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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about the guy who took his top off in a roomful of women?

387 replies

naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 06:47

I belong to a community choir and we had our Christmas concert recently. There was a room set aside for us to put our bags and coats in. It was a small room and jam packed after the concert with people collecting their bags.

The make up of the choir is predominantly middle aged and older women with a small number of men.

After the concert finished, we all went to the room to retrieve our bags. When I walked in, one of the men was standing in the corner with his top off and he didn't seem to be in a rush to put one back on. No one else was getting changed.

AIIBU to think it was out of order for him to do that? I feel I want to report him as I'm just sick of men doing shit like this. I've had more than my fair share of poor treatment of every kind over the years and I'm absolutely sick of it. If he wanted to get changed he should have gone to the toilet. I felt very uncomfortable. I didn't feel he was any kind of threat but just WHY? No one was impressed.

AIBU to report him to the choir leader?

OP posts:
AbbaCadaBra · 21/12/2025 08:30

naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 08:20

@AbbaCadaBrathe room was small and my bag and coat happened to be near him. Does that clear that up for you?

I too have suffered violent assault and will never allow myself to be alone in a room with a man. We can be left with phobias after such experiences but it isn’t ok to accuse someone of doing something untoward when they are behaving in a normal manner. That in itself is abusive - regardless of the sex of the person doing the accusing. If it just annoyed you or was mildly offensive let it go or make a polite request to the organiser that it not happen again I can see that there might be women who are very religious for example who might not like it. But you don’t need to make a meal of it.

ACynicalDad · 21/12/2025 08:30

Unnecessary, attention seeking but not awful, ignore and move on. Hopefully everyone ignored and he felt a bit let down. Poor boy.

Original poster
naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 08:31

@RhymesWithOrange ha! If I was quick enough I should have said that!

OP posts:
Clara27 · 21/12/2025 08:33

gannett · 21/12/2025 08:28

Topless men on the street is appropriate. I've never seen a topless man in Tesco, though I don't think I'd be bothered if it was hot weather (I've been in a Tesco in my sports bra before).

My rule of thumb is that if the topless man in question has a nice body, I'll enjoy glancing at it. If he doesn't, I avert my eyes and ignore. Really not complicated. They're not being topless AT me.

Show quote history

Hard no. Topless or sports bra on the street is not a good look. And why would you? Put a thin vest on, it’s appropriate for being in public in hot weather

Original poster
naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 08:34

@AbbaCadaBraI agree with you but he wasn't behaving in a normal manner. I have not accused him and haven't spoken to anyone IRL about it. I just wanted to see what others thought.

OP posts:
ShallWeDance · 21/12/2025 08:34

TrippingOverMyAssets · 21/12/2025 07:02

It must have been quite traumatic. Perhaps take some smelling salts with you next time.

The OP is communicating her sense that something is not quite right with this guy. Why belittle her for that?

LeafyMcLeafFace · 21/12/2025 08:35

naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 08:02

@Sparklesandspandexgallore yes it was a similar kind of feeling to this. He did because it made him feel good. Also I didn't hang around watching how long it took him to put his top on! The room was so packed it took me a few minutes to get to my bag and grab my coat and get out again. That will give an idea of just how crowded the room was.

Eh? So you weren’t there very long and have no idea how long he was there with no shirt on?

This is sounding more and more daft I’m afraid (and I’ve been trying to be really sympathetic even though I didn’t agree with you.

DriveVerySlowlyPastNumber23IWantThemToSeeMyHat · 21/12/2025 08:36

naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 08:25

@DriveVerySlowlyPastNumber23IWantThemToSeeMyHat I'm fine with 81% of people thinking I'm being unreasonable. What I'm not fine with is women like you making comments like you have on this thread. You don't know me so why do you feel it necessary to be so unpleasant? Do you think I'm a person unworthy of basic respect just because you don't agree with me?

Yet you're happy to be disrespectful about a man with his top off? And when people don't agree with you, we're suddenly unpleasant? Perhaps get off your high horse 😊

StickyProblem · 21/12/2025 08:37

I get where you are coming from.
As others have said it's entitlement and dominating the shared space.

I used to socialise with people from a sports club and after a few drinks a few of the men would get their tops off, it was like watching birds doing a mating dance. Nobody was bothered, they were all friends. One of their wives had a baby and as he got older the toddler would take his top off a few minutes into parties, which made them realise it's slightly odd behaviour and not everyone does it.

It's also commonplace in gym classes I go to and although that's more because they get hot and sweaty, and bevause they are all doing it it's less of an individual displaying themselves, I find it revolting. I don't want sweat from multiple strange men landing all over me. Makes them feel better, good for them, it makes me feel worse. But it's completely accepted. So I wouldn't say anything, your situation is different.

Brenda34 · 21/12/2025 08:37

There's often at least one odd one in a mixed choir. He does sound like a bit of a Martin.
In any choir I've been in, he'd have had the mickey taken by both sexes. I'm very surprised that a room full of middle aged women didn't have a field day in that respect.

Charlize43 · 21/12/2025 08:37

Maybe it's because I grew up in the 1970s but I certainly wouldn't find a topless man something to be bothered about, at all.

These neo-Victorian attitudes that young women have today and get traumatised so easily just baffle me. Would they prefer we live in a segregated society like the Middle East?

Having said that this display of pearl clutching on a Sunday morning is slightly amusing... reminds me of my first week on MN and reading a post by a woman who felt 'violated' because some bloke had spoken to her on a train - I think he said 'good morning' when getting on...

PInkyStarfish · 21/12/2025 08:38

One of the most ridiculous and pointless posts I have read on here!

The hatred for men by some is all consuming and so very sad.

AbbaCadaBra · 21/12/2025 08:38

Clara27 · 21/12/2025 08:33

Hard no. Topless or sports bra on the street is not a good look. And why would you? Put a thin vest on, it’s appropriate for being in public in hot weather

Show quote history

Well, I think young men and women are going to continue wearing bra tops and no tops (men) in the street in the summer and (because the young seem not to feel the cold) in the winter too. Regardless of what you or others think is appropriate. I have even seen women in bikini tops in the shopping centre. None of my business.

IggysPop · 21/12/2025 08:40

RhymesWithOrange · 21/12/2025 08:27

I understand OP. It’s about men taking up too much space, attention and lacking in any kind of emotional intelligence or empathy. Personally, I would have just said “oi, Derek, put your top back on, no one wants to see that.”

Sounds like he enjoys testing women’s boundaries, always a red flag.

This exactly. I understand too OP.

TheCurious0range · 21/12/2025 08:40

He had his top off not his trousers, men really around in summer without a top on, it's really not an issue

Brenda34 · 21/12/2025 08:42

EatYourDamnPie · 21/12/2025 08:21

Male toplessness is not appropriate anywhere and everywhere. Claiming shit like this is why we end up with topless men randomly on the street or in Tesco. It’s not appropriate simply because it’s different from female toplessness.

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I agree - context is everything. I saw a man wearing only tiny budgie smugglers in the fruit and veg aisle in New Zealand. I gave the kiwi fruit a miss on that occasion . 🤢

LBFseBrom · 21/12/2025 08:42

Unless he had man boobs, I wouldn't worry.

Charlize43 · 21/12/2025 08:42

PInkyStarfish · 21/12/2025 08:38

One of the most ridiculous and pointless posts I have read on here!

The hatred for men by some is all consuming and so very sad.

'What Reddit is to incels, MN is to femcels...'

As a journalist friend said to me when I told them I spent time on MN...

SophieJo · 21/12/2025 08:43

naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 07:29

@GnomeDePlumethats my point! So sick of men trying to assert their male dominance in this way. He stood their for ages, right in the middle of a tightly packed room.

You are sounding more and more ridiculous. You’ve said earlier that he stood there for ages. How do you know if you just took your bag and coat and left?

gannett · 21/12/2025 08:43

Clara27 · 21/12/2025 08:33

Hard no. Topless or sports bra on the street is not a good look. And why would you? Put a thin vest on, it’s appropriate for being in public in hot weather

Show quote history

Trying to shame women for "immodest" dress is not a good look. Very Taliban-like.

Original poster
naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 08:43

@Charlize43I am not pearl clutching. I also few up in the 70s by the way, and it would take a lot more than a man talking to me on a train or standing around with his top off for me to be traumatised!

OP posts:
Clara27 · 21/12/2025 08:43

AbbaCadaBra · 21/12/2025 08:38

Well, I think young men and women are going to continue wearing bra tops and no tops (men) in the street in the summer and (because the young seem not to feel the cold) in the winter too. Regardless of what you or others think is appropriate. I have even seen women in bikini tops in the shopping centre. None of my business.

Show quote history

I expect they will because they’re young and maybe nobody has told them how silly it looks and how inappropriate it is. Doesn’t mean we have to normalise it. That said my teenage daughter is not a fan of the topless male in
public look and thinks the boys her age who do it are idiots!

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 21/12/2025 08:46

You should've gone up and flicked his moob

saraclara · 21/12/2025 08:46

AbbaCadaBra · 21/12/2025 07:47

According to convention it is offensive for women to get their tits out in public, unless photographed by men for porno reasons. Men however are allowed to flash their chest with impunity. I don’t make or necessarily agree with the rules.

Edited

Womens chests include secondary sexual characteristics, part of the purpose of which is to arouse men (which is why many women wear clothing that emphasises or displays them).

Mens chests do not.

That's why there's a difference between a man standing with his top off in front of men, and a bra-less woman doing the same in front of men.

EatYourDamnPie · 21/12/2025 08:47

Charlize43 · 21/12/2025 08:42

'What Reddit is to incels, MN is to femcels...'

As a journalist friend said to me when I told them I spent time on MN...

Show quote history

Fun fact, the term incel was coined by a woman.