To not go back to full time work

[Karma1387]

Just looking for some advise on if I would be silly/unreasonable to not return to full time work post kids.

For a bit of background I currently have a toddler and due baby number 2 soon. I left my retail management job after finishing maternity leave with DC 1 and I have just worked 2 days a week as a shop assistant for the last year and now currently on maternity leave before DC2 comes in a few months.

My partner earns around 50k although this may decrease slightly in the next 2 years as we are moving areas and he may come off nights.

I have no desire to go back to a management career as I don't want to lose out on the time with my kids or the stress. I looked at what I would earn full time minimum wage in a full time job (as well as pension contributions) which would be a bring home of around 19500 and £75 a month into my pension.

However the cost of wrap around childcare (if we only had 2 children) as well as holiday clubs would cost around £10500 (based on current costs who knows in 2-4 years when kids start school.

Personally as someone who doesn't want to move up the career ladder would I be better off just staying as a basic shop worker 2 days a week and having more time with my kids?

How would you approach things if your partner decided he would like to reduce his days at work to have more time at home with the DC’s or looses his job?

My partner is very focused on his job far more than anything else. But if he decided he wanted to reduce days to be with the kids (although this would require a change of job) then I would pick up another day as the kids would still have a parent being there for them as thats the important part for me.

Of course if he lost his job and couldnt find somethiny of the same pay then we would have to reevaluate things.

Mumsnet is generally against women giving up or cutting down their work hours. I understand why. Its so you are never dependent on a partner who may treat you badly in the future.

However, as the mother of grown children, I can tell you it goes in the blink of an eye. They are young for such a short time. If you can afford to go part time then do. You can always go back full time in the future if your circumstances change. Soak up every minute with those babies.

I wouldn't ever claim my career suffered to have children and support his. I would state raising my children and supporting his career was a sacrifice I made willingly.

Whilst being a self sufficient woman is always ideal. Do you not think for people who have the option and also want to not have a big career and choose to have children they should prioritise being there for their children compared to being in never ending childcare/school if they can?

Of course when the kids are all teens and able to get to and from school and happy on their own and don't need a parent there when they are sick I could look into doing a full time job.

I guess I value time with them more that money.

The way it appears to me in terms of if I wanted to train/move up. It would likely require full time (or near enough full time) in order to get into that kind of job. Training for a new career and also moving up is stress that personally I don't see the appeal of with kids. Perhaps when they are 13ish and far more self sufficent and able/happy to not have me around after school or if sick then i can consider. Obviously with 2 kids thats a minimum of 14 years away.

My daughter is in a south London primary school and full time wrap around (breakfast club and after school club) is £3600. There’s obviously the school holidays to think about too but I share childcare with some other parents and do a bit of holiday club so it’s not too pricey.

Are you sure you’ve got your sums right?

Alternatively if you've fallen out of love with retail could you spend the time they’re at nursery/school retraining for something with better hours/prospects?

The grass is always greener. I always worked full time and I do have regrets about missing out on more time with my children when they were younger.
But… I have kept a good career going and hopefully can reduce hours a bit now, whilst still maintaining a good pension (those early years count for so much more than trying to set one up later). And, most importantly, I was widowed at a young age and I’d have been absolutely fucked if I hadn’t had a good job. It meant I could keep the house, and stability for the children during an awful time. Life doesn’t always work out how you think it will.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record:

Do. Not. Financially. Depend. On. A. Boyfriend. When. The. Roof. Over. Your. Children’s. Heads. Depends. On. It.

The primary school we are looking at when we move is £3500 per child for breakfast and after school club so 7k per year if 2 children and holiday clubs for 9 weeks (assuming we use 4 weeks annual leave for the remaining 4) is £1750 per child so £3500 per year so a total of £10.5k per year total.

I absolutely love retail. Its the only job I have ever done that I enjoy and was good at. The hours just dont work with kids and a partner also in retail management.

I could consider working as a TA in a primary school or somethiny but I would assume i would still need after school clubs as I guess you wouldnt finish bang on school finish time plus travel and with not getting paid for the holidays I can't imagine id be earning much more than I do currently but possibly would have after school clubs to factor in to costs.

Full time is 40 hours a week with a right to a 30 minute unpaid lunch hour.

This can be dealt with prior to me going back to work in 2027 although as previously mentioned currently there isn't much pension to be divided it we then divorced but I understand long term that will change so worth getting married to cover that.

Things must have changed a bit since my last office job. It used to be 40 hours with an hours break. So a full time minimum wage is based on 37.5 hours at 12.21 so £23809. Still wouldn't change the fact I bring home more working 2 nights without having to pay childcare than I would full time and paying childcare.

Of course if I was willing to work my way back up in a different sector I could earn more but I wouldn't want that until kids are at least out of primary.

Life of course throws curve balls and there is no way to guaruntee anything in life. But luckily my partner has a good death in service through work as well as a good life insurance so in that very awful circumstance we would be okay but if we split that would be different and more complicated.

Why have you started mat leave when your baby is not due yet?

Between now and then, your boyfriend can change his will, pension beneficiary, and death-in-service beneficiary without telling you.

If you depend on him for rent/mortgage, you’re at his mercy.

Employers can be more generous. Many will do 8 hour days including a whole hour of paid lunch break, but they don’t have to. In law they don’t have to pay for breaks and they only have to offer 30 minutes after 4 hours work. Obviously many jobs don’t work like that at all. You are paid for the job, whether you have time for a lunch break or not.

Because I have struggled through most of the pregnancy and was in a lot of pain making it very hard to do the job (plus working nights was hard before getting pregnant but even worse when pregnant) and I am a high risk pregnancy with a lot of appointments so I decided to put my health first and go off as soon as I could.

I am at his mercy with rent/mortgage even if we are married.

As for death in service, life insurance etc he could change this even if we were married. The only benefit at the moment to beiny married is the pension which would get me around 10k into my pension currently so I didn't really think waitint 6 months to a year really made a difference?

I went part time when I had my dc. Never went back full time and dc are now adults. It works for us. DH likes the fact that I am not dead stressed with work and I enjoy cooking and gardening etc which means he doesn’t have to do it. I agree with others that you are vulnerable being unmarried but there is nothing wrong with working part time if you can afford it and if your partner supports the decision. Many posters would be horrified at my lack of ambition in climbing the career ladder but I am very content with my job and what I have achieved. We don’t care much for material things. We can afford to live in what I consider to be a nice home and have a holiday every year. We have no debt and enjoy our situation very much.
If I could go back in time I’d do exactly the same again. I adored spending as much time as possible with my children.

Can you really afford for you to work so few hours? Especially as you sound like you have some debt and want to move house?

We can afford it. We wont have loads of money to save/invest but that wouldnt be any different if I worked a full time minimum wage job. Only if I went back to a well earning career.

We should be able to afford a bit of saving as well as a holiday. Obviously if my partner continues to build up his career we would have more.

See . .. politely your understanding of the long term being solely related to pensions is what we older Mumsneters are worried about. You are unmarried work part time, your labour is in childcare and the domestic which as an unmarried partner has no protection in law. You might value it but legally society doesn't unless you are married.
What happens if/when your kids are in their late teens you split? You've spent 14 odd years working at a basic level (less than your current role) and part time. He walks off with the earning potential of someone whose focused full time on his career for 14 years. You've no claim on assets AND you've given up your safety net because you've.assumed he'll support you whatever.. without the legal protection of marriage it's just your choice no joint decision will be recognised. A court won't care that "you both felt that the best thing was...." You are choosing to make yourself vulnerable. Which is fine, but if you end up being 40+ with only 2 days a week experience in a customer facing role that a 20 something could do then trust me you're doing to struggle to shift that.....

Oh no I totally understand we need to sort out getting married its more I can't see an issue with waiting 6-12 months as currently there is no real benefit but I completely understand that for long term protection in case things went wrong we need to look to get married in the next year or so.

You seem to have made your mind up. Just seems a shame to me to not try to find something where you can progress and build a career. Particularly as it doesn’t sound like you’re particularly financially stable with debts to clear etc.

In my experience, the optimum scenario is to get as senior as you possibly can before having children because that gives you more options in terms of flexible working after you have children.

there’s almost nobody I know in any job who has children and is working full-time hours with no flexibility at all. For example, I know a nurse who has an agreement that she doesn’t work Wednesdays so she knows she’ll never need childcare on that day, I know loads of people who do early finish on a Friday so they can pick up from school at 3, I know lots who work from home on certain days which means they don’t need breakfast club because they can drop straight to school and be back at their desks around 9, I know shift workers who do a certain early or late pattern so they pick up or drop off.

I think it really depends on your industry. In my previous managerial role I was required to work between 6.30am-10pm between 5-7 days a week sometimes full 6.30-10 days. Flexible working requests were denied due to 'business needs of the role' so unfortunately that sort of job isn't something I could go back to after kids.

But I understand you can get nhs or office jobs where you can request fixed hours or 4 day working weeks but all of that would involve starting from the bottom and me still missing out on so much time with the kids and would also still have the before/afterschool and holiday childcare costs.

I think a lot of it boils down to what I decide means more to me. Time with the kids or money.