To be sick and tired of being asked where I am from

[Playdoughy]

Just that really.
I am not from the UK, I've lived here a good portion of my life, my child was born here, my husband is also not from the UK (different country than me), and every single time everywhere - restaurants, get-togethers, parties we are invited to, standing in a queue, riding a bus, paying for a book in a bookshop - I really do mean everywhere and every single time - we both get asked where are we from - nicely and in a friendly manner ofcourse.

Now, to be clear - I am proud of where I am from, I don't mind talking about my country, a lot of beautiful things to say. I also don't expect people to assume I am from around here - I am aware of my accent 😁 so it's not like I am 'offended' that I am recognised as a foreigner...
I am just simply tired of the one and the same conversation every single time, day after day, all these years. If after my response I get - 'ah interesting I was wondering about accent' - fine, topic finished. But 90 percent of the time this goes into full conversation - Oh interesting, so what about xyz, how is xyz, do you xyz, how do you xyz.

When people engage into these conversations - does it really never cross their mind that this poor person you are about to interrogate about their roots probably gets that same question all the time and maybe just maybe is tired of it.
How about a good old weather themed conversation? Or asking about where I bought my bag, or recommend a movie, or simply rant about the ridiculous prices... anything but - 'so where are you from?'
And yes I know that the default answer to my post may be - 'If you don't mind me asking but - where are you from?' It is not even funny anymore.

Also is there anything I could potentially do to communicate that these questions are not exactly welcomed, without being rude or sounding like I am trying to hide something or being a weirdo.

My DD has very very bright ginger hair, people comment on it constantly and sometimes I just want to scream ‘yes, sometimes white people have ginger hair, it’s not THAT unusual’ but I bite my tongue and say in a tired voice ‘oh, you’re the third person today to say that to me’ and hope they take the hint.

No.

I want an example of a question that could never possibly offend, bore, annoy or “exhaust” someone…

I'm not saying everyone's got negative intentions, just that the question itself is not a 'small' question, it's a pretty important one and I can totally see how not everyone would be receptive to sharing their life story at the drop of a hat. I hate nosiness and I hate to pry, so I never ask unless I know the person better and they've volunteered the info. There's plenty of other ways to show interest in someone.

How many times have you been married?
Do you have kids?
No? Why not?
How many jobs have you had?

I wouldn't ask them either at a bus stop... but if 'where are you from' is ok because it's 'small talk' why not ask the above? They're on par in terms of how personal they are.

@StandFirm I’m careful not to give my life history, I generally say that I’m from the UK originally and have lived here about 15 years. Then I ask them where they’re from!

it can be quite interesting especially if one of us has visited the other person’s country or home town-or we want to at some point.

They are absolutely not on par. 😂😂😂😂😂

This thread has reminded me of a woman I used to work with who had triplets and said she got so sick of people asking her whether she’d had IVF that she dreaded leaving the house when her children were babies. Like just random people at bus stops and cafes coming over and asking without any other small talk.

I agree with you, they are on par. It was a big life-changing decision for my family to emigrate. I don't want to talk to strangers about how I was starving in my 'home country' and my parents had to find jobs here?! Lots of ignorant people here looking for an easy ice-breaker.

If you're happy to bond over that, then of course, it's ok! (I mean, I'm not here to judge anyone) But I can imagine it could be more difficult or draining for someone else. Just the fact that you're saying you're careful not to give your life history infers it's not an entirely meaningless question iyswim. It requires some thought. 'Small talk' usually doesn't, it's just an icebreaker before you get to a more personal level.

I'm from the northwest of the UK, actually. But I don't live there now. I'm a long way from home, in the opposite hemisphere for 16 years. My father's family is french Algerian actually but he also grew up in the UK so even though he and I both speak French we have the Northern accent, although mine has softened over the years I lived down south for uni. And if course I've picked up a twang but still noticeably different to the 'native' accent here.

Yeah, I do miss it, it's a beautiful country, especially around where I went to school. But the weather could be better, you're right. Polite chuckle.

Yes, sometimes. Among a load of others stuff, its a reasonable question for small talk!

They're really not

Oh wow - i thought i recognised a bit of a French twang. That’s really funny my husband’s family are French Algerian - pied noir they can themselves- ended up in Marseille i think. Do you keep up with your French?

Lots of ignorant people here looking for an easy ice-breaker.

@FondOfOwls I think you’re being too harsh. You don’t have to share details with random people, I just say that I’m originally from the UK.

I’ll admit that I’m a chatty sort though, people know me by name in many local shops and cafes, because I’ll often have a chat if I’ve got time. 😂

This the crux of the matter isn't it.

So people are private and not keen on small talk! Its fair enough.

Some are.

Thats it.

And both types of people will occasionally get on each other's nerves.

Its not the end of the world is it.

My whole point is that for many people they ARE on par. Not for you, ok, but your experience is different from someone who has come here from somewhere else - whether by choice or necessity - and may not enjoy having that fact rammed down their throat on a daily basis.
Is it so difficult to look at things from a different perspective?
If we truly accept immigrants, we shouldn't make them feel like they have to explain their very presence here constantly. If you want to bond with someone because you're curious about them, maybe just treat them like their difference is not the very first thing you see and hear.

This.

There's plenty of other ways to show interest in someone.

But how can people possibly know which particular way you think is acceptable and which one you'll get the hump about?

It's not imperative you share your life story. You can even tell people to fuck off if you want, you can do whatever you like - just don't expect anyone to not think you're being unreasonable.

But cant you see that if we cant speak about where we all come from, with good and friendly intentions, those people have bloody well won

And some people LIKE To be asked!

You have to navigate what conversations are socially acceptable for strangers, such as small talk about where they’re from or places they’re traveled. Asking them about their Christmas plans.

I can definitely give you a little advice to get you started, “How many times have you been married?” would be considered impolite culturally xxx

"Some people like to be asked"
But is it ok to assume and lead the conversation with that one first?

The rest was sarcasm. Thought that was pretty bleeding obvious.

I've never been to Marseille actually - although I hear it's lovely. Do you go often? My aunt and her family live here too actually so yeah, we do speak French when I'm at hers, but that's only a few times a year now since I had kids. Hopefully between Christmas and New year.

Yes. And it’s ok to be offended by it. It’s just that the offence doesn’t trump the cultural acceptance.

I'm not saying it should be taboo, on the contrary. But maybe just wait til you know someone just a tiny bit longer, not diving straight into origin stories.

Tbh, we should be careful asking about Christmas plans as not everyone celebrates Christmas.

I actually don’t ask about Christmas. 🤷