My parents are obsessed with illness

[Porrrly]

Has anyone else’s parents become obsessed with illness and disease?

In the years since turning 60, both of my parents have become obsessed with illness, disease and health. They are continuously paranoid about catching anything, to the extent they will avoid meeting up with family members for a 2 week minimum isolation period to ensure all ‘contagious’ disease is gone. This is incredibly difficult as myself and my brother have little children at school and nursery, so they almost always have some sort of cold.

Additionally, they are constantly googling symptoms and will become sure they are having a stroke / heart attack / cancer and are constantly either at the GP or are at A&E. Even when they are told they don’t have such and such an illness, they will then demand to see NHS consultants or will pay thousands privately to see doctors and specialists.

They cancel plans and meet ups at the last minute, sometimes they just don’t turn up and they don’t even bother telling me at all, until I phone them or speak to my brother and find out they are in A&E again because my dad thinks he’s having a heart attack.

They also wear masks everywhere and are obsessive about hand sanitising.

They’ve now said they aren’t sure about coming for Christmas as my youngest daughter, who is 3, has a cold and they are convinced it might be the new strain of super flu. I’ve already paid for everything and told DH’s family they can’t come as it’s my parents turn this year, so it’s especially maddening.

Is this just a normal part of aging and everyone’s parents get to this stage or is something else going on?

To be fair comparing the UK to abroad I find this more understandable. In many other countries, yearly medicals including ECG, full bloods etc are a thing and you have a long term relationship with one doctor often over many years.
You can therefore have some confidence that anything not right will be picked up and that if ‘your’ doctor says you’re fine and healthy, that you are !

In many areas of the U.K. there is no continuity of care and thorough medicals and scans are the province of the paid for private sector only. Your chance of dying from most things is far higher in the UK. often because you’re diagnosed much later than elsewhere.

When you get to a certain age and hear constantly of your peers, neighbours etc being left for hours in hospital corridors, or neglected and in pain on wards, it’s not surprising that you can become a bit obsessive about staying well and out of hospital.

I'm 61, not at all normal for me.

Not normal OP.

But sadly not uncommon. My ILs are like this, though not as extreme as your DPs. Constant talk of symptoms, illnesses, appointments. There’s always something, especially with MIL. Worse still, when she actually is ill, she’s the worst patient ever and inflicts misery on everyone around her. Thankfully they’re not at the stage of turning up to A&E or similar on spurious grounds.

I think early retirement had a lot to do with it. A combination of not having to go out as much, mix with people, public transport, all that kind of thing, and more time/mental energy directed inwards. Plus the dynamic of being together all the time and thus feeding off each other. Covid definitely didn’t help, they were highly anxious throughout.

The contrast with my parents is strong. My DPs both still work and I think this helps to keep them mentally ‘younger’. They don’t have much choice about going out, mixing etc. And not as much mental energy to devote to overanalysing every little twinge or feeling.

Some of it is personality too. My parents are naturally more upbeat and optimistic. ILs are massive pessimists and I think that can feed any (health) anxieties.

The ironic thing is that it’s my DPs who actually have the more serious health issues! An autoimmune condition, arthritis (with two joints replaced already), blood pressure meds, and more, between the two of them.

I’d be very annoyed about the way that this is creeping into your life, like wanting to cancel Christmas. I don’t really know what to suggest, apart from trying to convey what this is doing to your family and suggesting ways they can get help.

They've gone beyond being just "the worried well" into some kind of 'folie à deux' delusional psychosis, by the sound of it.

I was thinking of things like my granddad, in his nineties, swinging a giant lump hammer in an attempt to demolish a wall, rather than waiting for the builder we'd already booked. Going up a ladder trying to fix a slipped tile on the garage after a storm (didn't even have a car by then). Trying to pull out the fridge to retrieve the biro he'd knocked down the back - when he knew I'd be visiting soon and could have helped (and he had plenty of other pens). That's before we even get started on the long struggle to get him to stop driving, after his vision and reaction times were going. He was a worry. It was a general statement about how some older people refuse to face reality as they become less physically capable - not all. OP asked if they all develop health paranoia and I was just saying no - some go too far the other way.

I think masks in crowds, hand-sanitizing and general caution in winter are quite sensible, but the other stuff sounds OTT. Something has frightened them and health anxiety has taken over.

Maybe wait until spring when the weather is better and start encouraging them to go out and enjoy life more.

What you said was that the OP (and presumably others) 'would be like that one day'..

People are arguing against that - that at 60 we become obsessed with health anxiety and do nothing with our lives like the OP's parents.

We don't.

None of us think we are immortal.

Many of us just prefer to treat our diminishing years as ever more valuable and keep fit, keep active, keep social and do as much as we can to enjoy our remaining time,

Rather than sitting around in a state of doom choosing gravestones and sitting in the waiting room at A&E for every normal ache and pain.

He’s been on the route to death since he was born. No point wasting time worrying about it. Have the parties. Travel if you can afford it. Get out and enjoy life. At 60 he’s likely got about 20 good years left - more if he’s lucky. Many people don’t get as many as that in the first place.

It is for some people!!

It is for some people!!

DH and I are 64 and 61 and we're not like that at all, we're both fit and healthy, still working full time. He's currently running on the treadmill in the shed and will be doing a long bike ride tomorrow. I'm lazier, but I look after myself.

My DF, who's 91, isn't either. I suspect he thinks he's immortal. DM, who's nearly 90, is obsessed with her own health but she always has been. It doesn't stop her getting on with life. I think ageing is as much about health and state of mind as anything else.

I’m 61 and have been fully retired for over a year, partially for about 4. I go out and about every day unless I deliberately choose to have a lazy one (like today - had an insane week and just wanted to potter and read). I perform in music groups, volunteer at a dogs home, go to the gym and have several friendship groups I meet up with regularly. It’s not so much retirement as mind set.

Try reading 'Heal your Nervous System by Dr Linnea Passaler.

I understand this cycle well.

No, it isn’t. Some people may have health conditions which limit them. That’s not about being 60. Nobody needs to be ‘old’ at 60 if they are basically healthy

No it isn't!

My parents are 78 and 80 and are definitely obsessed. It is pretty much the only topic of their conversation - if it is not about themselves it’s about next door neighbours cousins son girlfriends health issue (you get the picture)
Mother regularly cuts out articles from the daily-fail and trots along to her endless Drs appointments with said article.
Along with this is an obsessive attempt to find out (from local FB page, the golf club, WI, local newspaper) why there was an ambulance at said time in said place.
I love them to bits but dear god it’s wearing. They really have nothing to complain about health wise and are both actually in pretty good shape !!!
I fear it’s like the boy who cried wolf and just occasionally I would like to give their head a wobble.
I feel your frustration !!!

I completely agree. I think I was trying to say that in my ILs’ case, retirement really didn’t help. They do still go out but ironically I think they’re people who probably need(ed) the routine of work! Retirement saw them retreat into a much narrower mindset. It’s great that you’re enjoying retirement!

DH and I are mid 60s and are not like that but we are relatively healthy and active. We don’t avoid our family but we don’t get too close or kiss each other if any of us get colds/coughs. Although DH has had open heart surgery due to a heart ailment he is now back to normal and wasn’t really obsessing about it before the op.

We have friends like your parents. I don’t think Covid helped with those who worry about ailments etc. if they are vulnerable I get why they may be cautious though. You cannot really stop them getting anxious but I know it must be annoying if they are constantly changing or cancelling plans. Not much you can do about it but enjoy your Christmas with just your immediate family and meet up at a later date.

Yes I would agree with that. I am out every day either coastal hiking, classes or gym/pool at our local country club, out with friends or family or travelling/cycling. DH does less but he belongs to a couple of local clubs and sometimes comes out on my outings and enjoys travel still. We are mid 60s retired at 58.

I have friends who are just stuck at home every day doing very little and little health issues are now starting to creep in. We definitely feel we want to make the best of our still active lives. Friends who do little just seem to be waiting to die. Depressing.

I do feel for those whose health has failed though - this is why I say I am lucky. I know people younger than me who can't walk far (or at all) because of health problems and I think of them when I'm gasping the last of my five miles. So a certain amount of how active one is able to be is down to luck.

But for those who are healthy but talk up symptoms and fret and worry, yes. They need to get out more.

I’m with you! DH is 80, I’m not far behind, and we often say how lucky we feel to be this age, even with some health problems. Only one of our parents lived past 70. DH has some long term health issues, but he has interests that keep his mind active. I go to exercise classes, I’m a volunteer. I had joint replacement surgery quite recently, but I went back to my exercise class yesterday, and drove for the first time again. All positive!

My Mum is 84 and has been like this for years - not a week goes by without doctors appointments or seeing a physio/nurse etc. Then there's picking up her prescriptions (another weekly occurrence).

The majority of her conversations (and medical appointments) seem to be about aches, pains , niggles and twinges which I try and remind her is only to be expected at the age of 84. Even when she's seen a GP she seems to think that they're fobbing her off.

It gets quite draining when I go to see her TBH and I end up leaving feeling quite fed-up. When I'm there it's only a matter of time before the health issues creep in to the conversation and the "ache of the week" gets brought up ....niggly shoulder, achy hip when she lies on that side ...

Those bloody watches should be banned.

How strange that you've only come to think of that in your late 50s. Anyone in their late 20s and early 30s should be very conscious of the fact that death and illness can happen to anyone. Anyone who made it to their late 50s without being conscious of their own mortality has probably been living in a fantasy world.

I have a relative like this...the table is full of tablets and conversation is always about illness or doctor appointments, which seem constant...from what i can gather, a lot of the pills are for side effects of other pills she is on....she seems quite envious and bitter that i dont take one tablet and rarely see the gp !!