My parents are obsessed with illness

[Porrrly]

Has anyone else’s parents become obsessed with illness and disease?

In the years since turning 60, both of my parents have become obsessed with illness, disease and health. They are continuously paranoid about catching anything, to the extent they will avoid meeting up with family members for a 2 week minimum isolation period to ensure all ‘contagious’ disease is gone. This is incredibly difficult as myself and my brother have little children at school and nursery, so they almost always have some sort of cold.

Additionally, they are constantly googling symptoms and will become sure they are having a stroke / heart attack / cancer and are constantly either at the GP or are at A&E. Even when they are told they don’t have such and such an illness, they will then demand to see NHS consultants or will pay thousands privately to see doctors and specialists.

They cancel plans and meet ups at the last minute, sometimes they just don’t turn up and they don’t even bother telling me at all, until I phone them or speak to my brother and find out they are in A&E again because my dad thinks he’s having a heart attack.

They also wear masks everywhere and are obsessive about hand sanitising.

They’ve now said they aren’t sure about coming for Christmas as my youngest daughter, who is 3, has a cold and they are convinced it might be the new strain of super flu. I’ve already paid for everything and told DH’s family they can’t come as it’s my parents turn this year, so it’s especially maddening.

Is this just a normal part of aging and everyone’s parents get to this stage or is something else going on?

All entirely possible when retired. Source: me.

No it's not normal. I have several relatives in their 70s and 80s and none of them are like this.

Oh, that's a mistake! Mr G & I are pretty ancient by MN standards (mid-80s and mid-70s respectively) but we manage with a digital ear thermometer, used only if one of us is a bit feverish, and a home BP machine, used only if the GP asks us to check it. The latter rarely works on my skinny arms, so I appear to be either dead or about to explode. Either way, I don't let it bother me.

Still, it's nice that they have a hobby although their GP must be tearing his/her hair out.

They have nothing to do apart from look at eachother and read foolishness. This is not a part of aging it sounds like depression or they are going psychotic. I know plenty of people over 60 and are not weird and keep themselves busy. Rich people still work in their 60's 70's and 80's if they can. When people stop and treat retirement as a way to sit down all day that's when they decline in mental health and physically they will become weaker and will be more susceptible to getting diseases. What they are scared of is what will happen if they continue to live in their bubble and do nothing.

Slightly different but my Mum has always been like this, it's very draining and irritating. I feel your pain.

Any chance/opportunity to talk about her various illnesses (which she thinks she has) she's in there...

I just completely ignore her and show no interest when she starts, I must seem very uncaring to her friends etc. If she phones up 'ill' she doesn't get any sympathy.

I would say this is not normal getting older behaviour but since covid who knows? (much older than this here. Someone else needs to talk to them about it , not you or your brother. A dose of 'tough love may be required too. Good luck.

I'm in my late 60s and have recently been dealing with my elderly (late 90s) and very frail mother who has had a number of falls and is getting to the point where she can't look after herself. And yes I am finding it frightening. It's like I'm looking into my own future, and it's not nice!

So I have a lot of sympathy for your MIL. Writing her will, sorting out her estate, and financial planning for the next 20-30 years are sensible things to be doing at her age. She may need gentle encouragement to stop "fretting" once she has done these things.

Your parents on the other hand. No what you are describing is definitely not normal. It's a mental health issue that needs addressing. Try and encourage them to see their gp and get help for their health anxiety.

Sounds like they have severe health anxiety! 😟 I went through a bad patch a few years ago where I became totally obsessed in a very similar way (I’m 32 now) it was a horrific way to live. I was triggered again when I had my youngest daughter and OH’s sister brought her family around to meet my newborn, as they were about to leave they announced they’d been being sick the day before (she got her 4yo to kiss my baby on the head) 😳 I will also make excuses not to see people who’ve recently been unwell too but only because not many seem to abide by the 48hr free rule.

This is part of standard conversation with people over a certain age. I would imagine the constant googling is also common.

ExDH helped run a social group with his dad that was mainly attended by men 70+ he said that the main topics of conversation were death and caravans. It was who had died or who had bought a new caravan.

If someone died in their new caravan it was considered conversation jackpot!

My mum isn’t like this and she’s 81. My ex in laws are exactly like this despite being 10 years younger. My mum still leads a full active life, my ex in laws hardly ever leave the house. My ex mil is convinced she has fibromyalgia and a bunch of other diseases and ailments. They don’t have much going on in their lives, don’t see anyone except my exh and our dc every other weekend.

God it sounds debilitating - they’re in their 60s not waiting for a heart transplant or severely immunocompromised. Sounds like they need some therapy, must be exhausting for them but also exhausting for you. It’s no way to live. I used to (and still do a bit) have health anxiety but I was in my early 20s, I’d hope I’d become more relaxed as I get older 😂
My dads 72 and he’s never been health anxious around me or my children, he just gets on with life and it’s a good job he does as he’s just been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer so it would’ve been really shit if he’d spent the last 20 years worrying about getting cancer rather than enjoying his life.

I really think Covid and the the fear and lockdowns has resulted in a huge surge in health anxiety. You only need to read some of the threads on this years flu. People being told to still isolate and stay away from celebrations. The internet really does not help. I also think people have got used to staying at home and not socialising. This years flu and other viruses have become the perfect excuse to stay at home, why else would people test ?

Could you encourage them to take back some control and do something to change their health ? Like changing their diet, walking, taking an exercise class for flexibility and balance. Get out and meet people, get a hobby, try something different. Volunteer to help other people.

I think this too - a lot of time on their hands and your world becomes very small unless you make an effort to make it not so .

I'm nearly 80 and don't think like that.

I retired at 61 after 40 years nursing. It’s given me pre school time with my 4 grandkids. They’re all at school now but get them after school. Busier than ever and we have made great memories. I don’t dwell on getting ill and am thankful for good health so staying positive is the best option.

This sounds like they've grown into a health obsession. I'm coming up 69. My husband is 70. We don't ignore our health but we are not over anxious either. Do your parents have outside interests. We are in a choir and a drama group. We go to Aquafit and Senior Zumba. Maybe if they focus on interests outwith the home it would help them.

Hmm maybe not but they are certainly normal amongst their group of friends. Their 90 year old friend did a wing walk this summer!
I think k they all keep each other young. They’re so busy, always out with friends. They attend art groups, social groups, charity events. They go away multiple times a year, as do their friends.

Not normal my parents are the same age and don’t do this. I have small children and they don’t make us avoid them when the kids are poorly (unless noro virus)

It seems very extreme - however will avoid people with an active viral illness if I have a choice because a cold turns into a more complicated illness like bronchitis.

Well, the expression 'enjoys ill health' has a double meaning!
It's a way to say someone 'lives in a state of poor health' but I'll leave you to imagine the way we unkindly used it to describe my M.I.L as being her only topic of conversation. But then, she was housebound, riddled with arthritis and the afterpain of shingles and not much else to think about. Remember old age is not for the weak. We jokingly described our social life as being centred on coffee breaks in various hospital cafes; meeting up with friends in the queues in the chemist and trying to get GP appointments. So yup, your parents are probably scared witless of the thought of declining health as they age. It's not just life style that dictates health outcomes, genetics play a big part too. Humour them!

Sympathise with you as it is tiring to hear but I do feel you have to just say to them that you can’t keep hearing this and that they need to sieze the day! Easier said than done but they can then choose.

My late father - went on to 89 - after a lot of minor health issues all well managed - used to literally haunt the local crematorium- and be aware of the ‘service list’ for the week - getting quite excited at the prospect of being able to go to a funeral - if he knew and recognised the name !!! And - he wasn’t alone as would regularly meet a few old faces there and they would all go off together for a separate pub meet up!! Proper ghouls!

RIP Dad !

No it's not normal, it sounds as if they turned 60 around about the time of Covid and have become fixated. Tell them fine don't come , but emphasize they won't be coming next year either as it is DH's relatives turn-enjoy a mask and paranoid free Christmas.

This sounds very sad and difficult, isolating for them and stressful and worrying for you. On the other hand, my parents are totally gung ho about their health - ignoring symptoms, offering to look after sick grandkids all the time, doing too much, etc.

I think we reach a stage where we start to feel responsible for our parents on a way they used to feel for us. Have you spoken to them?

It really isn't normal. You can't seriously believe all 60 year olds are constantly at the GPs and spending thousands on private health investigations?

My PIL are in their 80s and are not like this.