To be sick and tired of being asked where I am from

[Playdoughy]

Just that really.
I am not from the UK, I've lived here a good portion of my life, my child was born here, my husband is also not from the UK (different country than me), and every single time everywhere - restaurants, get-togethers, parties we are invited to, standing in a queue, riding a bus, paying for a book in a bookshop - I really do mean everywhere and every single time - we both get asked where are we from - nicely and in a friendly manner ofcourse.

Now, to be clear - I am proud of where I am from, I don't mind talking about my country, a lot of beautiful things to say. I also don't expect people to assume I am from around here - I am aware of my accent 😁 so it's not like I am 'offended' that I am recognised as a foreigner...
I am just simply tired of the one and the same conversation every single time, day after day, all these years. If after my response I get - 'ah interesting I was wondering about accent' - fine, topic finished. But 90 percent of the time this goes into full conversation - Oh interesting, so what about xyz, how is xyz, do you xyz, how do you xyz.

When people engage into these conversations - does it really never cross their mind that this poor person you are about to interrogate about their roots probably gets that same question all the time and maybe just maybe is tired of it.
How about a good old weather themed conversation? Or asking about where I bought my bag, or recommend a movie, or simply rant about the ridiculous prices... anything but - 'so where are you from?'
And yes I know that the default answer to my post may be - 'If you don't mind me asking but - where are you from?' It is not even funny anymore.

Also is there anything I could potentially do to communicate that these questions are not exactly welcomed, without being rude or sounding like I am trying to hide something or being a weirdo.

But i wouldn't do any of those things.

At some point I may ask though, if we got chatting. Just like I may ask how old your daughter is, or where youre off to.

And for what its worth, it doesnt matter for me (and many of us) what youre accent is. If this is your home, its your home now, just as much as mine or anyone's.

I think we may be saying the same thing tbh, going off the last post , the one Im replying to.

There's a tine and place, I think we all agree on that. Just where the line is is different for us all.

And we're all shaped by by our backgrounds past experiences etc.

Most of us know when the question in the op is being said in a disingenuous way, anf im sorry anyone has every to experience that.

Im bowing out, because all sorts is being said now, which was not part of the original question.

Say, “you’re the fifth person who’s asked me just today alone!” so they know the convo is bloody boring to you.

Honestly, suck it up buttercup. 97% of small talk interactions follow a standard pattern where you get asked about the most obvious thing possible.

If you are from away it's about that. If you have some obvious occupation it may be about that. If you don't have any obvious thing to talk about then you get a comment about the weather, or a local sport event, or whatever.

@Playdoughy I have to admit that I’m surprised that it’s happening to you so much in London. A quick search says that “41% of Londoner's were born outside the UK” so it’s hardly unusual.

Yeah I was keeping it general and was feeling fed up with it altogether, but to be honest, what triggered me to start this thread was a particular conversation I had with a child entertainer yesterday which was borderline abuse. Unfortunately there is that too.

I agree with someone who wrote how my experience (as many others) and some of the feelings people have expressed (even mentioning abuse and racism) may be caused by people who ask these questions with wrong intentions.
I'd also add it is caused by ignorant people and egomaniacs who think that random strangers owe them explanations.
I am not saying that asking someone where they are from should be considered rude by default - it is a question as any other but people should be aware that digging further may be sensitive for some, or even triggering for multitude of reasons. There is time and place.

Imagine complimenting a person about their hair and them telling you it's a wig. You may want to stop there or you may choose to enquire further to find out if it is a personal choice or perhaps due to chemo. Your choice - but let's agree that not everyone would welcome further questions.

Sigh...I guess I must have made it all up then :S Defeated by statistics...
Now seriously:

1. Do you know how many people is 59 percent of London population? Enough for me to get a question from someone here and there. But also
2. Why do you assume that only people born in the UK would ask this? (Actually probably it's those that are not who ask more often)
3. I also understand that by stating the numbers you are merely suggesting that I am not that unusual for London standards, hence why would I be asked about this. Great question - and I'd like to know that too!!

It wil keep happening, forever. People are just trying to be nice.

Get used to it.

Fair enough.

To be honest I’d just be happy if people asked once and if for whatever reason I say Bexley instead of x country they stop there. If people take one thing from this thread , “no, where are you really from” is not an acceptable/appropriate sequel.

DD’s ortho : where did you come from?
me: name of town , so we didn’t have to travel too far.
DD’s ortho: no, where are YOU from?

Explain to me how or why is that nice?

People taking an interest in you is them being nice. Stop pretending you don't get that. Or stay home and never interact with anyone publicly ever again. That would be best, all round, for everyone.

Im glad we can agree.

We all know what the stinking intent is behind people who go on to say/ really mean that.

@Playdoughy I’m not doubting your experience at all. Tbh, your update that many people who ask were born outside the UK confirms my earlier suggestion that this behavior is global, because humans are nosy creatures!

People are just making conversation. Nothing more or less.

I find this very hard to believe for mutiple reasons, particularly after living most of my adult life in london strangers in london rarely talk to one another.

Have a look into main character syndrome.

Because just because someone has an accent, doesn’t mean they are not from the area. Asking them where they are from means you have assumed that only people with a very specific profile are ‘from’ there. Being ‘from’ somewhere is complicated for many people. Leave it for stage two or three of the conversation, unless there is some practical, immediate reason you might need to know or it won’t be offensive - ie - giving directions to an obvious tourist or something.

Perhaps they find conversation hard and latch on to a topic that gives you something to talk about that they can work with? I do that a lot. Why not think that it is people trying to connect rather than thinking is about your discomfort - or at least tell them what you think so they don’t waste their energy and time.

Stop pretending you don’t understand the difference .

Nah, you sound unhinged and desperate to start some sort of argument and feel victimised by perfectly nice strangers taking an interest.

Absolutely no pretence here. Grow up.

Also, it will keep happening. Forever. Stay home or get used to it.

@EatYourDamnPie I preempt it by saying that we’re from X town but I’m originally from the UK.

@Wetoldyousaurus i really disagree with this analysis. Some people may think that way but not all - it’s a perfectly normal question that has been framed as only having one intent behind it. It’s really dangerous to do this to language and conversation - it assumes intent where there is none as though the speaker does not fully understand their own words or is being deliberately sly.

Tbf it didn’t even cross my mind because of the setting and also, I’m so settled now it’s an automatic response, as ingrained as x country or y city used to be before I moved here.

@Fleurdeville in communication there is intent (the speaker), the actual words (medium) and the effect (recipient/audience). Intent and the will/curiosity of the speaker are only one part of this. In this forum, a significant proportion of the recipients of the question ‘where are you from’ are expressing that whilst there may (or may not be) be ‘good’ intent, the effect, depending on context, can be unpleasant for them. So it might be useful for people to consider this when they ask it. All we are asking for is a short pause. Am I assuming this person is not ‘from here’ because they have a slight accent? What is the context of this assumption? Why does it matter to me where they consider themselves to be ‘from’? Could it be annoying for them to have to explain this right now when booking a hair appointment or sitting on a bus? What if they are ‘from here’ but just have an accent, how will they then answer my question without worrying about making me feel awkward, or appearing rude?

I think we’re probably talking about different things — intent versus impact. I can see why the impact builds up over time, even if the intent isn’t harmful.

I’m a northerner in London and get the same all the time. Never bothered me tbh.