mum. I know I haven’t aged well but I don’t think I look that old. To think I am DH’s mum they must think I’m at least 20 years older than him? I walk long distances, sometimes I am out for hours in the countryside as a hobby and walk further than many of these people could even comprehend. I’m not in dreadful shape.

I know this is subjective and nobody can really tell without seeing a picture of me but now I can’t help wondering what are they seeing when they look at me? I just don’t know what to make of this anymore. Far short of a face lift there’s not a great deal I can do about how I look but I am genuinely just not seeing what they are seeing when I look at myself.

The last think I ever thought when I met DH was that one day all the neighbours are going to think I am his mum. I feel like Mrs Doubtfire! 😳

I once got mistaken for my dad's wife. However, I think that that's a lot to do with my dad having a thick head of dark hair and looking significantly younger as a result, whilst I'm gray. Could this be you and hubby?

Apart from the first one I don’t think you can blame neighbours for being ignorant, unless they are being deliberately insulting and it seems they’re not.

I was once mistaken for my ex’s daughter (there’s only five years difference). I thought it was hilarious, him not so much. He didn’t look old for his age, I looked younger than my age.

@Imnotlaughing, I am the same. Look older than I am. I think it's a combination of never really bothering to do the skin care / focus on my self (it always bored me) and also having had a really hard life, including life threatening illness.

I can make myself look a bit better with a huge effort, but most of the time I can't be bothered.

There is something more going on here, I think. Why I think this:

'He once told me that one of his colleagues saw us out together and made a comment during workplace banter that DH lived with an old lady. I was offended that he just laughed it off and didn’t stick up for me.'

Why on earth did your husband tell you about that? It's a really rude and quite risky thing to say that to a man about his own wife?! It would be interesting to know more about this and the exact context. Your husband most definitely should have corrected the person and it was very strange and unkind to repeat it to you.

Regarding the Christmas cards. You sent your neighbours Christmas cards first, correct? So you have written 'from Shelley & Brad at no.17.' Why would your neighbours assume from that that you are mother and son and not a couple. I find that an unusual assumption to make - and 2 of them have made it. Even with a visibly large age gap, most people would naturally assume couple rather than mother and son.

I believe you when you write that you cannot see how they are seeing a person in their 70's when you look in the mirror. You would know if you looked 70+.

I would make a point of holding hands or having your arms around one another when you are out walking the dog. You need to correct people and stand up for yourself and end this ridiculous rumour/assumption whatever it is that these people have made.

Don't do botox/fillers for the sake of others. I would be bothered initially in these circs but then have a word with myself... Think about what you like, what makes you happy. If you can do one thing that fulfils that, do it. It doesn't need to be a new item of clothing or hair cut. You are more than your looks. You are more than a body that has let you down. You are more than others' opinions. Feed your self. And perhaps squint at OH and see whether he is kind to you, sees you as who you are. It's hard to tell from this. Equally if you have no energy for 'one thing' then leave it. Allow yourself to be.

Well I took the plunge and uploaded a picture and asked ChatGPT to guess how old I looked. It gave two different answers. Both guesses were around 55 years old. So even AI doesn’t think I look like Mrs Doubtfire!

Here’s the clincher. It said DH looked older!

I don’t like the assumption thrown around on this thread that a male and female out and about together must be romantically engaged. What a simple-minded assumption.

I’d hate it if anyone thinks I’m dating my brothers or my dad! It’s like some people forget platonic relationships exist and are the safer assumption to make if it’s random people you don’t actually know or care to know.

In any case, I wouldn’t assume people think OP’s relationship is family because of her face, but rather because of how they present in public. It’s obvious two people are in a relationship if you see signs of PDA, it’s obvious it’s parent/child if someone is being reprimanded or someone looks frail and is being cared for etc. in any case, it’s a simple misunderstanding to clear up. I agree that it’s your husband behind this, it would take him seconds to correct a misunderstanding and refer to you as his wife, he’s totally playing into it

What’s this supposed to prove exactly? AI isn’t accurate and is just telling you what it thinks you want to hear.

Utterly wild to me how many people are suggesting expensive and intensive physical alterations. It's like a crappy tween glow up film but everyone's older... You can feel good about yourself without this crap. Other people don"t matter. Your health, relationships, how you feel does. People are weird. Let them be.

There you go then. Some people are stupid, some are just crapheads who get a kick out of being nasty. It's not worth worrying about.

I think as I do of all women there is so much more to you than what you look like..

I also think that these other peoples assumptions and opinions do not matter.

I thino you should invest some self care time to make you feel good about yourself.

Eat something nourishing , do some good quality age appropriate skin care and have a little wardrobe re vamp 🩷

.. & remember you are enough x

I’d think it was more your husband looking young and a little you being perceived as older. Do you work? If not they may assume you retired and put you in an older bracket. I did the opposite with a much older colleague, way beyond retirement age but assumed he was 15 -20 years younger due to circumstances. Not reflecting how he looked really.

I’m mistaken for looking younger and people assumed I was my daughters’ sister when they were little. I wonder, now my husband is grey and balding, how we’re perceived. Although it’s usually more acceptable that way around…

Skincare and a little make up can be a big help. Make sure you wear sunscreen on those long walks, all year round.

I like this ❤️

Pp thinking dh told them that he's your son realise he has a cruel streak. He was cruel telling you someone called you an old lady. My dh wouldn't dream of it. That's if they even did say it.

There's lots of things you can do to make yourself look better/younger without botox. I had my eyebrows microbladed. And hair colour/style makes a big difference. Gentle face massage to stop puffiness and face yoga to help it firm. A decent skincare regime. Doesn't have to be expensive.

Some light make up especially mascara and blusher.

Exactly

😡 Don't fill your face with plastic because some idiots don't know what a 50 something woman should look like, as some have suggested.
Some of us should fight the rising trend to look like a melted waxwork.

Doing my best by not giving a fuck over here 😎

👏👏👏👏

How does ai know what age she wants to hear?

'another neighbour put a card through our door addressed to DH & ‘Mum’. He saw it first and handed it to me in silence knowing what I’d think.'

Something about this feels 'off'. Why hand it to you at all? Why silence rather than 'I am going to go out and correct our neighbours on this mistake today'?

Also finding it hard to get a read on the OH behaviour

Hi OP, I bet you look fine but I do understand how hurtful remarks and assumptions about age and appearance can really sting as it can cut to the core of our self esteem. The worst thing somebody ( a man) once said to me was this "You must have been really good looking once, have you thought about gettng a face lift?" this was a random stranger! I laughed it off but it really hurt me and I still wince when I think about it. The people who have made daft assumptions about you and your husband will not have thought things through and not have considered that they are wrong. Do pamper yourself with some nice skin care if that appeals, I love my weekly face mask not only for looking after my skin but because I always lie on my bed and read while using it. Makes it a double treat . I like using skin creams and while they won't wipe years off your face it can be a way of spoiling yourself. You sound lovely, kind, reflective and perceptive and that is what really matters about a person.

Could your husband be implying you are his Mum as some kind of poor 'joke'?

I would use names in neighbour cards when I didnt know relationships so that's odd in itself

Solidarity OP 💐🌷💐

Do your own research. it’s hard coded to be flattering, conciliatory and tell you what you want to hear. I guarantee if OP goes back to the model and challenges the comments made, the bot will agree and change opinion.