Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go back to full time work

256 replies

Karma1387 · 20/12/2025 19:19

Just looking for some advise on if I would be silly/unreasonable to not return to full time work post kids.

For a bit of background I currently have a toddler and due baby number 2 soon. I left my retail management job after finishing maternity leave with DC 1 and I have just worked 2 days a week as a shop assistant for the last year and now currently on maternity leave before DC2 comes in a few months.

My partner earns around 50k although this may decrease slightly in the next 2 years as we are moving areas and he may come off nights.

I have no desire to go back to a management career as I don't want to lose out on the time with my kids or the stress. I looked at what I would earn full time minimum wage in a full time job (as well as pension contributions) which would be a bring home of around 19500 and £75 a month into my pension.

However the cost of wrap around childcare (if we only had 2 children) as well as holiday clubs would cost around £10500 (based on current costs who knows in 2-4 years when kids start school.

Personally as someone who doesn't want to move up the career ladder would I be better off just staying as a basic shop worker 2 days a week and having more time with my kids?

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 21/12/2025 10:17

VioletSpeedwell · 21/12/2025 10:14

OP - will your DP see his salary as family money or will he be a twat and say it's his because he's earned it?

Will you have a joint account or will he be transferring "housekeeping" to you with you having to ask for extra when needed. Or going without because he says no.

Im amazed by the number of women on MN who are in this position.

Being a SAHM/working PT is only viable if he respects what you're doing and doesn't act the Big I Am.

All our money is completely joint. We use the joint account for everything and keep a very small amount each as our personal spend if we wanted to spend it on a new game or something.

We both run and big purchases by eachother but he doesn't scrutinise what I spend or when. I actually handle all of the budgeting and bits.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 21/12/2025 10:19

kittywittyandpretty · 21/12/2025 10:15

Is this house rented or bought you keep saying there’s no assets but the house is in your name? So is there an asset or not?
That’s the only thing that matters to be deadly honest. With regards to marriage

With regards to whether you should stay at home and acquire your own assets in your own name yes of course you bloody well should.

Start watching and learning from people around you about compounded interest, The single most important thing you have on your side is time
Even tiny amounts of money can accumulate into reasonable sums just by being in the game so to speak
If you’re not in it, you can’t win it

Show quote history

I mean no assets of his to be split. The house is mine (not a huge amount of equity) the equity will be used in 2027 when we relocate to buy our joint house plus pay off debt.

OP posts:
RessicaJabbit · 21/12/2025 10:20

Karma1387 · 21/12/2025 10:15

All our bank accounts are joint and house is in my name not his but I hadn't really considered the hospital side of things so thank you.

Show quote history

Well, you're not married and have a joint account?

So if he dies... That's part of his estate, that needs to perhaps be put through intestacy if he has no will... Or the executor of the will would do that. Are you his executor? Does he have a will? Will you inherit everything? Are you sure?

What happens if YOU die? Your house will go to who? ...the kids? He'll be homeless with two kids... He'll have none of your assets...

Neither of you are entitled to anything...

MrsFaustus · 21/12/2025 10:20

Sorry may have misunderstood but you own a house which is in your name only? Then getting married may not be the right thing to do as if you split your husband would have a claim.

RessicaJabbit · 21/12/2025 10:21

Karma1387 · 21/12/2025 10:17

All our money is completely joint. We use the joint account for everything and keep a very small amount each as our personal spend if we wanted to spend it on a new game or something.

We both run and big purchases by eachother but he doesn't scrutinise what I spend or when. I actually handle all of the budgeting and bits.

Show quote history

Again...that small amount in his name.... You won't be entitled to it upon death...nor he yours...

Unless you both have very good wills? And you're hoping they don't get contested by either family?

RessicaJabbit · 21/12/2025 10:22

MrsFaustus · 21/12/2025 10:20

Sorry may have misunderstood but you own a house which is in your name only? Then getting married may not be the right thing to do as if you split your husband would have a claim.

So what?

If she's supposed to protect herself financially,so can be.

If the OP does there's TWO KIDS left, and what, they should be made homeless and motherless?

VioletSpeedwell · 21/12/2025 10:23

Karma1387 · 21/12/2025 10:17

All our money is completely joint. We use the joint account for everything and keep a very small amount each as our personal spend if we wanted to spend it on a new game or something.

We both run and big purchases by eachother but he doesn't scrutinise what I spend or when. I actually handle all of the budgeting and bits.

Show quote history

Great! Enjoy your kids - I don't regret my time off with my girl who's all grown up now - I'd love to do it all again with her!

Now I'll wish you a Merry Christmas and trust you to book the Register Office first thing Monday morning!

Purlant · 21/12/2025 10:23

Have you taken into account tax free childcare? You can use this through school as well. I wouldn’t rule out breakfast and after school club. Mine absolutely love them!! They get to play with all their friends or learn a new sport or instrument. There is little quality time rushing around in the morning anyway!

Have you thought about changing careers? You’ll have a lot of transferable skills. I work full time and have not missed a nativity, sports day, etc. I also pick them up at normal time on Fridays. I would give up full time work if I had debt, and little pension. It sounds really tough to bring up a family on £50k, wouldn’t you like some holidays? That’s where I find the quality time comes, everyone is relaxed, and we have so much fun.

My mum didn’t work (well very part time) and didn’t go back to full time until we were in late secondary school. I always felt a bit sad for her, she was really clever and I would have appreciated a strong female role model when it came to full time working. Unfortunately us siblings didn’t really appreciate the house stuff she did, it was very gender traditional and she turned into a bit of a martyr. I was determined not to be the same and we have a very fair and equal split in our house. Our children see both their parents working, cleaning, cooking, taking time off when they’re sick etc.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 21/12/2025 10:25

Nevermind17 · 21/12/2025 10:15

£40 a month into a pension is nothing, especially if you’ve had a career break of a few years. If you want a comfortable retirement the recommendation is that you pay half your age as a percentage of your net pay, so if you’re 30, you should pay 15%.

Show quote history

Once I am through maternity leave and we have moved we will increase contributions.

If I did 15% my contributions would go up to £150. So about 11k a year in retirement according to the calculators.

OP posts:
singthing · 21/12/2025 10:25

"Engaged but not overly fussed with when we eventually marry."

I always feel a bit weird about this kind of statement.

First off, why even bother getting engaged if there's so little interest or inclination to get married?
Second, if it's such small potatoes, then just go down the registry office, rope in a couple of passers-by as witnesses and just get it done one day.

Third, I never believe both parties really feel this way in equal strength, otherwise they wouldn't be engaged see first point. Either a reluctant proposal to keep things quiet, or a hope that the other will change their stance.

I agree with pp. You are taking all the risk. Just get married and that risk virtually vanishes. If your partner is unwilling, then that is telling.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 21/12/2025 10:29

Purlant · 21/12/2025 10:23

Have you taken into account tax free childcare? You can use this through school as well. I wouldn’t rule out breakfast and after school club. Mine absolutely love them!! They get to play with all their friends or learn a new sport or instrument. There is little quality time rushing around in the morning anyway!

Have you thought about changing careers? You’ll have a lot of transferable skills. I work full time and have not missed a nativity, sports day, etc. I also pick them up at normal time on Fridays. I would give up full time work if I had debt, and little pension. It sounds really tough to bring up a family on £50k, wouldn’t you like some holidays? That’s where I find the quality time comes, everyone is relaxed, and we have so much fun.

My mum didn’t work (well very part time) and didn’t go back to full time until we were in late secondary school. I always felt a bit sad for her, she was really clever and I would have appreciated a strong female role model when it came to full time working. Unfortunately us siblings didn’t really appreciate the house stuff she did, it was very gender traditional and she turned into a bit of a martyr. I was determined not to be the same and we have a very fair and equal split in our house. Our children see both their parents working, cleaning, cooking, taking time off when they’re sick etc.

Yeah tax free childcare would take a bit off but I would still just about earn the same part time retail as I would if I just went for a full time minimum wage job.

I know I could do something else and probably work my way up and earn more but the idea of missing time with my kids makes me sad. My mum chose her career over raising her kids and my poor dad who did raise us was working every hour under the sun to keep a roof over our heads and he always says one of his biggest regrets is not having the time for us.

OP posts:
Bimmering · 21/12/2025 10:29

At this stage, I think it's probably the right call for you.

Once the kids get to school age, I think you may end up deciding to work more.

Your costs for wraparound and holiday clubs look high to me - are you factoring in tax free childcare? And the fact that you can take some annual leave separately to cover holidays?

Even if they turn out to be correct, that extra 10k a year may well be something you want once your kids start wanting to do extracurriculars, when you're paying for holidays in school holidays etc

Also my kids actually enjoy breakfast and after school club, and holiday clubs. You don't know yet what sort of kids you will have at that age

But you have time to decide that.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 21/12/2025 10:33

singthing · 21/12/2025 10:25

"Engaged but not overly fussed with when we eventually marry."

I always feel a bit weird about this kind of statement.

First off, why even bother getting engaged if there's so little interest or inclination to get married?
Second, if it's such small potatoes, then just go down the registry office, rope in a couple of passers-by as witnesses and just get it done one day.

Third, I never believe both parties really feel this way in equal strength, otherwise they wouldn't be engaged see first point. Either a reluctant proposal to keep things quiet, or a hope that the other will change their stance.

I agree with pp. You are taking all the risk. Just get married and that risk virtually vanishes. If your partner is unwilling, then that is telling.

It was a very unexpected proposal from my partner last christmas. He has asked a few times through the year about when we will be getting married. Honestly I haven't rushed it as it causes me a lot of stress and anxiety. I want my dad and sister there but I don't want my mum and her husband and I know it is going to cause such an argument I didn't want to deal with. I then got pregnant with DC2 and its been a rough pregnancy so I said we would work it out and deal with it probably later next year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 21/12/2025 10:36

Bimmering · 21/12/2025 10:29

At this stage, I think it's probably the right call for you.

Once the kids get to school age, I think you may end up deciding to work more.

Your costs for wraparound and holiday clubs look high to me - are you factoring in tax free childcare? And the fact that you can take some annual leave separately to cover holidays?

Even if they turn out to be correct, that extra 10k a year may well be something you want once your kids start wanting to do extracurriculars, when you're paying for holidays in school holidays etc

Also my kids actually enjoy breakfast and after school club, and holiday clubs. You don't know yet what sort of kids you will have at that age

But you have time to decide that.

Edited

We of course have time to decide things and for things to change.

I cant remember if I factored in tax free childcare i'll be honest. I know I haven't included taking our annual leave separate as we already dont have family time on normal weeks so I'm not willing to not use our annual leave at the same time otherwise our kids will never have time with both of us which is depressing.

OP posts:
HoskinsChoice · 21/12/2025 10:39

Karma1387 · 20/12/2025 21:32

I wouldn't ever claim my career suffered to have children and support his. I would state raising my children and supporting his career was a sacrifice I made willingly.

Whilst being a self sufficient woman is always ideal. Do you not think for people who have the option and also want to not have a big career and choose to have children they should prioritise being there for their children compared to being in never ending childcare/school if they can?

Of course when the kids are all teens and able to get to and from school and happy on their own and don't need a parent there when they are sick I could look into doing a full time job.

Show quote history

No. There's been research into this. There's no evidence to suggest children do better with a SAHM. In fact, some do better as they gain more independence, more socialisation and better understanding of being part of a community (as opposed to having sole focus on them). It's a personal choice but that choice benefits you far, far more than it benefits your children.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 21/12/2025 10:40

RessicaJabbit · 21/12/2025 10:21

Again...that small amount in his name.... You won't be entitled to it upon death...nor he yours...

Unless you both have very good wills? And you're hoping they don't get contested by either family?

Show quote history

When I say small amount I mean £50 a month we generally spend 🤣 if his family want his tiny personal account they can feel free.

But I do understand we need to sort the marriage

OP posts:
Bimmering · 21/12/2025 10:44

Karma1387 · 21/12/2025 10:36

We of course have time to decide things and for things to change.

I cant remember if I factored in tax free childcare i'll be honest. I know I haven't included taking our annual leave separate as we already dont have family time on normal weeks so I'm not willing to not use our annual leave at the same time otherwise our kids will never have time with both of us which is depressing.

Show quote history

It doesn't have to be all or nothing on annual leave.

Most families take some separately and some together.

It's also actually quite nice to have some solo time with the kids - e.g for your DP to take them to his family etc

singthing · 21/12/2025 10:45

Karma1387 · 21/12/2025 10:33

It was a very unexpected proposal from my partner last christmas. He has asked a few times through the year about when we will be getting married. Honestly I haven't rushed it as it causes me a lot of stress and anxiety. I want my dad and sister there but I don't want my mum and her husband and I know it is going to cause such an argument I didn't want to deal with. I then got pregnant with DC2 and its been a rough pregnancy so I said we would work it out and deal with it probably later next year.

Show quote history

Kindly, I refer you to option 2. Just get the formalities done that will give you the proper legal protections and rights; and when life is a bit calmer, you can have the exact celebration you want, with the exact people you want in attendance.

It's about being married, not the wedding itself.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 21/12/2025 10:46

HoskinsChoice · 21/12/2025 10:39

No. There's been research into this. There's no evidence to suggest children do better with a SAHM. In fact, some do better as they gain more independence, more socialisation and better understanding of being part of a community (as opposed to having sole focus on them). It's a personal choice but that choice benefits you far, far more than it benefits your children.

Show quote history

I mean they would be going to school and if I was at home they would be able to do clubs etc so getting lots of socialisation and independence. Surely this is better than being at breakfast and after school clubs just so I can earn more?

OP posts:
kittywittyandpretty · 21/12/2025 10:47

HoskinsChoice · 21/12/2025 10:39

No. There's been research into this. There's no evidence to suggest children do better with a SAHM. In fact, some do better as they gain more independence, more socialisation and better understanding of being part of a community (as opposed to having sole focus on them). It's a personal choice but that choice benefits you far, far more than it benefits your children.

Show quote history

Where’s this research? Was it conducted by childcare for profit.com by any chance?

Original poster
Karma1387 · 21/12/2025 10:48

singthing · 21/12/2025 10:45

Kindly, I refer you to option 2. Just get the formalities done that will give you the proper legal protections and rights; and when life is a bit calmer, you can have the exact celebration you want, with the exact people you want in attendance.

It's about being married, not the wedding itself.

Show quote history

Surely the option 2 is exactly what I want which is a registry office with just my dad and sister (which I have avoided due to the arguments with my mum)

I didn't think their was a easier way that the registry office?

OP posts:
VioletSpeedwell · 21/12/2025 10:48

They get plenty of socialisation with a SAHM. I"m not interested in a tiresome WOHM-SAHM debate. We're all doing the best for our kids.

kittywittyandpretty · 21/12/2025 10:50

Karma1387 · 21/12/2025 10:19

I mean no assets of his to be split. The house is mine (not a huge amount of equity) the equity will be used in 2027 when we relocate to buy our joint house plus pay off debt.

Show quote history

Right, I’m with you in which case? I’ve changed her mind completely.
Don’t get married, but do go back to work 🤣
I was you in 2004
Sold the house put the money in into a jointly owned house when we got divorced I found out that he had forged my signature and remortgaged all of the equity and taking that out
My credit rating was absolutely trashed because I couldn’t afford my share of the mortgage on my own, I rented the house out to cover the cost of that and then he took me to court for delaying the sale of the property that neither of us could afford to have whilst it’s sold so we were in a Catch-22
He got a cost order against me and all of the equity that he hadn’t already pissed off. The wall went to the lawyers.
Keep your house in your name for you and your children.
And get your arse back to work as soon as it’s feasible.
If retail management is not for you use this time to retrain for a better paying career.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 21/12/2025 10:51

Bimmering · 21/12/2025 10:44

It doesn't have to be all or nothing on annual leave.

Most families take some separately and some together.

It's also actually quite nice to have some solo time with the kids - e.g for your DP to take them to his family etc

Show quote history

I think I would agree with this if we had any time on a normal week together but my partner works weekends so we wouldn't have any time with the kids together the both of us except for our annual leave so I do feel like its super important we have it all together.

OP posts:
kittywittyandpretty · 21/12/2025 10:52

And just as a side issue with my story, I’ll have to name change now.
Nobody was in the slightest bit interested in the fact that he’d forged my signature, not the police not the bank and definitely not the family court.

Swipe left for the next trending thread