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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about the guy who took his top off in a roomful of women?

387 replies

naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 06:47

I belong to a community choir and we had our Christmas concert recently. There was a room set aside for us to put our bags and coats in. It was a small room and jam packed after the concert with people collecting their bags.

The make up of the choir is predominantly middle aged and older women with a small number of men.

After the concert finished, we all went to the room to retrieve our bags. When I walked in, one of the men was standing in the corner with his top off and he didn't seem to be in a rush to put one back on. No one else was getting changed.

AIIBU to think it was out of order for him to do that? I feel I want to report him as I'm just sick of men doing shit like this. I've had more than my fair share of poor treatment of every kind over the years and I'm absolutely sick of it. If he wanted to get changed he should have gone to the toilet. I felt very uncomfortable. I didn't feel he was any kind of threat but just WHY? No one was impressed.

AIBU to report him to the choir leader?

OP posts:
Original poster
naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 07:49

@QwertyAtThirty and @GooseyGandalf thank you for your understanding. You have explained it better than I could. I won't talk to the choir leader about it but will just be aware. He's a strange one. He keeps hugging this one particular woman and I asked her afterwards if she knew him well or knew him outside of choir and she said no, he's just very friendly. Interestingly she's one of the youngest women in the choir. Wha a surprise 🙄

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 21/12/2025 07:49

I love how there are men on this thread explaining to OP that it’s only the same as a swimming pool or beach. Because of course no women ever feel anxious or mortified about going to those places and the associated expectations of semi-nakedness.

NoisyViewer · 21/12/2025 07:49

naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 07:37

@gannetthe didn't just take his top off and put another one back on. He stood topless for a while doing nothing in a small, packed room full of women!

It feels like you just want people to agree with you. It started off as stood in the corner non threatening. To being in the middle wanting the attention. Yet he appears to be a social participant of the group in general. You felt uncomfortable & attributed this to how you’ve been treated in the past. You just can’t assume someone’s intentions. I don’t think it’s weird to get changed out of a costume (be it a Tshirt it’s still a requirement he wears it & not a choice) to something he wants to wear & because he isn’t self conscious didn’t feel the need to change quickly & was probably listening to others or participating in the general chit chat.

CheekyNavyDeer · 21/12/2025 07:50

I get it OP. I think trust your instinct that he was being weird and be careful around him.

Original poster
naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 07:50

@Soontobe60 thank you.

OP posts:
Nevernonono · 21/12/2025 07:51

naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 07:49

@QwertyAtThirty and @GooseyGandalf thank you for your understanding. You have explained it better than I could. I won't talk to the choir leader about it but will just be aware. He's a strange one. He keeps hugging this one particular woman and I asked her afterwards if she knew him well or knew him outside of choir and she said no, he's just very friendly. Interestingly she's one of the youngest women in the choir. Wha a surprise 🙄

If you gas an issue, why would you not have said so to him? He’s in your choir?

Why would you have gone to the choir leader?

You’re an adult, not a child that needs to tell teacher.

Soontobe60 · 21/12/2025 07:52

Runlikesomeoneleftgateopen · 21/12/2025 07:45

You seriously need to sort out your own issues first.
This is beyond ridiculous.

Why is it ridiculous? A male asserting his presence in a room full of women CAN be uncomfortable. If one of my colleagues took his top off in the staff room full of women, it would be really weird. If we were on a works trip to the beach, not weird at all. Time and place is everything.

Original poster
naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 07:52

Just to be clear he was in the corner of the room. I didn't even realise I typed the middle of the room!

OP posts:
pilates · 21/12/2025 07:52

Sorry for your past experiences op, but I feel this is playing a part here.

Burntt · 21/12/2025 07:52

You should be ashamed of yourself Mumsnet mocking a woman who has been abused because it’s left her with discomfort around male entitlement!!

This is about consent. OP doesn’t consent to seeing his topless body. At a beach is different it’s situation appropriate.

I completely see it OP. You could speak to the leader if you think this will become a regular habit. I’ve been abused too so fully get how you feel and how that’s hard to understand for many

AbbaCadaBra · 21/12/2025 07:53

Why did you keep looking at him Op? It sounds as though the other women ignored him but you were riveted.

QwertyAtThirty · 21/12/2025 07:53

Nevernonono · 21/12/2025 07:42

Of course he would e done it in an all male choir, have you been in a men’s changing room after a football or rugby match? They’re not concerned with nakedness.

Show quote history

I mean, I literally said in my post that this was a different context from a single sex changing room.
And no, I haven't been in a men's changing room because I'm female. I've been naked or in my underwear in many female changing rooms though, and still wouldn't do it in a room full of men. You do you though.

Mt563 · 21/12/2025 07:53

naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 07:29

@GnomeDePlumethats my point! So sick of men trying to assert their male dominance in this way. He stood their for ages, right in the middle of a tightly packed room.

Wait, your original post says he was in a corner, so how was he also in the middle of the room?

You're overreacting because of your past experience. Just let it go.

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 21/12/2025 07:53

Driveverysliwly you are talking bollocks.
I am a regular gym goer as are the women in the class. We all wear appropriate clothing for training. It’s not some instagram fest.
He was in a vest I think. He didn’t rush to put another top on just wanted to expose his body in a room full of women.

Soontobe60 · 21/12/2025 07:54

NoisyViewer · 21/12/2025 07:49

It feels like you just want people to agree with you. It started off as stood in the corner non threatening. To being in the middle wanting the attention. Yet he appears to be a social participant of the group in general. You felt uncomfortable & attributed this to how you’ve been treated in the past. You just can’t assume someone’s intentions. I don’t think it’s weird to get changed out of a costume (be it a Tshirt it’s still a requirement he wears it & not a choice) to something he wants to wear & because he isn’t self conscious didn’t feel the need to change quickly & was probably listening to others or participating in the general chit chat.

Show quote history

The OP is asking a question. I for one agree with her - it would make me feel uncomfortable. But I appreciate that there are other women who wouldn’t give a flying fish in the same situation. And that’s ok.

Mt563 · 21/12/2025 07:55

Soontobe60 · 21/12/2025 07:52

Why is it ridiculous? A male asserting his presence in a room full of women CAN be uncomfortable. If one of my colleagues took his top off in the staff room full of women, it would be really weird. If we were on a works trip to the beach, not weird at all. Time and place is everything.

Show quote history

Asserting his presence?! He was existing in a mixed sex space and was in the corner. Men existing near women is not inherently threatening or dominating, however overly sensitive some women have got. If that's a problem, find a women's only choir.

DriveVerySlowlyPastNumber23IWantThemToSeeMyHat · 21/12/2025 07:55

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 21/12/2025 07:53

Driveverysliwly you are talking bollocks.
I am a regular gym goer as are the women in the class. We all wear appropriate clothing for training. It’s not some instagram fest.
He was in a vest I think. He didn’t rush to put another top on just wanted to expose his body in a room full of women.

I also see a lot of women at a gym and some do not wear appropriate gym attire! I've got bigger knickers than some of the 'shorts' some women wear.

Soontobe60 · 21/12/2025 07:57

AbbaCadaBra · 21/12/2025 07:53

Why did you keep looking at him Op? It sounds as though the other women ignored him but you were riveted.

Ahhh - I see. Semi naked man makes woman feel uncomfortable, woman is to blame. Do you know what your comment reminds me of? When women complain about having naked men who claim to be women in single sex changing rooms and others tell her to stop looking at ‘her’ penis because that’s weird.

Skyflyinghigh · 21/12/2025 07:57

It wouldn’t bother me but then again I wouldn’t pay much attention. Was he getting a lot of female attention? What age is he?
I get it’s not usual behaviour but I’d have not thought much about it either way

hiddeneverythin · 21/12/2025 07:58

I agree OP. You were there and you know the guy and from the way you have described it he has done it for attention and there is no need to be topless at a choir concert.

Soontobe60 · 21/12/2025 07:59

Mt563 · 21/12/2025 07:55

Asserting his presence?! He was existing in a mixed sex space and was in the corner. Men existing near women is not inherently threatening or dominating, however overly sensitive some women have got. If that's a problem, find a women's only choir.

Show quote history

The fact that he felt it was appropriate to be semi naked for a length of time in that space speaks volumes.

SeaUrchinHat · 21/12/2025 07:59

Of all the stuff we have to put up with from men, this is a minor one. In similar situations in future (there will be many) just ignore and divert your attention elsewhere until he behaves appropriately, as you would a small child. It’s the only way.

AbbaCadaBra · 21/12/2025 07:59

Soontobe60 · 21/12/2025 07:57

Ahhh - I see. Semi naked man makes woman feel uncomfortable, woman is to blame. Do you know what your comment reminds me of? When women complain about having naked men who claim to be women in single sex changing rooms and others tell her to stop looking at ‘her’ penis because that’s weird.

Show quote history

He wasn’t naked though. We all see men with their tops off all the time. Especially in the summer. If it makes op uncomfortable she should request that it not happen, not expect someone doing something perfectly normal to read her mind.

Rosealea · 21/12/2025 08:00

naturenaturenature · 21/12/2025 07:13

At no point have I said it was traumatic or a threat. Of course it wasn't. That isn't my point. It's the male belief that it was ok to do it. He knew exactly what he was doing. Pathetic.

What exactly was he doing though, in your mind as you seem to think there was something weird going on in his mind?

I really don't see what the problem is though. Possibly get some counselling to help you sort out your issues.

LAMPS1 · 21/12/2025 08:00

If it wasn’t the case that he took his top off to put another one on more or less straight away, then I’d find it odd and unnecessary that he just stood there like an idiot half dressed.

It wouldn't upset me to the extent it has upset you at all, but then I’m fortunate in that I haven’t suffered from men repeatedly like you have.

I would fleetingly think he looked daft and out of place or maybe full of himself.
I would pay it (and him) no more attentions than that.