To be annoyed about the guy who took his top off in a roomful of women?

[naturenaturenature]

I belong to a community choir and we had our Christmas concert recently. There was a room set aside for us to put our bags and coats in. It was a small room and jam packed after the concert with people collecting their bags.

The make up of the choir is predominantly middle aged and older women with a small number of men.

After the concert finished, we all went to the room to retrieve our bags. When I walked in, one of the men was standing in the corner with his top off and he didn't seem to be in a rush to put one back on. No one else was getting changed.

AIIBU to think it was out of order for him to do that? I feel I want to report him as I'm just sick of men doing shit like this. I've had more than my fair share of poor treatment of every kind over the years and I'm absolutely sick of it. If he wanted to get changed he should have gone to the toilet. I felt very uncomfortable. I didn't feel he was any kind of threat but just WHY? No one was impressed.

AIBU to report him to the choir leader?

In the corner in the middle of the room!

I get you, OP. It's cringey and subtly boundary pushing. Discreetly changing his top on a corner of the room would probably have been fine, but standing around topless for ages is weird - I bet he wouldn't have done it in an all-male choir.
Comparing it to the beach or to a changing room environment is disingenuous IMO - it's about context. Toplessness (male or female) is socially acceptable on the beach or in a single-sex changing room, but in the supermarket or on the school run (or in a room full of women after choir practice) it's weird and performative, especially in December.
I wouldn't complain, but I'd roll my eyes and lose a bit of respect for him.

Oh course they do, but we all know the difference between a topless man and a topless woman.

I hear you @naturenaturenature

Don’t complain, because you’ll sound ridiculous, but I know exactly what you’re talking about. Men like this know what they’re doing, and just hover under the radar in terms of their behaviour but it’s low level boundary testing.

If you complain, you’ll end up being seen as a pearl clutcher or something. And that gives these men more power. You’ve seen him, and you’re vigilant. Do you think he’s more than an annoyance?

You could call him out on the spot but sometimes men like this thrive on a bit of mockery so you can be unwittingly colluding in their grubbiness.

Maybe they were in a round room and he was told to stand in the corner?

Of course he would e done it in an all male choir, have you been in a men’s changing room after a football or rugby match? They’re not concerned with nakedness.

What a stupid comparison. People are scantily clad on beaches and at swimming pools. Standing half naked in a room full of fully dressed people is unnecessary. If he were just changing his top, a quick old top off / new top on was all that was necessary. Anything more is just exhibitionism. I wouldn’t be offended but I would think ‘what an absolute dick’.

You are being ridiculous. A man taking his top off is hardly 'low level shitty behaviour'. I've heard it all now. No-one I know would turn a hair, we are quite used to seeing men with no tops on where I live.

If he then put a different top on then he was just changing his top. He doesn't have to do it at your preferred tempo.

My daughter played in an orchestra, ok, 20 years ago, they got changed together, girls would go to one side. Nobody batted an eyelid.
I play a sport, both sexes. Often if loos are busy, one or 2, male or female will quickly change in the corner. Particularly if they are heading off to work after training. Not about power play but practicality and knowing each other really well.

It was funny, though.

That’ll be it! 🤦‍♀️

What’s he like the rest of the time? How old? Did he have a decent body to show off?

Grim!

You seriously need to sort out your own issues first.
This is beyond ridiculous.

Was he trying to impress with his toned torso OP, or was it a saggy old dad bod?

Either is rather inappropriate, but I'm just interested.

I know there has been issues in the past in the world of tennis over players changing their tops on court. It has always been the norm that men players have changed their tops freely at the change of ends. But when a woman player did this - whilst wearing a sports bra and for a legitimate reason - she was given a warning by the umpire.

I'm sure if OP's choir members did what this man did there would be total outrage from the other women and the Choir leader.
So for that reason alone I feel this guy should have been mindful that perhaps he should have been more respectful that he shouldn't be doing what his fellow choir members couldn't do because of social acceptability.

From.what OP says it does sound as though he was being deliberately exhibitionist and I understand her being annoyed by his behaviour.

If it genuinely bothers you this much and you think he’s just peacocking say something to him at the time rather than complaining later.

If it happens again, just ask him if he’s lost his top then start calling round, ‘Bob has lost his top, does anyone know where it is?’

If he is just showing off, he won’t do it again, if he’s lost his top you’ll help him find it.

No drama.

Edited to add: I do think this is all a bit OTT but if it really bothers OP this might be a strategy.

You can be in a corner and in the middle of a room full of people. One is about location, the other is about what else is going on (lots of people).

I agree with you, OP, but wouldn’t complain in this instance. I suspect there will be people who will side with ‘poor Fred’ and make you uncomfortable.

But you’ve clocked the behaviour now. See if it’s a pattern and make sure you don’t react when he does similar things again. But raise it with the leader when it’s more than one incident. If he’s deliberately tiptoeing over the line, he’ll do it again.

I get this op.
I recently went to a class at my gym. There were only a few of us there. One man. He had already told the rest of us how crap the UK is, nobody asked him he just started telling the rest of us, all women. He then went on to say how he would be returning to China which is a fantastic place to live. Then New Zealand blah blah blah.
During the class ( he stood next to me) he had to drop the very heavy weights he was lifting on a regular basis whilst the rest of us women were fine with the lighter, appropriate weights we had chosen. The instructor even commentated that he might want to get lighter weights, but he ignore her suggestion and carried on having to keep dropping his weights.
Anyway at the end of the class he took his top off.
why?
The changing rooms are adjacent to this room.
No one else, male or female ever does this. Every other person using the changing facilities.
It felt very performative and completely unnecessary.
That’s the type of man who does this.
I turned my back on him, he was stood very close to me in a huge area. They do it because they can. There male ego thinks they are entitled to own the room.
It’s very subtle but it’s still there, the male entitlement.

I am intrigued how long he was stood in the middle of the corner of the room.

I am also intrigued why the op didn’t just get her bag and leave after the concert rather than staying to time him putting on a fresh top.

According to convention it is offensive for women to get their tits out in public, unless photographed by men for porno reasons. Men however are allowed to flash their chest with impunity. I don’t make or necessarily agree with the rules.

Respectfully, he probably looked over dressed compared to some of the female gym attire I've seen 😂

That incident happened 7 years ago and female tennis players are now allowed to change their tops on court (in fact they have been for as long as I remember - the umpire actually got the rule wrong that time).

Why do you feel that it’s ok to take the piss out of a woman who felt uncomfortable that a man was half naked with no good reason in a room full of women? Are women not allowed any boundaries, or are they only allowed the same boundaries as you?