My parents are obsessed with illness

[Porrrly]

Has anyone else’s parents become obsessed with illness and disease?

In the years since turning 60, both of my parents have become obsessed with illness, disease and health. They are continuously paranoid about catching anything, to the extent they will avoid meeting up with family members for a 2 week minimum isolation period to ensure all ‘contagious’ disease is gone. This is incredibly difficult as myself and my brother have little children at school and nursery, so they almost always have some sort of cold.

Additionally, they are constantly googling symptoms and will become sure they are having a stroke / heart attack / cancer and are constantly either at the GP or are at A&E. Even when they are told they don’t have such and such an illness, they will then demand to see NHS consultants or will pay thousands privately to see doctors and specialists.

They cancel plans and meet ups at the last minute, sometimes they just don’t turn up and they don’t even bother telling me at all, until I phone them or speak to my brother and find out they are in A&E again because my dad thinks he’s having a heart attack.

They also wear masks everywhere and are obsessive about hand sanitising.

They’ve now said they aren’t sure about coming for Christmas as my youngest daughter, who is 3, has a cold and they are convinced it might be the new strain of super flu. I’ve already paid for everything and told DH’s family they can’t come as it’s my parents turn this year, so it’s especially maddening.

Is this just a normal part of aging and everyone’s parents get to this stage or is something else going on?

I'm probably your granny's age but I'm not obsessed with health, even though I've had a serious illness this year, now hopefully dealt with and mostly forgotten. And most of my friends aren't constantly talking about their health, shielding or wearing masks, apart from those about to have an op and following hospital advice. I think it's just one of those things with your parents that has spiralled out of control and I'm not sure what you can do about it. I doubt they'll listen to reason. Maybe this obsession with their health is filling a void in their lives, they need a HEALTHY hobby!

I voted YANBU becasue it's common in older folk to develop this obssession purely because they don't really have anything else to bother about - harsh but true! My dear Mum used to work with the elderly and it was usually the first thing they'd talk about as soon as you'd said 'Good Morning how are you today?'
It's a case of diverting their attention to other things if possible I'm afraid!

That’s all very well but their behaviour impacts on other people. It also wastes GP appointments and clogs up A&E.

I will be 72 at the beginning of January. I work as a supply teacher and in the run up to Christmas I worked three weeks on the trot. It keeps me young, I also believe it keeps me healthy and active. The last thing I want to do is burden the health service and also sit at home contemplating my mortality. It sounds as if some home truths are needed to get your parents in a better frame of mind. It sounds as if they are very depressed and perhaps a visit with them to their GP or some sort of group would help.

I'm annoyed they think it's acceptable to waste hospital time with the NHS on its knees. Suppose it gives them something to do sitting in the waiting room.

I don't think it's normal at all. I'm 68 and well aware of my mortality but I think to behave like OP's parents is very over the top.

I agree with this: there are thousands of people in a near permanent state of isolation who live in terror of picking up viruses.

Some of this is legitimate: people who are immunocompromised or have had Long COVID etc but a substantial portion of these people are just neurotic and are using “health” as a figleaf to allow them to shut other people out. There’s a big crossover here with the militant introverts and the “hate people” crowd: people who have lost their ability to function socially and use fear of illness as a smokescreen.

@Bulbsbulbsbulbs What a ridiculous post! I'm 69. I know nobody like this (thank God), contemporaries or others. My parents, grandparents and great grandparents, their friends - none of them behaved like this. The same is true for my husband's side of the family and my children's in-laws and all the people who live around me and have grandparents visiting on a daily basis. It is far from normal and ridiculous to claim that it is.

I worked with a man whose wife (about 40) had been like this for 10 years. I pointed out she had lived for 10 years despite calling him daily when we were in the office together to tell him she was dying. She was diagnosed with health anxiety formerly known as hypochondria.

He was so incredibly drained by her behaviour and it was hard to watch. If they want to continue down that rabbit hole and won’t take any help I can’t see what you can do.

Going to a+e for anomalies on inaccurate devices needs to stop. The devices are fueling their anxiety over health issues. If they go to a+e to often with nothing wrong with them they are likely to get spoken to about wasting time.

Those bloody devices are inaccurate. Why they're pegged to an app is lunacy

Yes. My parents are early 70’s. They are like this. My mum makes a massive issue of minor things. I found it very difficult to be sympathetic when she went to the walk in centre for a cough. (I’m a paediatric nurse, kids are far more resilient. So whingeing adults really test my patience)

My mum also spends a fortune having routine screening done privately. She thinks Ite better quality. Her private mammogram was done at the local NHS hospital, so that was money down the drain. 🤣

I don’t know, people thought my mum was going bonkers regarding how she felt and she said she felt poorly all the time, pain across her chest etc, went to a&e so many times for 10 months or the doctors to be told there isn’t anything wrong with her, she was convinced it was her heart, went and had this dye put in her system to see if they could detect anything with the pain she stated she was having and they realised her arteries was narrowing and then 3 weeks later she had 4 heart attacks in a row and ended up severely brain damaged where we had to turn the machine off, colds she wasn’t bothered by but she was adamant there was something wrong and I suppose she knew her own body, she would be googling symptoms as well, xx

@Porrrly

Even when becoming more aware of their mortality, this is extreme, not ‘normal’ and certainly not healthy.

Sounds like a mix of Health Anxiety (truly believe they DO have an illness that is not being found) and maybe death phobia? Generalised anxiety (what if…?)

They are also being each others enabler and echo chamber - not helpful!

They need therapy for their anxieties.

They do sound more like 75-80 rather than 60 ….

Nor me. But must be bloody boring for them if they are fixating on health. I’m still enjoying life. 🤷‍♀️

Fully agree.
Also, internet ads don't help.
I'm in my sixties and constantly targeted for health related ads that I have zero interest in. Also get a lot of ads about face-lifts and I won't be having any.
Google and other sites sell all the information they have on us to make more money but their search engine is great so it's the price we pay.

This is not normal. I'm 70 with friends around same age and I don't know anyone who is like this. You do have a few more things go wrong as you age, get aches and pains etc but nothing like your description of your parents. They are obviously both hypochondriacs and 'feed' off each other. It must be very worrying for you as well as being totally frustrating.

I'm 74 with stage 4 cancer and I'm not like you describe . I am concerned about flu only because I'm having chemo and my immune system is low. I still work 2 days a week and see my Gcs as normal but I do sanitise my hands quite a bit . Your parents sound depressed and are probably compounding the health anxiety for each other . .

I’m so sorry - wishing you a good Christmas .

How dreadful. I think parents like the OP's parents do people like your mum s great disservice, as it wouldn't be surprising if doctors took older people keeping coming for things they can't identify. Your mum was different, it was one particular thing that she was having issues with.
It will also do the people like OPs a disservice as if they keep doing it about everything they will eventually have something that does need treatment, but all those years of crying wolf might mean that they aren't taken as seriously.
I'm 70, and what I have found is that with all the extra tests you get as you age, more things are picked up on , and you are faced with changes of lifestyle so you don't get worse. I would avoid meeting people I know have a bad cold , flu or COVID , but that is not an age thing. Not fun at any age
Now the in-laws were funny about their health. They were happy to deal with issues by taking yet another tablet, when they want s to do something they were fine to do that but if they didn't really want to do something, or they wanted people to do things for them they would call in their heart issues, mil has angina which didn't seem to be a problem most or the time but good for not doing what they didn't want to do. But impervious to the health needs if others.
I keep my children up to date with anything about my health my health which might affect them

Yes, I think anybody retiring, early or not, needs to make a plan before they leave work, and sometimes this can mean being out of your comfort zone for a while when you meet people but it does give a fuller and more enjoyable life. I make sure I have activities and holidays planned as otherwise it would be very easy to get into the habit of sitting on the sofa all day.

I’m sorry to hear that @Aplcdone
They do say heart problems are more likely to go undiagnosed in women.

@ABeerInTheSunshineMakesMeHappy yep - I think you need alternative things to do with time, even if it’s reading 2 novels a week or joining a gym - u3a can be really good too if you live in the right area and like academic stuff - I don’t think it has to be non stop being ‘out and about’ but I think many people realise they actually have no interests beyond work or more often in many women’s case beyond work, home and kids. ( because to be fair that can take up a lot of time)