To not go back to full time work

[Karma1387]

Just looking for some advise on if I would be silly/unreasonable to not return to full time work post kids.

For a bit of background I currently have a toddler and due baby number 2 soon. I left my retail management job after finishing maternity leave with DC 1 and I have just worked 2 days a week as a shop assistant for the last year and now currently on maternity leave before DC2 comes in a few months.

My partner earns around 50k although this may decrease slightly in the next 2 years as we are moving areas and he may come off nights.

I have no desire to go back to a management career as I don't want to lose out on the time with my kids or the stress. I looked at what I would earn full time minimum wage in a full time job (as well as pension contributions) which would be a bring home of around 19500 and £75 a month into my pension.

However the cost of wrap around childcare (if we only had 2 children) as well as holiday clubs would cost around £10500 (based on current costs who knows in 2-4 years when kids start school.

Personally as someone who doesn't want to move up the career ladder would I be better off just staying as a basic shop worker 2 days a week and having more time with my kids?

YABU to give up work when you're not married, and in answer to your q it makes MORE difference if you're only in a minimum wage job. It may all be fine and dandy now but Mumsnet is full of threads by women in your position who gave up work or went very part time and didn't get married and then when the relationship breaks down are completely scuppered because they aren't entitled to anything and have given up their career and earning potential to support their partner who walks away with a great wage and sometimes the house (as often they are not on the mortgage because they weren't earning) and their previously loving partner is playing dirty. You use the term 'we' when talking about assets. If you're not married then there is no 'we' it's your assets or his assets and if he is the main earner then they're his. Don't give up work until you are married. It's not just a piece of paper and an engagement means nothing (particularly if it goes on for more than year). If you don't want a wedding that's the. Just get the bits of paper (i.e legally binding contract) signed. That's the important bit.

We will get the wedding sorted for the summer next year so that is dealt with.

The impression I have from this thread is if we are married its okay for me to give up my career (although I have done that already) but appreciate the sooner we sort the marriage the sooner I am covered legally.

Honestly I wouldn't advise anyone to totally give up their career, whether married or not. Even if married, spousal maintenance on divorce is vanishingly rare and time limited. Hopefully you'll find a balance that works, personally I'd work a bit more so I had pension contributions.

Honestly, no. I think you’re mad not to get a career going and give up on yourself at 28.

Between you and your partner you have very little in the way of wealth at all - v minimal pensions, limited savings, debts. Yet you don’t seem to have any drive to do anything about that and just keep saying the same thing about retail not being compatible with being a parent and it being more important for you to be around for your kids.

Find something more flexible and train for that. Your 40 year old self will thank you for it.

@MyQuirkyFinchI also find the lack of ambition difficult to comprehend. However OP must be very good at managing her money if her kids will want for nothing on their joint income

Your never going to get the answer that works for you some are more career driven and prefer all the childcare, some want to cut back or stop for a while and spend time on there kids so do what is right for you. Marriage is not the protection people are claiming these days unless you've been married quite a lot of time, these days the majority of cases that come thru our office rarely mean anything for each party other than a huge court bill because they can't agree on the small amounts they have or who should have the house and who shouldn't etc and half the time it's a huge tit for tat bill with hardly any assets money wise to divide as it takes many many years to get a decent pension and in the modern day not many have them as much. Do what makes you happy and enjoy your family

I don't post on Mumsnet asking questions like these any more, as I know the majority will advise to not give up work entirely, keep paying into a pension, and cannot understand women who are not ambitious (regarding paid work) and career-driven. They are mostly obsessed with pensions and savings and being financially independent.

Someone on here recently said to me there are three main pillars in life; relationships/friendsips, hobbies/social, and then work. For me, who left school at 16 and only has L2 qualifications, I haven't focussed so much on the work pillar since having children. I personally feel like the relationships & hobbies pillars are within my control, and have been fortunate that I could focus 100% on them (including plenty of volunteering over the past 15 years). I couldn't flourish and achieve across all three without burning out.

Now the children are older I can choose to focus on the work one; something that has often felt outside of my control. I know a lot of people in great jobs through a combination of hard work and LUCK. Being career-minded isn't a fixed thing for me; it's something that can be picked up and put down (unlike devoting all your energy into your small children and relationships, if you can afford to and want to).

It surprises me that people on here are surprised when woman choose to give up work for a short period to focus on their children. We're not all the same; we don't all prioritise money and work and careers. We don't all have the capacity to juggle all three and do them well. I'm fully confident that my identity as Mother was fulfilling and busy enough for a few short years when they were little. I wish more mums would do the same. Not everyone has the same life experiences and luck; and a lot of us take a measured risk when it comes to savings and pensions, and are ok with that.

*edited to add: living in a capitalist society has a lot to answer for in my opinion (waits to get told I'm wrong).

This! Planning to stay at home till secondary is mad. What will you do if he leaves?

OP does not intend to give up work for a short time.

Depends on your definition of short; I was a SAHM for six years. Hoping to live until I'm 70ish (most of my family die young; my mum never reached retirement age, neither did my brother) so that is short for me.

Perhaps it's all too much for OP to think about right now; she's pregnant with dc2 and has had a tough time of it with her health. She's probably taking one day at a time and trying to get through this pregnancy the best she can.

I don't think my kids will 'want for nothing' I am sure they would love to go on annual trips to disneyworld etc but lets be honest that isn't the reality for most people even with 2 wages.

Our household income even with me just doing 2 days a week is around £65k (potentially 70k with bonus). There are lots of families with 2 full time working parents who don't have a household income of that.

Yes I could give my kids all the fancy holidays if ai went back to a full time career but honestly the point of this post is are those extra fancy holidays really work losing all that time with the kid?

We will be able to afford to put our kids into clubs, go on a holiday every year, we already have monthly savings for them to help them when they are adults. I feel that I am missing something with all of these responses as I can't really see anyone having any good reasons to miss out on my kids childhoods besides a pension.

As for lack of ambition, I had lots of ambition hence getting to the role I was in prior to having DC1. But after he was born I had a different ambition, to be a present and engaged parent who wasn't pulling her hair out trying to climb a new career ladder and miss out on something I chose to have. I class it as ambition to be the best parent I can possibly be rather than ambition to climb the career ladder.

Well obviously if this happened I would have to change plans. I am not someone who is going to spend her life living in fear of 'what if he leaves' at the expense with my children.

If I get to spend the first 5 years with my kids and then my relationship broke down at least I would have had those 5 years.

Compared to if I went back to a full career 'just in case' missing out on their childhoods and we live happily for the next 50 years.

Nobody knows what is coming tomorrow.

Does it matter if its a short time or until secondary school.

So many people talk about how quickly time goes and how quick kids grow up. Yet the idea of focusing just 10-15 years of my life (out of say 70-80 years) is deemed to be insane. I really can't get my head around it. All in the name of a supposedly worthwhile career and a pension.

It's your choice entirely, but I don"t believe 'nobody knows what is coming tomorrow'.Those with savings and a pension do know, more or less.. Your partner doesn't earn that much either.

Really those at 28 have huge pensions which will secure them if their partner leaves... I find that hard to believe.

A lot of people at this age are trying to get onto the property ladder. I doubt many are earning loads of money and shoving 15% into their pensions.

Did you also know that you can each take 18 weeks unpaid leave for childcare each for a person under 18? Just another option to not miss family time

I think pp have explained your precarious financial position and the impact of staying at home till your kids are 15 better than I can, so I won't labour the point any more.

Her DP doesn't want to spend time with their kids

100% I know you can. You aren't however guaranteed to have it during school holidays when it would be more financially useful.

It doesn't really make up for the lack of day to day time with them and being able to take them to clubs they enjoy etc.

But I will be making use of them to increase my partners time with them a bit each year as he gets far less with us.

That isn't true at all. He doesn't get a lot of time with us and no I wouldn't ask him to give up his job.

That does not mean he doesnt want time with our kids. He would happily take unpaid parental leave to spend more time with the kids each year.

First poster got it right in a nutshell.

Many women move to part time work when they have small kids. I did over 30 years ago when maternity leave was 3 weeks. Nurseries were then more expensive than today without any kind of help from government.

Moving part time gives you the advantage of still being part of the workforce. Depending the company you work for, it could be very easy to go back to full time when your kids are in school.

You've done your financial numbers and it's worth it. Go for it.

@Karma1387 I'm on your side. Nobody knows what the future holds, so you can only make decisions knowing what you know and feel today.

You can be a SAHM AND ambitious! It really boils my piss when it's portrayed at being mutually exclusive.

Oh, and thanks to Mumsnet I did actually spend those SAHM years worrying "what if he leaves?" and it had a negative impact on our relationship tbh. Like there was an undercurrent of mistrust. I really regret it, because 15 years later we're still going strong...

You are as close to guaranteed to get the time as one can be while working.

employers can delay it by up to 6 months but they need to set out in writing why you can't have it and propose alternative suitable dates, after consulting with you.

So you could say you want 4 weeks for summer hols, alternatively October half term and December as its for childcare purposes so you put the ball back in their court.

If youre considering being unpaid anyway then you have nothing to lose as you'll still get annual leave.

Yes potentially we could take it separately and possibly get it for the holidays but there are no guarantees you could get it in the holidays.

It also doesnt change the day to day time with the kids. I want my kids to be able to go to swimming lessons, martial arts, football etc which would be a heck of a lot harder if not impossible if they are in childcare until 6pm.

But the option of unpaid parental leave will be helpful for my partner to get to get to spend some extra time with us.

It sounds like you have already made up your mind. I know it’s what you want, but in the long run have you thought about whether it’s best for your children? To be honest, having more money for the household and a good career will give them more options further down the line. They can benefit from extra money and your career experience, as well as your partners. My own mum was a stay at home mum and I had to always work extra hard for things