To be sick and tired of being asked where I am from

[Playdoughy]

Just that really.
I am not from the UK, I've lived here a good portion of my life, my child was born here, my husband is also not from the UK (different country than me), and every single time everywhere - restaurants, get-togethers, parties we are invited to, standing in a queue, riding a bus, paying for a book in a bookshop - I really do mean everywhere and every single time - we both get asked where are we from - nicely and in a friendly manner ofcourse.

Now, to be clear - I am proud of where I am from, I don't mind talking about my country, a lot of beautiful things to say. I also don't expect people to assume I am from around here - I am aware of my accent 😁 so it's not like I am 'offended' that I am recognised as a foreigner...
I am just simply tired of the one and the same conversation every single time, day after day, all these years. If after my response I get - 'ah interesting I was wondering about accent' - fine, topic finished. But 90 percent of the time this goes into full conversation - Oh interesting, so what about xyz, how is xyz, do you xyz, how do you xyz.

When people engage into these conversations - does it really never cross their mind that this poor person you are about to interrogate about their roots probably gets that same question all the time and maybe just maybe is tired of it.
How about a good old weather themed conversation? Or asking about where I bought my bag, or recommend a movie, or simply rant about the ridiculous prices... anything but - 'so where are you from?'
And yes I know that the default answer to my post may be - 'If you don't mind me asking but - where are you from?' It is not even funny anymore.

Also is there anything I could potentially do to communicate that these questions are not exactly welcomed, without being rude or sounding like I am trying to hide something or being a weirdo.

I go to the Edinburgh festival every year. I am not Sottish . It is perfectly normal for people to chat with complete strangers whilst waiting to go into a show. I'm obviously not from Scotland and Americans will freely ask where I'm from. My DIL is American and from LA so we'll have a chat about that too. It's just chat. My SIL is Australian. If I'm chatting to Australians I'll mention her too. It's not othering. It's just chat.

When I first moved to London in 1998 I was asked several times a week "Is that a Northern accent? Where are you from?"

Now it takes them several minutes as I've slightly lost my accent. Not on purpose.

Honestly I wouldn’t care.

Most people are asking out of curiosity. It’s not malicious, just interest in someone who is different to them. It’s a natural human response - you don’t sound like me, you’re from somewhere else, I want to find out more.

I appreciate if someone wants to feel they ‘belong’ or have assimilated into a new country that they might be upset by constant questioning, but the reality is, if you have an accent, people will ask you. It’s part and parcel of living abroad and you do to a certain extent have to expect it, and learn to deal with it with good humour and grace. If you have issues with being reminded of your home country or sensitivities about your identity or whatever then you can’t put that on other people and make it their fault when they ask you innocent questions based on hearing an accent.

I do find it wearying that everything is ‘othering’ and ‘hurtful’ these days - people commenting on difference aren’t all racists and bigots. Often they are just curious or seeking to make a point of connection. People commenting on the fact that you are originally from somewhere else doesn’t mean you don’t belong or aren’t welcome.

Because you don’t know someone is from ‘somewhere else’ when you ask. You are assuming they are, based on something about that person that you consider ‘foreign’ or ‘not from here’. And having that pointed out to you multiple times a day, as the OP is experiencing, is wearisome at best and very painful at worst, especially for the children of immigrants, and people who have been part of a community for decades. By all means, ask. But tske a moment to consider the context of the question and sometimes find out something else, before asking that. That’s all.

Obviously you do know, for it to be a question at all.
How much are you talking to strangers to get it "multiple times a day"?

Even if it was something different you are always asked, your wish to have varied conversation is reasonable.

Once a year at the Edinburgh Festival isn't the same as standing in a queue, sitting on a bus or any other everyday situations.

I can see why it would be irritating if it were a frequent occirance.

It's one thing being asked where you're from if you are away from home and completely different when you are home.

Some people do it because they're curious or they're not very good at small talk and are trying to branch out from conversations about the weather! But it is rude and most people now would know that. It's a form of deliberate 'othering' and is offensive.

Came here to say this!
Weather-themed conversation ought to demonstrate a Britishness that trumps whatever accent you have, IMO!

Agree - it’s what’s called an ‘icebreaker’. It’s just meant to be an innocuous conversation starter. The issue is OP clearly doesn’t want to talk to anyone.

It's impolite to persist in getting someone to tell you where they're "really" from - when they've answered, but the answer doesn't align with your prejudice.

There is nothing inherently impolite about asking someone where they're from.

You’re talking about something entirely different.

The OP clearly has a strong accent that means she’s easily identifiable as not British the second she opens her mouth. That’s therefore why people ask the question of where she’s from and want to find out more.

You’re referencing second generation immigrants who are not going to be easily identifiable as ‘not from here’ unless they’re not white, and are receiving comments based on their skin colour even though they are British. That’s a whole different issue to the one the OP is experiencing.

It’s really not helpful to conflate what is curiosity about an accent with people asking second generation immigrants where they’re ‘really’ from.

Especially in London. I don't think anyone in London on the tube/ bus/ train/ cafe etc etc has ever said a single word to me EVER. I live in a small village in rural England. People speak as they pass even if they don't know each other. I have never , ever had that happen in London. The only people ( apart from shop assistants/ cafe staff) who ever acknowledge me at all are tourists in Hyde Park ( I always walk through it from/ Paddington station) who ask if I'll take a photo of them together. Presumably I don't look like I'd run off with their phone/ tell them to fuck off.

I’d say pretend you don’t speak English but then you might need to at some point if you’re queuing in a shop to order something 🤣

I would guess it’s because occasionally the asker is very racist and the moment the question is asked the OP may be on guard in case the conversation isn’t general chat but something more negative and nasty ? What seems normal chat if you have never had a bad experience becomes something else if you have ?

When I go abroad, people always ask me where I'm from. That's normal behaviour as they're interested.

@Playdoughy People like to place an accent! I tend to ask about a South African one because my DDs spent a term at a school in SA. I hope it’s not intrusive or rude. It usually starts a conversation! People like to know what region of the uk you are from too. It’s a form of connection. Most people are proud of their birth country or region. I’d probably not see it as rude but black and brown people will. So I’d not ask them ever. If they wish to mention their heritage, of course they can.

My partner gets this daily, but it’s because of how he looks, he used to live in London and preferred it there as everyone is too busy for silly questions like this.
change your tube route and keep your head down 😂

That's what I was thinking.
You cant please some people 🤣

Just stop talking to randomers in queues and on buses?
What is OP doing to be so constantly talked to by complete strangers they're briefly standing next to?

I get this all the time, and not in a pleasant chitchat kind of way. I'm white, English, but have a Scottish accent as that's where I grew up.

The other day a man very aggressively asked me where I'm from. I told him a town a bit away from where I live, and he said, no, originally. I told him a city near where I was born and he became very angry!

Other times it's more patronising. Where are you from, dear? And they just keep digging, digging, digging.

A lot of the time I turn it back on them and weirdly, a high percentage of the people who think it's fine to ask me don't like me asking them. And I ask nicely, it's not as if I'm barking my questions at them.

Some don't even believe me when I say an English place! Some think my parents must be Scottish instead and start asking about them! These are the ones who can't seem to grasp that English people can move to Scotland then move back again.

The questioning is never ending. Sometimes, a lot times, no kind of deflection works, because the person is just so "curious". Then, when I've had enough and change the subject, they just keep on!

People criticising others for not wanting to engage have no idea how bloody incessant people can be about this, and how exhausting it is because it's never just asking where are you from, then moving on, it just feels like a constant barrage of questions once they've decided how fascinating it is to them.

Second generation immigrants also tend to have the accent of where they live when they speak English. Someone with immigrant parents but born and raised in Bradford will sound like other 'born there' Bradfordians. Their parents will not.

I was surprised to read this happens in London but on reflection I think it depends which part of London.

Conversation starters, ice breakers, whatever you want to call them about the weather, the length of the queue, how good the carol singers are are all neutral and all snippets of small talk I engaged in with strangers yesterday.

They require nothing from either party than an acknowledgement of a shared experience.

Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear your private conversation with someome else and noticed your accent isn’t one I'm familiar withl and now I want you to satisfy my curiosity by telling me where your family is originally from isn't the same.

Many people are asked this question frequently who have very slight differences in accent, from growing up in bilingual households for example, or looks. The point is, the OP doesn’t want to be reminded multiple times a day that people don’t consider her to ‘belong’ here. And many people experience this same thing and also don’t like this, for many different reasons. So ‘where are you from?’ should be a question people reserve for appropriate contexts. But they don’t. And it can be miserable if you are on the receiving end of this, day in, day out.